Behind the Scenes Week - Bonus Sunday Edition!

Hello from the Writers Room!

We have been informed by the Legal Department that we have to do one more Behind the Scenes Week post. The original week contained six days of posts, which we thought was plenty. But the douchebag lawyers are mad because we made them do one of the days. They threatened to contact our union about it, because apparently that is some sort of violation to have non-union writers fill in. They said it has to be a Sunday post, since there was no Sunday post (softball league) in the original week. We tried to argue that it would be a violation of our Constitutional rights, because our religion views Sunday as a day of rest. The lawyers sent back an email that said, "Then we'll see you in hell." Apparently, since we had posted on Sundays in the past, it set a precedent that a "week" for this weblog includes all seven days. So it was either do a Sunday post, or get fired.

They can make us post another day, but they can't make us work weekends. Fuck that.

This is the Sunday post. We are requesting that nobody reads this until Sunday. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of the reading public, if they choose to read this post a few days early.

There, that should cover our asses...

Now, on to the letters.

Our first letter is another incoherent rant from Josh Williams:

I do not question Mr McDougals quality's as a man and human being to be
worthy of the office "President of The United States of
America" however I do wonder if his past may haunt him and his many enemas
who will surely betray him. Does "Friends of" and his worker bee's realize that
McDougal has so many enemas?

What the fuck? OK, I think I can make a tiny bit of sense from that poorly written bullshit... McDougal has no concern whatsoever about those who consider themselves his enemies. He has crushed out the souls of better men than them, 100 times over. Don't believe me? Consider this... In December of 2001, Saddam Hussein borrowed McDougal's "Caligula" DVD. He was supposed to return it before Valentine's Day, but he never did. Look where Saddam is now.

Our next letter comes from Carl Spackler, who asks:

has mcdougal ever been married...is he divorced...does he have kids?

McDougal has been married dozens of times. We've written about a few of them here. If you click on the "marriage" tag at the bottom of this post, you will be able to read about a few of his marriages. McDougal has never been divorced, but he has been widowed many times. His brides have a habit of dying under mysterious circumstances. McDougal has somewhere in the neighborhood of 938 children. Most are illegitimate, born to prostitutes and other loose women. McDougal is incredibly fertile. There are several medically verified instances where McDougal has walked past an ovulating woman during a strong windstorm and accidentally impregnated her.

The next one comes from Damnsle, who writes:

Tu me dis qu’elle est melo, ou tu me dis qu’elle aimait l’eau?

Um... Punt?

Our final letter is a late entry from Sombrero11, who writes:

I often suffer from crippling writer's block. How is it that you are so prolific?

Well, Mr. Eleven, we have a whole writing staff here at FriendsOfMcDougal. Most of the time, if one of the writers is blocked up, the other writers can pick up the slack. However, occasionally all of the writers will be hit with simultaneous cases of writer's block. When this happens, we will just throw in some filler, like a funny picture or a couple of reader-submitted letters. Sometimes a writer will hit on an idea that seems promising, but they can't quite make it work. Most of the time, they will just pass the idea on to another writer and let them finish it. But every so often someone comes up with an idea that no one can make work. Here is an unfinished and unedited draft of one such story:

I am a Friends of McDougal from the Mycenaean Era.
He went by a different
name then. Your history books call him "Agamemnon."
I was sadly killed,
however, when Agamemnon (McDougal) incurred the wrath of Artemis (the goddess,
not Artemis Gordon from Wild Wild West). Fortunately, I was washed overboard in
port as McDougal's fleet prepared to sail for Troy, and never received a proper
burial.
Imagine my surprise, when I was revived eleven months ago by none
other than AgaMcDougalnon at a truck stop outside of Dubuque, Iowa. Aside from a
terrible headache and the predictable problems associated with my 3,600-year-old
military attire. The headache was fortunately a result of a hefty dose of crank
McDougal had served up as a revival peptide. And the fashion situation was
remedied by a quick stop at a Bass Pro Shop.
It would seem that the world
has changed considerably more than McDougal initially let on in the past four
millennia. While McDougalmemnon tried to keep me shielded from the trappings of
modern society, I have recently been granted my freedom and have discovered ...

We really tried to make this one work, but no one could do a damn thing with it. It makes a good chunk of filler though, doesn't it? I hope this helps you.

Well, that's it for Behind the Scenes Week. Stay tuned for more info on the Official McDougal Presidential Campaign Internship Contest!

