Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Quotable McDougal (#6)

"Less bacon is never the answer."

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McDougal Believes

McDougal believes the children are our future.
McDougal believes in miracles.
McDougal believes he can fly.
McDougal believes that it's not butter.
McDougal won't rest until he finds out what's really in that little plastic tub.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

McDougal Sees

McDougal sees your weaknesses.
McDougal sees the solutions to all of your problems.
McDougal sees both sides of the issue.
This is all obvious to McDougal.
But McDougal is still going to do things his way.

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Monday, May 29, 2006

Campaign Ad

McDougal doesn't compromise.
McDougal takes no prisoners.
McDougal sees the blackness that is your soul.
McDougal promises to use his powers for good instead of evil (for a change).

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I think the bank is closed

I down 460. These tables are loose. Mob run deals. Mexican gambling is worse than the Cherokees. The dealer's always got Aces and Eights up his sleeve. Dead Man's hand. Slit your throat quicker'n they'd let you walk with that pot. Mexican soldiers on duty and off swarm this joint. The planes are circling ... lower with each pass. And I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. Trip fours sent me to the shitter last hand in. These Mexicans play a dirty game. Caught a Tijuana whore in my hip pocket this morning. She took me for almost $3k. I'm down and out in Old Mexico, holdin' out for a miracle, but would settle for a bus ticket out of here.

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Sunday, May 21, 2006

True Story... (2)

So the cops have us out of the car and standing on the side of the highway. They can practically smell the ozone from the synapses in McDougal's brain frying one by one as the drugs course through his system, but they can't prove anything yet. Instinct alone just won't hold up in court. They need something solid. One of the cops is going through the car with a flashlight. From the space between the drivers seat and the door he pulls out a #25 aluminum tee ball bat. The cop holds it up and looks McDougal square in the eyes.

"What the fuck is this?"

McDougal doesn't even blink.

"You've obviously never been shark fishing, officer."

Serious as cancer...

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Quotable McDougal (#5)

"I had to go to Columbus, Ohio one time to give a commencement address at The Ohio State University. That's the way they say it. THE Ohio State University. Pretentious fucks. That's actually how I started my commencement address. Anyway, Columbus is a weird town. Everyone you meet there wants to sell you heroin, but you can't find a single person who will let you swim in their pool."

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Quotable McDougal (#4)

"I have immense respect and appreciation for God's power.

Once, I was caught in a tornado. It carried me eleven miles over the Kansas flatlands, then set me down naked in a mobster's bathtub with three blind strippers and a gallon of Puerto Rican rum.

They'd all burned their retinas out staring into the lasers at the self checkout price scanner at Target. Three separate incidents. They hadn't even known each other before.

This was something of a defining moment in my faith journey because it taught me two things about God."

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The Quotable McDougal (#3)

"I never owned a pet. I think if God wanted us to "own" other living creatures he'd have -- Oh wait. I've had some dogs. I guess those are pets. Oh, and a cat, and a bunch of fish. Oh, and some gerbils and whatnot. I freaking LOVE gerbils. They're cute, right? With those little tails. They're like little rats with wings."

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The Quotable McDougal (#2)

"I divide magicians into two categories: charlatans and demons. The former use trickery to dupe the weak minded. The latter trade their immortal souls for the ability to do things like hold their breath for nine minutes. I don't care for either, but am more frightened by the tricksters. The devil and I have an agreement.

I also divide laundry into two categories."

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Friday, May 05, 2006

The Quotable McDougal (#1)

"I've searched every etiquette book I could get my hands on, and not one of them offered any advice on what is the proper greeting to give your neighbor when they walk by as you are using a twig to scrape the used condoms that are stuck to the bottom of your wastebasket into the dumpster."

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True Story...

One time, me and McDougal took a bunch of acid and went to the zoo. Our minds were expanded to the point that we were able to communicate telepathically with the animals. All we had to do was press our heads against the glass and think really hard about what we wanted the animals to do, and they would do it. It was awesome.

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