Sunday, February 12, 2006

A week has gone by, and still no sign of McDougal. Apparently he never attempted to make it to Detroit. The agents from the Department of Homeland Security who were stationed at the Michigan border would have found him if he did. The big man's average body temperature runs at 102.4 degrees Fahrenheit. He would have glowed like a blast furnace on their thermal imagers.

I've enlisted the McDougal for President campaign interns to help me figure out McDougal's whereabouts. I had them start by searching the newspapers for any articles about an increase in Sasquatch sightings in the Seattle area. That didn't pan out, but they did point out a few other articles that, when looked at together, form an interesting pattern:

  • Drug rehab centers all over the Midwest are being overwhelmed by a sudden influx of meth addicts. According to police, the methamphetamine supply in several Midwestern states has dried up completely. Law enforcement is taking credit for causing the shortage through aggressive enforcement. I don't believe that for a minute. The shortage is obviously the result of McDougal wandering into several drug markets that aren't used to supporting his level of consumption.
  • A military helicopter was stolen from a National Guard unit in central Indiana. There are no leads in the case, but the government does not believe the theft to be the work of terrorists. Several empty bottles of drain cleaner and a tattered size XXXXL Carolina Panthers football jersey were found at the scene.
  • Hog farmers in Southern Illinois have reported a rash of animal mutilations on their farms. The pigs have been ripped completely apart, with many parts never recovered. One of the farmers, who asked not to be named, said that he believes it to be the work of extraterrestrials who are being aided by the U.S. government. "I seen one of them CIA helicopters hanging around here," the farmer claimed.
  • A distiller in Kansas City, who manufactures alcohol for industrial use, reported that someone drilled a hole in one of their storage tanks and drained the contents. The owner blamed the theft on one of his competitors. "Someone doesn't just walk off with 1200 gallons of alcohol." In the photo accompanying the article it is pretty clear that the hole in the tank was not drilled, it was ripped into the tank. We sent the photo to our lab for comparison with McDougal's dental records. They were a nearly perfect match.

If you experience a McDougal sighting please report it to this webpage immediately. Do not attempt to approach McDougal under any circumstances. He is to be considered insane and dangerous. He seems to be following a Westerly course. If you are in the path of McDougal please board up your windows and lock your doors. He is attracted to light and cooking smells, so keep your shades drawn and eat only cold foods.

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Sunday, February 05, 2006

Superbowl Shuffle

I had completely forgotten that I promised McDougal I would drive him up to Detroit for the Superbowl tonight, so he called at 3:30 this morning to remind me. I was a little bit nervous about taking him, considering that he is still under the impression that Carolina will be playing tonight. But I knew that I would be better off facing his wrath over being lied to than breaking my promise. One think McDougal does not fuck around over is transportation.

I showed up at McDougal's house this morning in a rented Lincoln Town Car. It was roughly as big as a Navy minesweeper. No less than fifteen cows gave their lives so that the interior could be covered in luxurious leather. If you are going to be traveling with the Big Man you need a correspondingly large automobile. In the trunk, I had a few gametime refreshments. Beer, tortilla chips, nacho cheese, pizza rolls... The usual. McDougal marched out of the house carrying an armload of the supplies he requires for football viewing. A gallon of turpentine, a bucket of mashed potatoes, an uncooked pork shoulder, a Remington 870 tactical shotgun and a large cylinder of nitrous oxide. As he tossed the cylinder into the trunk I heard it crush my bag of chips.

McDougal was dressed in full Carolina Panthers regalia, complete with facepaint. If I were going to tell him that Carolina wasn't actually in the Superbowl this year that would have been the time. I didn't though. It turned out alright though, since we never made it to Detroit anyway.

McDougal lowered himself into the passenger's seat, which he ratcheted back as far as it would go. He still seemed displeased with the amount of legroom. I expected him to rip the seat out and sit in the back, which I have seen him do before, but instead he pulled his knees in close to his chest and fired a savage mule kick against the car's dashboard. It rocked the whole car. McDougal began to pull his legs in for a second kick.

