Campaign Manager's Journal

After 16 days at sea we finally washed ashore in Florida. The Coast Guard was extremely confused to encounter a rickety boat filled with white people, American citizens no less, so they detained us for a week before deciding that there was nothing they could charge us with. When I got back home, all I wanted was a long shower, a shave and several days sleep in my nice comfortable bed. Instead, I was met with an answering machine full of messages from McDougal, asking me what the hell was taking me so long to get to Memphis. The last few messages, before the tape ran out, contained many threats of violence if I did not arrive in Memphis in time for Elvis's birthday celebration. I took a quick shower, shaved and began packing my bags. I could sleep in the plane.

Given their similar taste in every possible excess, it should be no surprise to the readers of this weblog that McDougal and The King were great friends back in the '70s. But even I was surprised to learn that McDougal had been invited to be a keynote speaker at the Elvis's birthday celebration taking place at Graceland. I hurriedly arranged for banners and campaign literature to be sent by express courier. This would be our greatest opportunity yet to reach the masses with a McDougal campaign appearance. The inflatable gorilla would have been a great attention-getter for the NASCAR set, but getting it to Memphis in time would have been a logistical impossibility. And besides, I doubt the management of Graceland would have allowed it anywhere near the grounds.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when, finally getting his turn at the lectern, McDougal launched into a eulogy for Saddam Hussein. He did not mention Elvis once in his speech.

McDougal went on to explain that the Bush administration forced Saddam's execution as a way to undermine the Iraq exit strategy that he had been working on in secret and was waiting for the optimum moment to unveil on the campaign trail. This was news to me. McDougal never gave me any indication that he had spent even a nanosecond thinking about how he would handle the Iraq situation if elected. The following is an excerpt from his hour-long speech.

"Saddam was the only person who ever demonstrated the slightest ability to control the various factions in Iraq. Sure, his methods were inhumane... But opinion polls now show that the American people don't care what happens in Iraq. They just want our troops out. But leaving Iraq in chaos is no kind of solution.

I was prepared to offer America a real solution.

By restoring Saddam Hussein to power, I would have guaranteed the return of a crushed and defeated Iraq. The Iraq we knew and loved.

We had Saddam right where we wanted him. He was contained. Embargoed. And he scared the hell out of the Iranians, I'll tell you that much.

I miss Saddam dearly. He was everything you could want in an enemy. He was undeniably evil. But he was also comically inept. He was like a James Bond villain. Although he was constantly grasping for a weapon of world domination, you knew deep in your heart that he didn't have a snowball's chance of success.

Who among you, and be honest now, who among you was actually afraid of Saddam Hussein attacking the United States?

Having Saddam Hussein as a nemesis was like matching wits with a cartoon coyote."

At this point McDougal raised his right hand from behind the lectern to reveal a Saddam Hussein hand puppet.

"I know! I'll use my ACME SuperCannon to fire nuclear warheads at that infidel roadrunner!"

The speech continued on for another twenty minutes as a ventriloquist act, with the Saddam puppet quizzing McDougal on Mid-East politics.

The conclusion of McDougal's speech was greeted with stunned silence by the legions of Elvis fanatics. McDougal pumped both hands into the air, fingers in triumphant V's, in a Richard Nixon salute and marched off stage, grinning from ear to ear.

I don't think this will play well in the heartland.