McDougal Fast Facts

McDougal's favorite day of the week is Wednesday, because on Wednesdays McDougal does not cast a shadow.

McDougal's favorite color is Myopia.

McDougals Chinese zodiac sign is "The Narwhal."

McDougal's New Year's resolution was to not make any New Year's resolutions. The act of making this resolution caused the resolution to instantaneously break itself, creating a small tear in the space-time continuum. This explains the popularity of the song "London Bridge."

McDougal's first word was "squirrel."

McDougal once started a cold fusion reaction in his bathtub, just to prove it could be done. He used it to power the entire Eastern seaboard for two weeks before he shut it down, causing the Great Blackout of 2003. He refuses to explain how he did it because, he says, "you really just had to be there."

McDougal Fast Facts

• Invented margarine & frozen yogurt.
• Once slept for 113 hours straight.
• Has three kidneys (bought one from a Peruvian hustler in 1973 and had it installed by an Amerasian Chiropidist as a back-up. Has only had to use it eleven times, but it paid for itself after a single use.)
• Lived next to Carl Perkins for three years. The two never spoke, but McDougal once saw him naked.
• Ghost wrote "Big Fish" and most of Saul Bellow's early stuff.
• Uses a portable difribulator as an alarm clock and has not overslept in almost two years.
• Thinks it's funny when people call decaf coffee "unleaded."
• Doesn't understand why no one's laughing when he makes them drink gasoline.
• Can hold his breath for over nine minutes.
• Lost three of his fingers in an ill-advised bar bet.
• Still has thirteen (not including the ten attached to his hands)
• Half Cherokee, half ninja
• Puts the "man" in manual.
• Puts his pots in the oven for storage
• Eagerly anticipating Roger Ebert's death
• Prefers Barnaby Jones to CSI
• Eats raw onions like apples
• Smells like oak leaves, cinammon and lavender
• Prefers cats to dogs
• Especially with real butter
• Prefers Muriel Hemingway to Ernest Borgnine
• Despite his earnest proclamations to the contrary, the man can't yodel to save his life
• Knows Big Foot personally
• Knows Farsi
• Knows Fonzi
• Has never met Potsie
• Has never seen Tootsie
• Born deep in the Rwenzori Mountains more than 11,000 years ago
• Raised by Buddy Ebsen and Lakshmi.
• Has the world record high score in Triple Word Yahtzee
• Speaks Dalmatian
• Invented the cure for Tick-borne meningoencephalitis
• Founded the Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda in 1999
• Favorite food: Bangers & Mash

McDougal Fast Facts

McDougal carries with him at all times a duffel bag containing his passport, a grappling hook, a fire extinguisher, a boomerang, the Bayonne New Jersey telephone directory and the June 1994 issue of Penthouse Letters.

McDougal was once arrested in Los Angeles on suspicion of selling anti-aircraft cannons to both the Bloods and the Crips. All charges were later dropped under mysterious circumstances.

McDougal belongs to an exclusive club that races surplus Soviet-era submarines in the North Atlantic. McDougal's submarine is number seven and is sponsored by Tide.

McDougal was kicked out of the 1984 World Series when he emerged from the men's room at the bottom of the fifth inning wearing only a "Foam Dome" (fig. 1) on his head and one of those giant foam fingers covering his genitals.

McDougal visited the set of The Hanged Man last week. The only time more drugs were consumed on a movie set was during the filming of The Blues Brothers (1980).

McDougal Fast Facts

• The original screenplay for "The Poseidon Adventure" was called "The Upside Down Boat Movie," and featured a maniacal Ahab-like captain, who ate half his crew before the wreck and impregnated Det. Lt. Mike Rogo (the character ultimately played by Ernest Borgnine). This character, Admiral McDougal, was later removed by timid Hollywood censors, who believed the character too closely resembled Richard Nixon.


• McDougal's jaw bone is coveted by a remote tribe of Guyanese pygmies, who believe it contains the secrets of the universe, as etched thereupon by Mayor McCheese in 1641.


