Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It's a fact!

Perhaps you have read something on this page and said to yourself, "that can't possibly be true." Well, it probably was, and we are the reason why.

FoMcD employs a large staff of fact checkers, who are constantly on call to answer any questions the writers might have, to review any questionable information before it is published and to help McDougal settle bar bets.

We take our work very seriously and take great pride in maintaining only the strictest level of accuracy in all things.

Actually, in the interest of strict accuracy, I will admit, that we occasionally fudge the details on the rare instances that McDougal stops by the office personally to settle a bet. When he calls in on his cell phone and we have to give him the bad news that, for example, he was mistaken about the number of times the word "fuck" was used in The Big Lebowski, by the time he makes it over here to "rip off (my) dick and fuck (me) in the ear with it" his rage has usually subsided because he forgot why he was coming here. But if he stops by in person... Well, I have no desire to have my earhole fucked, much less with my own penis. So I think these rare lapses in truthfulness can be forgiven.

Here's a fact for you: Yesterday the entire mailroom staff was fired.

Here's another fact: The editorial staff is still in no condition to answer your letters.

So, we have been placed in charge of answering the questions submitted by our readers over the past few weeks. Tomorrow we will be looking for someone to stick with this duty, so you at least have that to look forward to.

Our first question is yet another from the massive assault on our mailroom being perpetrated by one Josh Williams:

Is it true the McDougal campaign eco friendly bio diesel bus has been modified to run on non registered voters?

It is true that McDougal has been actively courting the environmental vote, of that there is no doubt. However, I want you to really think about the question you are asking. Does that make any sense from a political standpoint? Non-registered voters pose no threat to McDougal. In fact they may even be turned to his worldview and properly registered, to his advantage. McDougal's bus runs on a blend of biodiesel brewed from the fats and oils gained from the boiling of the corpses of registered Democrats and Republicans.

Hypersonic writes:

Is it true that Macdougal had a homosexual relationship with Fidel Castro before the start of the Cuban Revolution?

First of all, it is McDougal, not MacDougal. McDougal is of Irish heritage, not of Scottish heritage, as is suggested by the prefix "Mac". This explains all the drinking and fighting.

Although McDougal has demonstrated a penchant for sodomy, he does not consider himself to be a homosexual. The best comparison that can be made for McDougal's opinion on this matter is with the activities of prison inmates. Prisoners regularly engage in anal intercourse, however very few of them view themselves as being gay. This is particularly true of the person making the "delivery", if you will. Doubly so if the recipient is not a willing participant. This activity is undertaken as an act of violence and a means demonstrating their complete power over the victim. It is commonly referred to as "making them your bitch."

With this view in mind, it is crucial to note the timing of the act in question. This did not occur prior to the Cuban Revolution, as you have indicated in your letter. Rather, the act took place several years after. At the time, McDougal was in the employ of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. He had been working in Cuba since the early days of the revolution, and had gained the complete trust of the new communist government. Once he had gathered all the information he thought necessary, and had made arrangements for his escape, McDougal felt compelled to locate Castro and demonstrate to him the awesome power of the United States Government.

Fidel Castro was not the lone recipient. McDougal also taught "lessons" to Raul Castro and Che Guevara. It was a lesson they would not soon forget. Particularly Fidel. Raul and Che managed to escape relatively unscathed, but Fidel was left with a virulent case of gonorrhea. Back at CIA headquarters, McDougal's humiliating one-man assault on the Cuban leadership quickly made him a legend. However, because of the nature of his actions, they were always alluded to using euphemisms in those conservative times. It was one of these, which referred to the passage of that particular infection, that somehow escaped the walls of CIA headquarters and is still repeated to this day, with no knowledge of its true meaning. Think about that next time someone tells you that the CIA "tried to kill Castro with a poison cigar."

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Howdy from the mailroom!

A few weeks ago the writers of this blog asked you, the readers, to submit questions that would be answered in this, our first ever Behind the Scenes Week. Since then we have received, literally, several questions, most of which have little or nothing to do with what goes on in the daily operations of the McDougal empire.