Campaign Manager's Journal

My new management philosophy (don't try to direct McDougal's behavior, only try to control the damage) had done wonders for my health, however I'm afraid it has caused the campaign to slow to a crawl. The big man is easily distracted and it his hard to keep his momentum up. I thought the unveiling of our new Iraq strategy would be the shot in the arm that the campaign needed, but the Liberal Media has cast doubt on the abilities of Manuel Noriega to effectively subdue a war torn nation like Iraq, given that he has been out of the military strongman game for so long. Some of them have even had the gall to suggest that the Middle East does not need another despot. I would suggest that dictatorship is the only form of governance that those people understand, but we'll save those talking points for the debate...

But, to my surprise, the issue from McDougal's platform that attracted attention this week was not foreign policy, but the environment. Since the United Nations recently released its report on climate change, reducing emissions has become the hot-button issue of the week. McDougal seems an unlikely candidate to be leading the pack on environmental issues, but the other candidates have only offered vague solutions. McDougal, on the other hand, has been coming up with concrete solutions, like his plan to produce biodiesel using the algae that grows in California's Salton Sea.

This plan recently came to the attention of the good people at the Sierra Club, who invited McDougal to speak at one of their fundraisers. Unfortunately, as our Campaign Convoy was pulling in to the convention center, McDougal chose that moment to open up the emergency escape hatch in the bus's roof and throw out several pounds of assorted fast food cups and wrappers. Several members of the Sierra Club were struck by this errant garbage, walking away splattered with ketchup and chocolate non-dairy milkshake product.

This could have spelled disaster for the campaign. It does not look good for a candidate for President to engage in littering in front of dozens of prominent environmental lobbyists. The old me would have been tearing his hair out. But that would have been a waste of time. Instead, I sent the interns on a trip to the city dump, while the speech writers and I went to work at a furious pace.

Half an hour later, McDougal took the podium in front of a hostile crowd, carrying a large black Hefty bag. They immediately confronted him about the litter. McDougal calmly smiled, reached into the sack and pulled out a bulky white item. While the crowd worked themselves into a frenzy of indignity, McDougal surveyed the room. He picked out a man about halfway back, who seemed to be shouting the loudest and hurled the item at him. If the he had caught the bundle he probably would have been OK, but he just stuck out his arm, like a sissy, to shield his face. The bundle burst open, showering him with its contents.

"You know what that is?" McDougal asked.

The man just stammered and started to retch.

"That's right," McDougal continued, "it's a disposable diaper. A very used disposable diaper. One of the earliest, in fact. As you can see, it is much bulkier than the current version. I doubt I could have gotten one of the new ones much beyond the third row. I got it in your city dump."

A murmur was running through the crowd as they backed away from the retching, shit-covered man.

"Now, in the open air, that shit would have dried to a crust and flaked off decades ago. But there's a funny thing about garbage dumps... Here, take a look at this..."

McDougal reached into the sack again. The crowd cringed. But McDougal only pulled out a newspaper. It was somewhat yellowed, but otherwise intact. He glanced at the date.

"1952."

McDougal paused for affect.

"See, organic matter really needs two things to break down. Oxygen and water. But what happens at a landfill is, all this garbage is packed into a plastic-lined hole in the ground, then sealed with a clay cap. So the trash just sits and builds up, higher and higher, year after year, and even the most fragile material never gets a chance to biodegrade. Don't take my word for it though, take a look for yourself!"

McDougal began tossing items from the sack. The members of the Sierra Club jumped up from their seats and made a mad dash for the doors, which, of course, we had locked ahead of time. We wouldn't want anyone escaping before McDougal got his message across. Meanwhile, the campaign staff remained seated in the front rows, clutching plastic sheeting like the crowd at a Gallagher show, and cheering wildly. I was too busy ducking under this plastic to avoid the occasional stray maggot or drip of putrefaction to see all of the items McDougal threw out, but I do remember seeing an open jar of spoiled mayonnaise, a dead skunk and a sickly gray-green T-bone steak. It was like Mardi Gras in hell, and the Sierra Club, still crowded around the locked door, made an easy target.

"Nasty, isn't it? And the hell of it is, in the open air... say in a parking lot, for example... most of this stuff would have been completely gone in a month. What really chaps my ass is, we're paying for all this! Waste disposal is a multi-billion dollar industry, and most of it is just smoke and mirrors. We're lining their pockets so they can hide stuff that would otherwise rot for free. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well, that's just the way they want it. The less time you spend thinking about where your trash goes, the better for them. Of course, we can't just throw our trash in the ditch... Because littering is ILLEGAL. And in most cities you can't even burn your trash. You know who is behind all these laws? THE GARBAGE LOBBY! They've been paying off the politicians left and right so that they will legislate away every option other than sending your garbage through them. For a price. Hey, Gretta Granola, better watch out, they'll be coming for your compost heap next! That's why, if elected President, my first priority will be repealing all litter laws! I don't want my trash hidden away by backroom deals, I want it out where I can see it! I demand accountability!"

