The McDougal Wiki Vol. 1

How to eat glass

1. Find a large piece of glass (e.g. Grape Nehi Bottle, glass eye from a gypsy, or a windshield off an '83 Buick Elektra)
2. Open your fucking mouth.
3. Insert glass object or bite down on larger piece (if primary glass piece is too large to be eaten in one bite).
4. Chew.
5. Chase with delicious beverage of your choice.
6. Use 100% cotton shop rags or terry cloth in lieu of toilet paper for 4 to 7 days.

First Bank of Tunisia

For a brief time in the late 80s*, McDougal worked as a teller at a small bank in Carthage.

He was quite the dapper don in his golden tophat and cummerbund -- the object of affection to many a young maiden.

Those of us who knew McDougal, knew also that this would never last.

A short 400 years later, the Romans came in and sacked the joint. Killed everyone. Even broke McDougal's solid gold tophat.

McDougal had grown quite fond of that hat over the centuries, and believed it to possess magical powers. Needless to say, he was none too happy when some Roman clod bashed it to bits while still perched smartly atop his oversized noggin.

McDougal vowed to get even, and he did ... sort of. It took him another 400 years (He used to be much slower and more methodical in his actions. That was before the pills, you understand.), but he finally pulled off his plan, launching what he called the "Imperial Crisis," but which is most commonly referred to today as the Crisis of the Third Century.

During the 50 years of McDougal's crusade, he unleashed three major crises (any one of which were a singular threat to the Empire) which all came together in a perfect storm: external invasions, internal civil wars and a runaway hyperinflation economy. The future viability of the Empire, by all reasonable standards, should have come to an end; thusly positioning McDougal as proper and right heir to the throne.

Sadly, however, McDougal's efforts were quashed by the measures of a series of tough soldier emperors and of the emperor Diocletian, who in 284 to split the empire in half. Other reforms allowed it to continue, eventually entering a new phase known as the "Dominate," the "Tetrarchy," and the "Later Roman Empire".**

McDougal was never bitter about his failed effort to destroy the mighty Roman Empire. In his eyes, restitution was paid for the loss of his magical golden tophat.

Up Next: Understanding the Magical Powers of McDougal's Golden Tophat: A Scientific Exploration of Mythology and Magic in the Byzantine Empire

~~~
* 580 BC's, that is.
** Wikipedia's rather bland account of the whole affair.

WWII: The Homefront.

WWII: The Homefront.
by Frances McDougal
as transcribed by his bitch

If there is one thing that can be said about Adolf Hitler, it is that he changed the face of fashion forever. The early 1930s Germany was a wasteland of post-Hapsburgian pomp and circumstance, a disaster in fashion terms. You could not walk into the Salzplatz without Baron Von Ribbentrop or some other asshole hitting you with his monacle.

But young Adolf changed all that. Born in Austrio-Hungary he, hey, where did that joint go? No, I want you to write that too. Write it. Now write that I said to write that. No I'm serious, write every word I say. Now I want you to draw a set of tits on the page. Right there. OK Good.

In America, people were watching the dawning of the Jazz Age unfold around them. Turn on Prison Break. Yes, it's on after Arrested Development. Write that down. It goes Arrested Development, then some bullshit show with that guy from Wedding Crashers, then Prison Break. Look, I'm pissing on your cat. Ha Ha. Write that down.

Now copy and paste some crap from Wikipedia. In the late 20th century coups occurred most commonly in developing countries, particularly in Latin America (e.g. Brazil, Chile, Bolivia, and Argentina), Africa and Asia (Pakistan), but also in the Pacific (Fiji) and in Europe (e.g. Greece, Portugal, Spain, and the Soviet Union). Since the 1980s, the coup has been seen somewhat less frequently. A significant reason is the general inability to resolve the economic and political problems of developing nations, which has made armed forces, particularly in Latin America, much more reluctant to intervene in politics. Hence, in contrast to past crises, the armed forces have sat on the sidelines through economic crises such as the Asian crisis in Thailand in 1998 or the Argentine crisis of 2002 and have tended to act only when the military perceives itself as institutionally threatened by the civilian government, as occurred in Pakistan in 1999.

When is that bitch going to give me my $10k? And do I get to see her do her teacher? That was part of the deal right? OK, good. Let's go get some pizza. Write down everything I just said. Write that down too, the part where I said to write it down. Now draw a house with a giant can of beans in it. Put a window in the can of beans. Cool.