The New Year is Upon Us

I've been holed up at the Salt Lake City compound since some time before Christmas. No one has seen or heard from McDougal since he left Haiti, but I received a fairly complex and detailed set of instructions wrapped around a cinder block and hurled through the window of my 1982 Chevy conversion van on I-40, just west of Little Rock some days ago.

The message was written in blood (ox or maybe chicken) on a 3'x5' cured beaver pelt. It said:

FofM ID: 324A(lpha).611.0.9.4:

Report to Compound 04C(harlie) at 0900 hours on October 12,
2006(1.) wearing Santa suit and knee brace. Come armed. Factions gather against us. Revolution is nigh. Bring fancy French cheeses and best nylons. The cause demands a martyr. We all sacrifice for the betterment of Noopsie(2.). Plumbing is shot(3.). Don't crap in ANY of the third floor facilities. Bring wet suit and boot knife. Also, would like to see The Holiday while you are in town. Gratification is instant and only mildly painful. Thought of you while abroad (only briefly). Your time has come. Hope you know a thing or two about phrenology. If not, brush up.

~~~
1. I received the letter some time in Mid-December, so hope I am not punished for my tardiness.
2. Have no idea who or what Noopsie is. This is the first reference I've heard.
3. "Plumbing is shot" is a bit of an understatement. What it should have said is "raw sewage has seaped through through the thrid floor (and now second floor) ceilings and is dripping on the inhaibitants of the lower floors like rain in hell."

So, here I sit stinking of shit water in a Santa Claus costume that has not been washed since the Carter administration, reading about head shapes.

Also, the thermostat is set on 309 Kelvin degrees and penalty for touching the controls (even in McDougal's absence) is to be drowned in a pool of raw sewage ... which now seems my likely fate whether I adjust the temperature or not.

Yet, I find I am surprisingly optimistic these days.

Things are starting to look up.

See, there's the phone. I bet this is someone with good news right now. Perchance they've found my wife and child~`

McDougal Fast Facts

McDougal's favorite day of the week is Wednesday, because on Wednesdays McDougal does not cast a shadow.

McDougal's favorite color is Myopia.

McDougals Chinese zodiac sign is "The Narwhal."

McDougal's New Year's resolution was to not make any New Year's resolutions. The act of making this resolution caused the resolution to instantaneously break itself, creating a small tear in the space-time continuum. This explains the popularity of the song "London Bridge."

McDougal's first word was "squirrel."

McDougal once started a cold fusion reaction in his bathtub, just to prove it could be done. He used it to power the entire Eastern seaboard for two weeks before he shut it down, causing the Great Blackout of 2003. He refuses to explain how he did it because, he says, "you really just had to be there."

HAPPY NEW YEAR