Since we here in the mailroom have nothing better to do besides thumb through McDougal's issues of Hustler Magazine and fashion crude hockey pucks out of wads of junk mail and duct tape, the writing staff has asked us to answer a few letters. Actually, they asked the editorial staff. But the editorial staff, apparently, thinks it is more important to do things like pass out in the elevator or spend the day in the hospital getting their stomach pumped because they tried to kill themselves by drinking a gallon of eggnog from 1998 or get arrested trying to get through customs in Miami with 17 pygmy marmosets taped to their thighs. But if anyone asks we're supposed to say they had to take the day off for a family emergency. Fuck them. If there are no editors, who the hell is supposed to stop us from printing that? It says a lot about an organization when its smartest employees are the wage slaves in the mailroom.

Oh, and for the record, we would probably be the Blogger league softball champions, but the mailroom staff refuses to be on the team with those other douchebags.

Here are the fucking letters.

The first one comes from Damnsle, who writes:

Recently I tripped over a fallen branch from a pine tree that was part of a blow down from a wind storm. Why?

The short answer is that you are going through your life not paying any attention to anything. The tiniest amount of awareness of your surroundings at any given moment will prevent this sort of thing from happening. Your inattention will someday kill you. Hopefully you do not take dozens of innocent people with you.

The long answer is that several years before your trip over the branch, a small butterfly somewhere deep in the Amazon flapped its wings a single time. This tiny puff of air rode the currents of Earth's atmosphere, combining with other puffs of wind, eventually growing into a gale capable of shattering the branches of all but the mightiest of trees. The particular branch this gale was fated to break happened to rest above a sidewalk. The timing of the branch breaking also just happened to coincide with the passage of a Hollywood casting agent, who received a very minor injury to his brain as a result. This explains the career of Ashton Kutcher.

More important, from a personal standpoint, is the question I have... Why did you not include a naked picture of yourself with your letter? McDougal receives lots of fan mail from men, but letters from women are few and far between. The letters from men often include photos, seldom clothed. Just once I'd like to open up a letter and find a picture of a beautiful woman in the nude. Your envelope smelled faintly of perfume. I keep it under my pillow while I sleep.

Speaking of obsessive male fans, our next question is from Josh Williams. You might have noticed that we answered one of his questions yesterday. This freak sends in so many questions that we could have a "Behind the Scenes Year" and still not answer them all.

As a child upon my beloved Grandfathers orders I sprayed DDT on a fishing pond to kill the mosquito fern (that's what they called it) so far as I can tell I am an endangered species who could die within this century, quite possibly from my contact with DDT, what will McDougal do for my cause?

Actually, maybe that explains the career of Ashton Kutcher. You don't happen to work in Hollywood, do you Williams?

I asked McDougal's campaign manager about this. He seemed to think that DDT had been banned sometime in the 1970s, but he might still be able to track down a barrel or two in storage somewhere. He says in the mean time, the canned aerosol roach spray that is available in any hardware store packs a similar kick, so you might try huffing that to get your buzz.

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Monday, January 29, 2007

A message from the Editor's desk.

Greetings faithful readers, and welcome to the first ever Freinds of McDougal Behind the Scenes Week!

Sorry it's a bit late, first of all. We had every intention of starting Behind the Scenes Week yestereday morining, but in hindsight this was an unrealistic goal. Sunday mornings are reservered for hangovers. Everybody knows that. The revised goal of Sunday afternoon was also unrealistic, as sunday afternoons are reserved for league softball. (We played the writing staff from that "Lonelygirl" blog yesterday. It was a squeaker, we ended up losing 9-8, which drops us below .500 and pretty much destroys all hope of capturing a wild card spot) Afterwards we were really in no condition to write a blog entry, which is perfectly understandable for anyone who has ever played league softball. I mean, what would softball be without beer and peyote, right? I had high hopes for sunday night, since there would be no football this week. But sports betting is a longstanding tradition here at the office and McDougal wanted to use the off weekend to work everyone up to a pre-superbowl frenzy by staging, right in the office, a cockfight between roosters named "Bear" and "Colt." For the record, Colt won, but lost his left eye in the process. Place your Superbowl bets acccordingly.

