McDougal Fast Facts

• The original screenplay for "The Poseidon Adventure" was called "The Upside Down Boat Movie," and featured a maniacal Ahab-like captain, who ate half his crew before the wreck and impregnated Det. Lt. Mike Rogo (the character ultimately played by Ernest Borgnine). This character, Admiral McDougal, was later removed by timid Hollywood censors, who believed the character too closely resembled Richard Nixon.


• McDougal's jaw bone is coveted by a remote tribe of Guyanese pygmies, who believe it contains the secrets of the universe, as etched thereupon by Mayor McCheese in 1641.


• McDougal coined the phrases "rogues gallery," "fool's errand," and "devil's haircut."


• McDougal has memorized the entire musical "The Merchant of Venice" backwards -- not just the words, every letter. He frequently recites the entire production whilst coming down from 16-day meth jags. He's killed men for leaving before reciting the last ... err ... first number.


• McDougal has saved the lives of three American Presidents, and killed seven (only two while still in office).


• McDougal went to Hell last Easter, where he spent the day throwing horseshoes and dice with Buddy Ebsen. When he later asked Buddy what he was doing in hell, Mr. Ebsen admitted he had no idea where he was, or that he'd even passed away. He was admittedly quite distraught when he learned of his passing. His mood took an abrupt about-face, however, when McDougal later introduced him to the Lord Christ.