"Careful McDougal," I yelled, "there are airbags in there!"

He shot me a contemptuous glance, but lowered his feet to the floor.

Somewhere in Ohio is where it all went to hell. We were flying up I-75, McDougal hanging out the window, loudly pledging his allegiance to the Carolina Panthers at the other motorists as we passed them. Anytime he saw a car with Michigan license plates he would hurl a handfull of mashed potatoes at it, believing that to be the state where Seattle is located. As I pulled around a large dump truck full of rocks, the truck in front of me (one of those three-long semi trailers that weaves down the road like some mechanized nightmare centipede) blew out a tire. We were suddenly engulfed in a cloud of white smoke and shredded rubber. Temporarily blinded, I failed to negotiate a gentle curve in the road and ricocheted off the guardrail, directly into the path of the dump truck which bumped us from behind. It wasn't a hard hit, but it was just enough to knock the valve off of McDougal's cylinder of nitrous. There was an explosion from the trunk of the car. Suddenly the whole interior was filled with bits of leather, foam padding, tortilla chips and ice cold nitrous oxide. With one end open, the cylinder had fired off like a rocket, blasting through the back seat, between McDougal and I, then exiting through the windshield. The nitrous fumes dissipated quickly due to the rush of cold air blasting through the bowling ball sized hole in the windshield, but I still began to feel a bit foggy. McDougal was laughing like a maniac, not because of the gas I think, but because he actually is a maniac and watching the cylinder transform into a missile pleased him greatly.

Speaking of that cylinder, if I hadn't been feeling the effects of the gas, and if the windshield hadn't been spiderwebbed beyond transparency, I would have noticed that same cylinder skittering around directly in the path of our left front tire. There was a tremendous thump as the impact shredded our tire, removing the last ounce of control I had over the large automobile. We bounced off the guardrail one more time, spun completely around twice, then rocketed over a ditch, finally coming to rest wrapped up in a barbed wire fence. McDougal's airbag failed to deploy, probably as a result of the vicious kicking he gave it. When his face bounced off the dashboard it left a perfect greasepaint mirror image of a panther. I thought this was pretty funny, but kept it to myself out of fear for my safety.

When the police arrived they found McDougal to be incoherent and uncontrollable. They tried pepper spray, but that just made him angry. They tried a Tazer, but McDougal just grabbed the wires and yanked the weapon right out of the cop's hands. The last I saw the Big Man, he was running off into the woods, screaming that he would destroy the whole city of Seattle for this outrage. I used this opportunity to sneak off before the State Troopers started asking me questions. Tonight I plan on watching the Superbowl from this shitty Ohio motel, that is, if I can adjust the rabbit ears to get some kind of reception. Maybe I will try tin foil.

Oh... And if you see McDougal, tell him Carolina won. He might be willing to spare Seattle (or some town in Michigan that he thinks is Seattle) if you do.

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Friday, February 03, 2006

A message from McDougal Campaign Headquarters

It has been a busy week here at McDougal's Presidential Campaign Headquarters. We had planned on having our first major campaign fundraiser last Sunday, however in the wee hours of the morning our headquarters was rocked by a series of explosions. Massive power outages followed and as a result the event had to be cancelled. We suspect foul play. There are powerful forces conspiring against this campaign. These forces include McDougal himself. However, we are certain that his interference at least, is purely unintentional. We are hoping that we will be able to get in contact with the Big Man soon and inform him of his Presidential bid. Until then we will just have to keep our heads down.

As for the unseen sinister forces that seek to derail our efforts, next time they rear their ugly heads we will be ready for them. We have begun stockpiling weapons, which has turned out to be much easier than we could have hoped for. Quite frankly, sometimes I am a bit appalled at the type of artillery we have been able to collect over the course of a week and on a shoestring budget.

Be on the lookout for upcoming McDougal campaign events in your area.

Onward and upward!



Campaign Manager,
McDougal for President

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