Anyway, here it is, Monday night, and we realized that we should either delay the start of Behind the Scenes Week, or someone had better write something. Personally, I was in favor of another delay, but the guys in the mailroom are sick of answering angry letters from someone named "Carl Spackler." There are more employees in the mailroom than on the editorial staff, so they managed to carry the vote. McDougal abstained, which is to say he is still passed out, and the writing staff has used "Behind the Scenes Week as an excuse to take a week's vacation. I think that's bullshit, by the way. Ever since they added the screenwriting division they;ve been taking more and more time off. Everyone else had to work over the holidays, but they all skated out somehow, which was a bit hit to the quality of this blog in my opinion. Last year's Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's segments were some of our most popular ever, but this year the website sat idle for all three. Not a peep from management about it either. Too busy getting sucked off by the writing staff I guess...

Oh, I guess I'm supposed to answer some letters too. OK, our first letter comes from alert reader Josh Williams, of Indianapolis, India.

Josh writes:

When McDougal bitch slaps you and humiliates you in front of your friends for doing or not doing your job do you pray to God that you are fortunate enough to have a job in retail?

Retail? Josh, I am an editor, with twelve years of experience. I do not work in retail. OK, yes.. I do also maintain the website that sells Starbox Productions t-shirts and McDougal trinkets, but I don't consider myself to be a "retail worker." I have a master's degree. As for the beatings at the hands of McDougal, they are frequent and severe. During them I often pray to God, Josh, but mostly I pray that the beating will end. Failing that, I pray that I will black out before the sodomy begins.

Our next question comes from the aforementioneed Carl "Hot Carl" Spackler*:

which does mcdougal prefer...coke or pepsi?

Coke, Carl. Kilos and kilos of coke. Without McDougal the economy of Columbia wouulld collapse overnight. McDougal does like Pepsi too, though. Sometimes he wil mix the two. He will mix them into an enema, for quicker absorbtion, which I will then be forced to inject into his anus. He says the bubbles tickle. The whole time he giggles and kicks his feet. It can be quite dangerous. I've had my jaw broken before.

Well, that's all we have time for today.** Join us again tomorrow when we will be answering more reader questions on Friends of McDougal: Behind the Scenes Week!


* As far as I know Carl Spackler does not go by the nickname "Hot Carl," however, as this is a popular internet nickname for anyone named Carl, I have included it here. This is what editors do.

** This is a baldfaced lie. I have all the time in the world. Truthfully, when I started writing this I was still a little drunk form last night. But as time wore on, my buzz wore off and now I can feel the iron grip of a massive hangover imbeding its jagged fingernails into my skull. My left eye is twitching. I have nothing but contempt for you all.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Campaign Manager's Journal

It has been a rough couple of weeks in the McDougal campaign, but things are finally starting to look a bit better. I think this month we have finally disproved the old adage that all press is good press. I don't think any Presidential candidate has ever gone from completely ignored to universally reviled as quickly as McDougal did with his Elvis's birthday speech. I find it more than a bit unfair that people have reacted so negatively to McDougal's Iraq exit strategy of reinstating Saddam Hussein as dictator, when it is a plan that is inherently unworkable. Dead men do not make effective dictators. With the possible exception of Fidel Castro. I have some doubts about the current situation in Cuba...

Anyway, the war in Iraq is such a hot button campaign issue, it would be political suicide to go back out on the campaign trail without an Iraq exit strategy. The major parties have already taken their sides, with the Republicans digging in for the Long War and the Democrats standing by for the chance to Cut and Run. This leaves precious little middle ground for third parties such as ourselves.

McDougal spent so much time carefully crafting his Iraq policy, it would be a shame to throw it away outright. After many late night, cocaine and whiskey-fueled discussions on the bus, his plan started to make more and more sense to me. After all, propping up friendly dictatorships is the strategy that won us the Cold War. Somewhere along the line we lost direction and started pursuing this misguided "spreading the seeds of democracy" policy that has caused us nothing but misery. It's time for a return to the good old days.

Of course, there's still the problem of finding a suitable dictator...