McDougal marched, triumphantly off stage. We, the campaign staff, filed quickly out after him before the shell-shocked members of the Sierra Club had a chance to think about what had really just happened in there. I heard that they were stuck with a pretty hefty clean up bill from the convention center. I also heard that, after seeing the bill, a few of them were grumbling about "the garbage lobby." That's just what I heard though...

Campaign Manager's Journal

It has been a rough couple of weeks in the McDougal campaign, but things are finally starting to look a bit better. I think this month we have finally disproved the old adage that all press is good press. I don't think any Presidential candidate has ever gone from completely ignored to universally reviled as quickly as McDougal did with his Elvis's birthday speech. I find it more than a bit unfair that people have reacted so negatively to McDougal's Iraq exit strategy of reinstating Saddam Hussein as dictator, when it is a plan that is inherently unworkable. Dead men do not make effective dictators. With the possible exception of Fidel Castro. I have some doubts about the current situation in Cuba...

Anyway, the war in Iraq is such a hot button campaign issue, it would be political suicide to go back out on the campaign trail without an Iraq exit strategy. The major parties have already taken their sides, with the Republicans digging in for the Long War and the Democrats standing by for the chance to Cut and Run. This leaves precious little middle ground for third parties such as ourselves.

McDougal spent so much time carefully crafting his Iraq policy, it would be a shame to throw it away outright. After many late night, cocaine and whiskey-fueled discussions on the bus, his plan started to make more and more sense to me. After all, propping up friendly dictatorships is the strategy that won us the Cold War. Somewhere along the line we lost direction and started pursuing this misguided "spreading the seeds of democracy" policy that has caused us nothing but misery. It's time for a return to the good old days.

Of course, there's still the problem of finding a suitable dictator...

Sure, there are a lot of vicious bastards out there, but the best ones are already running their own countries. Picking one of them is out of the question. You can't solve a crisis in an unstable shithole by creating a power vacuum in another unstable shithole. In that direction lies never ending chaos. And the past five years have been rough on out of work dictators. Milosevic, Pinochet, Amin... All dead. I was beginning to fear that we would have to craft another Iraq strategy, but just when I was on the verge of giving up, I saw this news item in USA Today:

Manuel Noriega scheduled for September release

Campaign Manager's Journal

After 16 days at sea we finally washed ashore in Florida. The Coast Guard was extremely confused to encounter a rickety boat filled with white people, American citizens no less, so they detained us for a week before deciding that there was nothing they could charge us with. When I got back home, all I wanted was a long shower, a shave and several days sleep in my nice comfortable bed. Instead, I was met with an answering machine full of messages from McDougal, asking me what the hell was taking me so long to get to Memphis. The last few messages, before the tape ran out, contained many threats of violence if I did not arrive in Memphis in time for Elvis's birthday celebration. I took a quick shower, shaved and began packing my bags. I could sleep in the plane.

Given their similar taste in every possible excess, it should be no surprise to the readers of this weblog that McDougal and The King were great friends back in the '70s. But even I was surprised to learn that McDougal had been invited to be a keynote speaker at the Elvis's birthday celebration taking place at Graceland. I hurriedly arranged for banners and campaign literature to be sent by express courier. This would be our greatest opportunity yet to reach the masses with a McDougal campaign appearance. The inflatable gorilla would have been a great attention-getter for the NASCAR set, but getting it to Memphis in time would have been a logistical impossibility. And besides, I doubt the management of Graceland would have allowed it anywhere near the grounds.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when, finally getting his turn at the lectern, McDougal launched into a eulogy for Saddam Hussein. He did not mention Elvis once in his speech.

McDougal went on to explain that the Bush administration forced Saddam's execution as a way to undermine the Iraq exit strategy that he had been working on in secret and was waiting for the optimum moment to unveil on the campaign trail. This was news to me. McDougal never gave me any indication that he had spent even a nanosecond thinking about how he would handle the Iraq situation if elected. The following is an excerpt from his hour-long speech.

"Saddam was the only person who ever demonstrated the slightest ability to control the various factions in Iraq. Sure, his methods were inhumane... But opinion polls now show that the American people don't care what happens in Iraq. They just want our troops out. But leaving Iraq in chaos is no kind of solution.

I was prepared to offer America a real solution.

By restoring Saddam Hussein to power, I would have guaranteed the return of a crushed and defeated Iraq. The Iraq we knew and loved.

