The Quotable McDougal (#6)

"Less bacon is never the answer."

What the hell just happened there?

Loni Andersen was the best since I
have you RIGged this infernal machine to automatically trunkate my posts? Like you have me Then he shouldn't have said "bacon on the side"
That's not a BLTon some kind of pay no mind list? I've seen this shit before, dPerry White or Perry Mason?ung, it's calleSeems like you might have let the air out first.d a mutiny. And I'll not stand for it.
Now I know which one you are though. You're the red haired firecracker with tits Lou Diamond Phillips has my back on thisto the moon. I

1. 
   Still can't believe she wouldn't take the goat in exchange for THAT MUCH LETTUCE.

know you, woman. I was married to you for 11 years. You may or may not remember me, but I'm the one who got you the new teeth. You were a funny vixIf I could have done six times the load, you know I would haveen when I found you, lying severely beaten and nearly dead off the 126. Said you were on your way back from TJ, where you were working some dog and pony show for the tourists for something like $44/hour. Lived like royalty down there for that wage. But your heart was black as coal, and you know it. I saved your life woman.
But you know all this. And that's not what You're going to have to spend the night with Reba. I don't know how many nights. She's not back from Yuma yet.I want to talk about anyway. Couple of things while I'm sober. This presidential business. Sure, I'll run. But I want to make a few things clear:

• Walken's out. I want nothing to do with him. That is to say, he's out of the campaign bus. Of course, he's my guy for Veep. He was in that movie with Chris Rock right? Wait, is Chris Rock the wrestler, or is I mean, come on, it's 2071. Things have changed since then.that Charlie Murphy. The one with the funny facial tick. That's the one I want. If he's not at my side, call the whole thing off. And by my side, I mean nowhere near me or my handlers. I don't want to see him, talk to him, or hear what he says in support of our campaign. We're in this together ... but apart. I still don't have an N key. Now, every time I want to type an N, I have to turn the computer sideways and type a Z.

I don't know what a M.E.A.T. party is. But I believe in their principles. So they can count me in Let's just borrow the money, then call Peter Ustinov when it's time to collect.as their leader. I'll do this for free, but I want an honorarium. I want a lump sum payment of I don't think it's a barracudanearly $8,000,000. The exact amount doesn't concern me, but it better not exceed the agreed upon fNo, you're going to have to -- hold on, I have another call. It's the Chancellor. He's come for the goiter, and I can't cover for you anymore.igure by one penny. I also want Tom Delay and John Ashcroft involved. And I want a pint of mescaline and a tanker truck full of those tiny little M&M's. I'm going to throw those to supporters at campaign rallies. I'm going to start training now so that by the time the campaign kicks off, I'll be able to launch them with such accuracy that I'll be able to take out a robin's eye at a quarter mile, if needed. And, trust me, it will be needed.
It took me six days to type all that shit up there. My anger has subsided some, and I can't remember who I'm writing this to. Patrick Swayze once said thatDid I tell you that I fixed the N problem? You have to be smarter than the machine, that's what I always say.

M.E.A.T. Party Platform

While neither McDougal nor Walken will comment on the rumored '08 M.E.A.T. Party presidential bid in 2008, Party Founder has shared the ten basic tenets of MEAT:

1. As President of the United States, McDougal shall decree that Christopher Walken will always play Vice President as the guy from True Romance.
2. President McDougal shall decree that New Orleans will be built bigger and better than ever -- on the MOON.
3. President McDougal will never go more than 14 hours without punching poor people in the face and/or taking something of value from them and dashing it to bits, then laughing like a maniacal villain from a James Bond movie.
4. Vice President Walken will only break character as the True Romance guy to say "more cowbell!" when the going gets tough. Actually he will go in and out of those two characters, which will be even more entertaining because it will surprise you when he switches.
5. The McDougal Administration will declare March 3, 4, and 5 "National Half-Week Where We Find New Potential First Ladies", and will cruise Buckhead, The Castro District, and the French Quart... oh wait, no, not the French Quarter.
6. For too long, our nation has struggled with too many meat options. This manner of confusion lessens a man's morale and mental resolve. Let us limit our meat choices. Bacon should be adopted as the national meat of choice.
7. Spider monkeys are ruining our world. No one does anything about spider monkeys. The prisons should be emptied, and the criminals appointed national exterminators or other high-ranking Federal positions (FEMA Director, Secretary of Meat, Pimiento Cheese Inspector General, etc.). I mean, come on, are they spiders or are they monkeys ... or do they live in that magic realm between?
8. I kind of like that show where Tommy Lee goes to college.
9. Implementation of the Fair Tax.
10. All former Presidents with a last name ending in H and starting with either B or X must be placed in a jello mold with at least three orifices (of their own choosing) sticking out. This mold will be placed in the center of the Mall of America on a gold leaflet pedestal, where all citizens of the world will be allowed to throw small objects at the orifices in freedom. No one shall trammel upon the rights of the people, and the Presidents shall be kept alive with intravenous fluids and SCUBA gear for no less than four years.

McDougal Fast Facts

Did you know?

• McDougal conditions his pubic hair with bot bacon grease.
• He sleeps standing up, like a horse.
• Holds nine world records, including longest pinky toe in the history of man.
• Types about 18 words per minute.
• Once choked Jack Kemp to death.
• One of McDougal's legs is twice as long as the other.
• Drilled Justine Bateman in her bait well.
• Drilled Jason Bateman in his bait well.
• Enjoys the salsa, but prefers the rumba.
• Invented "Cool Ranch" flavor.
• Sees the world through flesh-colored lenses.
• Thought the French-Indian war was a war between the French and the Indians.
• Holds a master's degree in Ninjonics from Ninja State University in Taipei.
• Can peer into a man's soul using microwave oven, compact mirror, and six feet of nylon.