Sure, there are a lot of vicious bastards out there, but the best ones are already running their own countries. Picking one of them is out of the question. You can't solve a crisis in an unstable shithole by creating a power vacuum in another unstable shithole. In that direction lies never ending chaos. And the past five years have been rough on out of work dictators. Milosevic, Pinochet, Amin... All dead. I was beginning to fear that we would have to craft another Iraq strategy, but just when I was on the verge of giving up, I saw this news item in USA Today:

Manuel Noriega scheduled for September release

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The McDougal Wiki Vol. 1

How to eat glass

  1. Find a large piece of glass (e.g. Grape Nehi Bottle, glass eye from a gypsy, or a windshield off an '83 Buick Elektra)
  2. Open your fucking mouth.
  3. Insert glass object or bite down on larger piece (if primary glass piece is too large to be eaten in one bite).
  4. Chew.
  5. Chase with delicious beverage of your choice.
  6. Use 100% cotton shop rags or terry cloth in lieu of toilet paper for 4 to 7 days.

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Campaign Manager's Journal

After 16 days at sea we finally washed ashore in Florida. The Coast Guard was extremely confused to encounter a rickety boat filled with white people, American citizens no less, so they detained us for a week before deciding that there was nothing they could charge us with. When I got back home, all I wanted was a long shower, a shave and several days sleep in my nice comfortable bed. Instead, I was met with an answering machine full of messages from McDougal, asking me what the hell was taking me so long to get to Memphis. The last few messages, before the tape ran out, contained many threats of violence if I did not arrive in Memphis in time for Elvis's birthday celebration. I took a quick shower, shaved and began packing my bags. I could sleep in the plane.

Given their similar taste in every possible excess, it should be no surprise to the readers of this weblog that McDougal and The King were great friends back in the '70s. But even I was surprised to learn that McDougal had been invited to be a keynote speaker at the Elvis's birthday celebration taking place at Graceland. I hurriedly arranged for banners and campaign literature to be sent by express courier. This would be our greatest opportunity yet to reach the masses with a McDougal campaign appearance. The inflatable gorilla would have been a great attention-getter for the NASCAR set, but getting it to Memphis in time would have been a logistical impossibility. And besides, I doubt the management of Graceland would have allowed it anywhere near the grounds.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when, finally getting his turn at the lectern, McDougal launched into a eulogy for Saddam Hussein. He did not mention Elvis once in his speech.

McDougal went on to explain that the Bush administration forced Saddam's execution as a way to undermine the Iraq exit strategy that he had been working on in secret and was waiting for the optimum moment to unveil on the campaign trail. This was news to me. McDougal never gave me any indication that he had spent even a nanosecond thinking about how he would handle the Iraq situation if elected. The following is an excerpt from his hour-long speech.

"Saddam was the only person who ever demonstrated the slightest ability to control the various factions in Iraq. Sure, his methods were inhumane... But opinion polls now show that the American people don't care what happens in Iraq. They just want our troops out. But leaving Iraq in chaos is no kind of solution.

I was prepared to offer America a real solution.

By restoring Saddam Hussein to power, I would have guaranteed the return of a crushed and defeated Iraq. The Iraq we knew and loved.

We had Saddam right where we wanted him. He was contained. Embargoed. And he scared the hell out of the Iranians, I'll tell you that much.

I miss Saddam dearly. He was everything you could want in an enemy. He was undeniably evil. But he was also comically inept. He was like a James Bond villain. Although he was constantly grasping for a weapon of world domination, you knew deep in your heart that he didn't have a snowball's chance of success.

Who among you, and be honest now, who among you was actually afraid of Saddam Hussein attacking the United States?

Having Saddam Hussein as a nemesis was like matching wits with a cartoon coyote."

At this point McDougal raised his right hand from behind the lectern to reveal a Saddam Hussein hand puppet.

"I know! I'll use my ACME SuperCannon to fire nuclear warheads at that infidel roadrunner!"

The speech continued on for another twenty minutes as a ventriloquist act, with the Saddam puppet quizzing McDougal on Mid-East politics.

The conclusion of McDougal's speech was greeted with stunned silence by the legions of Elvis fanatics. McDougal pumped both hands into the air, fingers in triumphant V's, in a Richard Nixon salute and marched off stage, grinning from ear to ear.

I don't think this will play well in the heartland.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Quotable McDougal (#9)

"I wish unicorns were fake and panda bears were real."

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