We had Saddam right where we wanted him. He was contained. Embargoed. And he scared the hell out of the Iranians, I'll tell you that much.

I miss Saddam dearly. He was everything you could want in an enemy. He was undeniably evil. But he was also comically inept. He was like a James Bond villain. Although he was constantly grasping for a weapon of world domination, you knew deep in your heart that he didn't have a snowball's chance of success.

Who among you, and be honest now, who among you was actually afraid of Saddam Hussein attacking the United States?

Having Saddam Hussein as a nemesis was like matching wits with a cartoon coyote."

At this point McDougal raised his right hand from behind the lectern to reveal a Saddam Hussein hand puppet.

"I know! I'll use my ACME SuperCannon to fire nuclear warheads at that infidel roadrunner!"

The speech continued on for another twenty minutes as a ventriloquist act, with the Saddam puppet quizzing McDougal on Mid-East politics.

The conclusion of McDougal's speech was greeted with stunned silence by the legions of Elvis fanatics. McDougal pumped both hands into the air, fingers in triumphant V's, in a Richard Nixon salute and marched off stage, grinning from ear to ear.

I don't think this will play well in the heartland.

Another message from M.E.A.T. Party Headquarters

It has been a big week here at the offices of the McDougal Presidential Campaign. I know we have caught a lot of flak from McDougal supporters about how disorganized the campaign has been. I want to assure you, as campaign manager, that we are slowly getting things back on track. I inherited this campaign in a severely disorganized state, and have lost a lot of sleep trying to correct the mistakes of my predecessor.

First off, I'd like to thank everyone who has been donating their time, money, drugs and weapons to the cause. There will be more updates on this at a later date.

Second, I want to keep you all informed of the direction this campaign will be taking. McDougal is, to put it mildly, an unconventional Presidential candidate. I think we can use this to our advantage, however. Obviously his legendary exploits will play well among young voters and the drug-legalization crowd. Winning over the more conservative voters will be more of a challenge. McDougal's love of weaponry of all varieties will play well with the NRA crowd, I think. We also plan on really playing up the War Hero angle. What other candidate can match McDougal's military record? He distinguished himself in combat in Cambodia, Laos, Grenada, Nicaragua, Libya, Panama, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq and in the Cola Wars. Hell, some people down south still refer to all varieties of soda as "Coke" because of McDougal's brainwashing techniques.

Finally, the most exciting news...

As you know, our biggest challenge here at the M.E.A.T. Party has been that McDougal himself has been completely unaware that he was actually in the running. Until today. At 2:14 AM, EST we received a phone call from McDougal himself. Apparently he learned that he is a Presidential candidate right here on this very blog. I would not describe the tone of the conversation as friendly by any means. McDougal's end consisted mostly of curses and very graphic threats of bodily harm. However, and this is very important, he did not indicate any actual unwillingness to run for President. We are taking this as an official announcement of his candidacy.

I HAVE RETURNED FROM EXILE

I need to clarify about 6 things. I have been blocked from all communication regarding a one Mr. Avery Chaz. McDougal for approximately 3 weeks. Someone else, who will not be named here, used the embedded Dell keystroke recorder in my Latitude 805 to get into and subsequently lock me out of this forum, wrote his or her own missives, and then sold used women's underwear using my eBay account. This is neither the time nor place for me to describe how I got my password back, nor how well his liver-skin warms my ankles.

For there is one thing and one thing only that is appropriate here, and that is the description and worship of our Lord and Saviour Franco McDougal.

How my mind churned and revolted at the inability to put down my history on that man! How I screamed through the night, hands bloodied from pounding my own meat for hours, then grilling the aforementioned steaks and sadly having dinner alone while locked out of blogspot.com until the 22 hour waiting period ended and I could try a new set of passcodes. The terrors and ignobility of these past weeks is nothing compared to the great strength of McDougal's words to me in my agony chamber.

"Flip the channel til you see skin or Iraq," the wise sage would say to me, making me realize the base instincts of Man and my comparatively shallow concerns.

"Buy me a goddamned pizza before I fuck your cat in the face," he would equivocate, riveting me back to my own body's desire for food, water, and basic cleansing.

"You mind if I call your sister up? Herpes is on and I can't fuck my usual," he opined, giving me insight into something I still haven't exactly nailed down in my mind.

How he bolstered me through these dark days, how I fell to his shoulder in tears more times than I can count, sopping his shirt in sadness and anger, needing his warm embrace as a young oversexed rutting hippo needs a speedball.

Now that I am back I will tell a few stories I remember about McDougal, the most amusing involving a pair of ben wah balls and Kevin Federline.