• McDougal coined the phrases "rogues gallery," "fool's errand," and "devil's haircut."


• McDougal has memorized the entire musical "The Merchant of Venice" backwards -- not just the words, every letter. He frequently recites the entire production whilst coming down from 16-day meth jags. He's killed men for leaving before reciting the last ... err ... first number.


• McDougal has saved the lives of three American Presidents, and killed seven (only two while still in office).


• McDougal went to Hell last Easter, where he spent the day throwing horseshoes and dice with Buddy Ebsen. When he later asked Buddy what he was doing in hell, Mr. Ebsen admitted he had no idea where he was, or that he'd even passed away. He was admittedly quite distraught when he learned of his passing. His mood took an abrupt about-face, however, when McDougal later introduced him to the Lord Christ.

McDougal Fast Facts

• McDougal's had the bird flu 311 times. The last time he caught it was in 1683. When he recovered, he slaughtered the entire dodo species. He hasn't had as much as a cold since.
• McDougal has flat feet with 1" discs on the bottom. They allow him, when barefoot, to climb walls like a spider. Sadly, due to an embarrassing nail fungus, McDougal has not taken his socks of since 1986.
• McDougal can will hair to grow on anything. He killed Sirhan Sirhan by causing him to grow hair on his heart, lungs, trachea, and eyeballs.
• McDougal's first home was made of egg whites. It provided excellent shelter and was a source of protein for an entire village in the Ozarks.
• McDougal taught Jesus and Abraham Lincoln how to walk on water. Lincoln was not the kind of man to show off.
• McDougal is a robot who runs on 132 AAA batteries, which have to be replaced every four hours.
• McDougal lives in a 6,000 square foot ice castle in Ecuador.
• McDougal has a collection of unicorns that graze freely on his secret compound in Nigeria. Wait, not unicorns ... eunuchs.
• McDougal once ate a log cabin on a dare. When his army buddies weren't impressed, he shat out an arc and forced it to rain for 40 days and 40 nights and flooding the Earth. He then sailed his arc to the moon and started a new race of genetically modified superheroes.
• McDougal has won 13 spelling bees.
• There is no Hebrew word for McDougal.
  

McDougal Fast Facts

• No wife; no children; three wet nurses on permanent staff.


• Has fully functional gills under his arms.


• Stormed the beach at Normandy, killing 84 Germans with an M-1 rifle ... in 1975.


• In Monopoly, always picks the flat iron.


• Once married Martha Plimpton on a dare. Divorced her on a double dare. Ruined her career on a whim.

McDougal Fast Facts

• McDougal owns a $300 stapler made out of gold plated chicken bones.


• He keeps a 6-foot live viper in his right boot and Tina Yothers in his left.


• Likes Yoda. Hates Luke.


• He has eleven fingers. (One isn't his. It belonged to a native American named Charlie White. McDougal won it in a bar bet, and keeps it in his left back pocket for luck.)


• Once beat Yule Brenner unconscious with a sock full of boiled okra.


• Saved Lorne Greene's life in a West Texas juke joint in 1967.

McDougal Fast Facts

Did you know?

• McDougal conditions his pubic hair with bot bacon grease.
• He sleeps standing up, like a horse.
• Holds nine world records, including longest pinky toe in the history of man.
• Types about 18 words per minute.
• Once choked Jack Kemp to death.
• One of McDougal's legs is twice as long as the other.
• Drilled Justine Bateman in her bait well.
• Drilled Jason Bateman in his bait well.
• Enjoys the salsa, but prefers the rumba.
• Invented "Cool Ranch" flavor.
• Sees the world through flesh-colored lenses.
• Thought the French-Indian war was a war between the French and the Indians.
• Holds a master's degree in Ninjonics from Ninja State University in Taipei.
• Can peer into a man's soul using microwave oven, compact mirror, and six feet of nylon.