Friday, April 28, 2006


Greetings from McDougal campaign headquarters! The campaign is really kicking into high gear. Let me tell you! You may have noticed that they've given me my own screen name here on the Friends of McDougal weblog so that I can keep all of McDougal's fans updated on the campaign.

Last weekend we staged McDougal's first official campaign rally. Planning an event like this caused a great deal of anxiety among the staff here. McDougal still doesn't do well with crowds, which can make a campaign rally a difficult thing. If, in the middle of an impassioned speech, McDougal freaked out and ate, had intercourse with, or otherwise mutilated an American citizen, well, his candidacy would be over with right there. For this reason, it was decided that his first campaign appearance should be held somewhere outside the U.S. This is, of course, an unconventional tactic, but it makes sense. It plays to McDougal's strength in foreign policy issues and allows us to downplay his weaknesses in domestic policy, most notably drug law reform. This should be one of his hot-button topics, but so far we have been unable to refine his view on the subject to a talking point more eloquent than "Goddamn it , I need pills!"

The selection of a suitable country for his appearance was the subject of intense debate among the staff. The debate was broken down into two camps. One held the view that we should select a country in which English is the primary language, as foreign languages confuse McDougal. The other group was of the opinion that if the audience couldn't understand a single thing McDougal said, this would actually be to our advantage. In the end, it was decided that we would select a nation of English speakers, but one that was as far away from the United States as possible, the logic being that the distance would act as a buffer between and unpleasantness on McDougal's part and the American media. And so, we loaded up the campaign staff and McDougal's people, then set off for Australia.

I spent most of the long flight assuring McDougal that Australia was not the same place that Hitler was born and after seven consecutive viewings of Crocodile Dundee II McDougal was actually starting to look forward to his campaign rally. He even dictated a short speech to Anne Marie, his Red Cross volunteer. The speech was actually pretty good. I only had to do a few rewrites to remove a handful of unintentional racial slurs and one very intentional death threat.

When we arrived in Sidney and began to set up, McDougal wandered off on his own and made several calls on his cell phone. Soon several large barbecue grills, which I hadn't ordered, arrived. Two refridgerator trucks showed up shortly after. McDougal had gotten it into his head that the best way to generate goodwill with the Australians was with a kangaroo barbecue. I tired, to no avail, to convince him that we would probably be better off serving regular meats like beef, chicken and fish. He ignored me completely, instead growing angry at someone on the other end of his cell phone because they would not send a truckload of koala meat to the rally.

The rally was not the success I had imagined, but it was not a complete fiasco either, which is, I suppose, the best I should have expected. McDougal ate fourteen whole kangaroos, but none of the guests would touch the barbecue. I tired a little bit, just to be polite, but found the meat to be a little gamey for my taste. None of the members of Australia's Parliament who we invited decided to attend, which was a little disappointing. However, the banners, fireworks and loud music (McDougal has selected "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash as his campaign theme) attracted a sizeable crowd. McDougal's speech was the highlight of the evening. He is a skillful and impassioned orator and he held the crowd in the palm of his hand until he abandoned his notes, first talking about rising gas prices (really more of a domestic issue) then went on a ten minute rant about the dangers of squirrels (at one point he told the assembled crowd "they live in the walls" in a conspiratorial whisper) but he brought it all back home in the end, finally thanking the people of Australia for being a valuable ally in the War on Terror, to a ripple of polite applause. Usually McDougal's speeches end with coughing and shifting uncomfortably, so that's a marked improvement.

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Friday, April 21, 2006

Spring Break

"Do you ever get tired of writing all those lies about me?"

And so began another confrontation between McDougal and I about the contents of this very web page. These were becoming an almost daily occurrence since his discovery of my weblog while he was on the run from the law following that nasty business on Superbowl Sunday.

"They aren't lies McDougal, they're the honest-to-God truth."

This particular discussion was taking place through the bars of a jail cell in Key West. McDougal absolutely despises Florida, yet he owns a great deal of land in the Keys. I suspect there is a story in there somewhere, involving illegal activity. His presence in the jail had nothing to do with that though.

"If they aren't lies then why the hell don't I remember any of that shit."

McDougal was incarcerated because he was the only person in the Keys that fit the description of the man who viscously assaulted a street performer the previous evening. Some sort of singing wizard or some such nonsense. The street performer, that is... The suspect was described as a white male, approximately 7' 3", 415 pounds, wearing a toga fashioned out of a banner advertising a popular Mexican beer and a crown of barbed wire.

"Um... If I had to guess? I would say a combination of booze and drugs, coupled with rough living. You know, repeated blows to the head and such..."

Apparently the street performer made a joke about McDougal's appearance, as if a man wearing a robe and a peaked hat, strumming a guitar has much room to talk. Obviously McDougal took offense, because they found the man beaten senseless with his own guitar.

"I do believe I'm going to have to kill this son of a bitch."

McDougal was speaking of the public defender who was standing next to me. I suppose you are wondering what a man of McDougal's wealth and power was doing enlisting the services of a public defender... The county was anxious to move the weekend's backlog of cases through court, however McDougal's attorney had spent the entire day before his client's arrest engaged in nine rounds of the Diary of Anne Frank Drinking Game with McDougal, and had not yet regained consciousness. There wasn't a single other lawyer in the State of Florida who would come near McDougal with a ten foot pole.

"Mister McDougal..."

That was the maximum number of words McDougal would allow to escape the public defender's mouth before he interrupted him. The attorney explained to me that he wanted to pursue an insanity plea based on statements McDougal made to the 27 arresting officers about his abilities to move fluidly through time and space and to make the laws of physics bend to his will. McDougal wouldn't hear of it.

"The United Nations wasn't able to find me insane, what luck does this shitwater burg have?!"

The public defender just looked confused by this argument. Apparently he didn't read the newspapers much between '85 and '87. McDougal changed tactics...

"I'm going to tell you a story. Listen carefully, because I'm only gonna tell it once. When I was hiking in the mountains of Austria back in 1892 I came across a family who were being set upon by a pack of rabid wolves. Now, ordinarily, I would have walked on by, maybe stopping for a minute to point and laugh. But the family had a young boy with them, and so, for once in my life, I decided to show a little mercy. I fought those wolves for three hours, losing a bit of my left thigh in the process and contracting a case of rabies. That young boy grew up to be Adolph Hitler. I have to live with that every day of my life, and I haven't shown a millisecond of mercy to anyone since."

The public defender repeated that story in court the next morning and all charges were immediately dropped.

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

McDougal is a Survivor...

I'm not talking about his skills as a woodsman, although those skills are considerable, and I'm sure as shit not talking about the reality television program. I'm talking about the rock and roll band. Now don't expect to see McDougal up there on stage playing bass (McDougal plays bass, of course) on "Eye of the Tiger" if you go to see Survivor at your state fair or local rib cookoff. He hasn't played with them in decades, but McDougal was part of the original lineup. I mean, the original, original lineup, not the one you see in official band bios and all that. Back then they were called The Survivors and they played a very different style than what Survivor eventually became famous for. It was sort of an electrified Balkan folk/Prog rock fusion thing... It's hard to describe. But McDougal was the visionary behind the whole thing and when he decided to leave the band to pursue a solo career, well the rest of the band had no choice but to seek out a different style of music to play. But notice I said McDougal is a Survivor, not was. You see, out of respect for McDougal's musical genius the band has a standing order that if, someday, McDougal shall return he may claim his place as bandleader with no questions asked.

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

McDougal's Mailbag 2

Well, since I had to scrap yesterday's planned April Fool's Day story (McDougal drowns in Fluffalo hunting accident!) at the last minute, the post I had originally planned for today (April Fools!) wouldn't have made a bit of sense, so I had to throw that one out too, leaving me with nothing to write about. I am, however, still getting McDougal's mail. Two more bags of it arrived this week. A package in one of the bags exploded, destroying all of the mail and part of my foyer, but I still have a whole bag of mail to work with. Well, most of it anyway. McDougal stopped by and picked up the Asian porn and Highlights magazines. Apparently he is keeping close tabs on someone named "Goofus." When I told McDougal about the bomb in his mail (he didn't even ask why the front of my house was missing) he looked dismayed and said "Hmmm... One of them must have gotten sent back. I thought I used enough postage." As scary as the thought of McDougal mailing out bombs is, I was much more horrified to discover an autographed picture of the band 98 Degrees included with this weeks mail. I've included a scan of the photo here, as it might be of interest to McDougal's fans, as well as any fans of 98 Degrees who might also read this blog. Apparently McDougal is a collector of celebrity autographs, which I didn't know.

Mr. McDougal,

We recently received your many, many letters requesting signed photographs. Mr. Knotts always loved hearing from fans. Regretfully, as you may have heard, he recent death makes it impossible for us to grant your request.

Executor, the estate of Don Knotts

Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your interest in the Catholic Church. We are not planning any Inquisitions at this time. Hopefully this does not dampen your enthusiasm for converting to Catholicism.

Yours in Christ,
The Vatican

Mr. McDougal,

Our maintenance crew discovered your car on the roof of our building yesterday. We need you to move it so we can access one of the air conditioning units.

Facilities Manager,
Sears Tower, Chicago, IL

Mr. McDougal

We have completed cleanup of the former site of your NARCOBOVINEDEFRACULATOR. The costs of soil removal and construction of the concrete and lead cap which now covers the crater, as well as the wages of the soldiers from the Montana National Guard who are currently maintaining the Exclusion Zone will be added to the fines outlined in our previous letter.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission

Mr. McDougal,

Please stop sending letters. You are just going to have to face the fact that Mr. Ebsen died over two years ago and you will be receiving no autographed photos. No amount of threats will bring Mr. Ebsen back from the grave.

The Buddy Ebsen estate

Herr McDougal,

Please return the Ark of the Covenant to us. We know that you are not using it. It just sits in that warehouse collecting dust.

The Government of Germany

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What the clock?

I have awakened this morning to a bizarre shift in the space/time continuum. You must understand I am a heavily medicated man. The pills are the only silence for the demons that haunt my black, black soul.

I have just returned from the McDonald's eatery nearest my home, where they were no longer serving breakfast. Why had they desisted with preparation and serving of the most important meal of the day? Because to their reckoning, it is after 9:30 a.m.

Their reckoning could not be more wrong, despite the staunch arguments of my loyal and devoted Red Cross volunteer, Anne Marie.

I own a $44,000 Rolex.

And if that minimum wage burger jockey wants to argue about the merits of his grease-stained $34 Fossil hunk of tin shit and his notion of time versus my brilliant time piece and even more brilliant mind, then I shall continue this argument in Hell.

So I gave him a fucking swirlie in the deep fryer. I'll be joining him in the next two thousand years. We shall continue this conversation then.

In the interim, the manager was far more reasonable. Shortly after I fried his fry cook (that's funny, right? No, don't type that. I was asking you a question. Please stop typing now.)

No, type this. Just don't type that part I was saying to you.

No, I just want to tell them the physics part.

I don't know who. The people who read this glog. What are you laughing at?

Glog, blog. LIke I give a fuck what it's called. You know what I meant. Now type what I mean, not what I say. Thank you.

Tell them what I told the manager.

No, I don't remember it now. The thing about the wormholes.

I don't know. Just copy and paste some shit from the Internet. Tell them that's what I said.

THE INTRIGUING notion that time might run backwards when the Universe
collapses has run into difficulties. Raymond Laflamme, of the Los Alamos
National Laboratory in New Mexico, has carried out a new calculation which
suggests that the Universe cannot start out uniform, go through a cycle of
expansion and collapse, and end up in a uniform state. It could start out
disordered, expand, and then collapse back into disorder. But, since the COBE
data show that our Universe was born in a smooth and uniform state, this
symmetric possibility cannot be applied to the real Universe.

Physicists have long puzzled over the fact that two distinct "arrows of
time" both point in the same direction. In the everyday world, things wear out
-- cups fall from tables and break, but broken cups never re- assemble
themselves spontaneously. In the expanding Universe at large, the future is the
direction of time in which galaxies are further apart.

Many years ago, Thomas Gold suggested that these two arrows might be
linked. That would mean that if and when the expansion of the Universe were to
reverse, then the everyday arrow of time would also reverse, with broken cups
re-assembling themselves.

More recently, these ideas have been extended into quantum physics.
There, the arrow of time is linked to the so-called "collapse of the wave
function", which happens, for example, when an electron wave moving through a TV
tube collapses into a point particle on the screen of the TV. Some researchers
have tried to make the quantum description of reality symmetric in time, by
including both the original state of the system (the TV tube before the electron
passes through) and the final state (the TV tube after the electron has passed
through) in one mathematical description.

Murray Gell-Mann and James Hartle recently extended this idea to the
whole Universe. They argued that if, as many cosmologists believe likely, the
Universe was born in a Big Bang, will expand out for a finite time and then
recollapse into a Big Crunch, the time-neutral quantum theory could describe
time running backwards in the contracting half of its life.

Unfortunately, Laflamme has now shown that this will not work. He has
proved that if there are only small inhomogeneities present in the Big Bang,
then they must get larger throughout the lifetime of the Universe, in both the
expanding and the contracting phases. "A low entropy Universe at the Big Bang
cannot come back to low entropy at the Big Crunch" (Classical and Quantum
Gravity, vol 10 p L79). He has found time-asymmetric solutions to the equations
-- but only if both Big Bang and Big Crunch are highly disordered, with the
Universe more ordered in the middle of its life.

Observations of the cosmic microwave background radiation show that the
Universe emerged from the Big Bang in a very smooth and uniform state. This
rules out the time-symmetric solutions. The implication is that even if the
present expansion of the Universe does reverse, time will not run backwards and
broken cups will not start re- assembling themselves.

(As dictated to, and plagiarized by Red Cross volunteer Anne Marie.)

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

I know he's serious...

This morning the following notice was stapled to my forehead:

And don't even think about doing some lameass April
Fool's Day prank, at my expense, on your God damn
weblog you cocksucking son of a whore. I'll skin you
alive and make you wear your own nutsack like a
yarmulke. Then I will eat your children.
-"Your Friend" McDougal
(As dictated to Red Cross volunteer Anne Marie)

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