Behind the Scenes Week - Bonus Sunday Edition!

Hello from the Writers Room!

We have been informed by the Legal Department that we have to do one more Behind the Scenes Week post. The original week contained six days of posts, which we thought was plenty. But the douchebag lawyers are mad because we made them do one of the days. They threatened to contact our union about it, because apparently that is some sort of violation to have non-union writers fill in. They said it has to be a Sunday post, since there was no Sunday post (softball league) in the original week. We tried to argue that it would be a violation of our Constitutional rights, because our religion views Sunday as a day of rest. The lawyers sent back an email that said, "Then we'll see you in hell." Apparently, since we had posted on Sundays in the past, it set a precedent that a "week" for this weblog includes all seven days. So it was either do a Sunday post, or get fired.

They can make us post another day, but they can't make us work weekends. Fuck that.

This is the Sunday post. We are requesting that nobody reads this until Sunday. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of the reading public, if they choose to read this post a few days early.

There, that should cover our asses...

Now, on to the letters.

Our first letter is another incoherent rant from Josh Williams:

I do not question Mr McDougals quality's as a man and human being to be
worthy of the office "President of The United States of
America" however I do wonder if his past may haunt him and his many enemas
who will surely betray him. Does "Friends of" and his worker bee's realize that
McDougal has so many enemas?

What the fuck? OK, I think I can make a tiny bit of sense from that poorly written bullshit... McDougal has no concern whatsoever about those who consider themselves his enemies. He has crushed out the souls of better men than them, 100 times over. Don't believe me? Consider this... In December of 2001, Saddam Hussein borrowed McDougal's "Caligula" DVD. He was supposed to return it before Valentine's Day, but he never did. Look where Saddam is now.

Our next letter comes from Carl Spackler, who asks:

has mcdougal ever been married...is he divorced...does he have kids?

McDougal has been married dozens of times. We've written about a few of them here. If you click on the "marriage" tag at the bottom of this post, you will be able to read about a few of his marriages. McDougal has never been divorced, but he has been widowed many times. His brides have a habit of dying under mysterious circumstances. McDougal has somewhere in the neighborhood of 938 children. Most are illegitimate, born to prostitutes and other loose women. McDougal is incredibly fertile. There are several medically verified instances where McDougal has walked past an ovulating woman during a strong windstorm and accidentally impregnated her.

The next one comes from Damnsle, who writes:

Tu me dis qu’elle est melo, ou tu me dis qu’elle aimait l’eau?

Um... Punt?

Our final letter is a late entry from Sombrero11, who writes:

I often suffer from crippling writer's block. How is it that you are so prolific?

Well, Mr. Eleven, we have a whole writing staff here at FriendsOfMcDougal. Most of the time, if one of the writers is blocked up, the other writers can pick up the slack. However, occasionally all of the writers will be hit with simultaneous cases of writer's block. When this happens, we will just throw in some filler, like a funny picture or a couple of reader-submitted letters. Sometimes a writer will hit on an idea that seems promising, but they can't quite make it work. Most of the time, they will just pass the idea on to another writer and let them finish it. But every so often someone comes up with an idea that no one can make work. Here is an unfinished and unedited draft of one such story:

I am a Friends of McDougal from the Mycenaean Era.
He went by a different
name then. Your history books call him "Agamemnon."
I was sadly killed,
however, when Agamemnon (McDougal) incurred the wrath of Artemis (the goddess,
not Artemis Gordon from Wild Wild West). Fortunately, I was washed overboard in
port as McDougal's fleet prepared to sail for Troy, and never received a proper
burial.
Imagine my surprise, when I was revived eleven months ago by none
other than AgaMcDougalnon at a truck stop outside of Dubuque, Iowa. Aside from a
terrible headache and the predictable problems associated with my 3,600-year-old
military attire. The headache was fortunately a result of a hefty dose of crank
McDougal had served up as a revival peptide. And the fashion situation was
remedied by a quick stop at a Bass Pro Shop.
It would seem that the world
has changed considerably more than McDougal initially let on in the past four
millennia. While McDougalmemnon tried to keep me shielded from the trappings of
modern society, I have recently been granted my freedom and have discovered ...

We really tried to make this one work, but no one could do a damn thing with it. It makes a good chunk of filler though, doesn't it? I hope this helps you.

Well, that's it for Behind the Scenes Week. Stay tuned for more info on the Official McDougal Presidential Campaign Internship Contest!

We hope you have all enjoyed Behind the Scenes Week!

As promised, the Friends of McDougal Behind the Scenes week is being capped off with a Special Announcement! In a few weeks we will be giving one lucky reader the chance to...

WIN AN INTERNSHIP WITH MCDOUGAL!

The winner will be appointed to an unpaid internship with the McDougal Presidential Campaign! They will do valuable work for the campaign, shaking hands, kissing babies and bribing local officials! The winner will attend several campaign appearances and even have the opportunity for McDougal himself to make a campaign appearance in their own home town! Your friends will be surprised and your enemies dismayed when they see what a big shot you have become, hobknobbing with important National Political Figures! Best of all, the winner will have the pleasure of seeing photographs of themselves in the commission of their Important Campaign Duties posted on this very internet web page! Contest rules and dates will be announced as we make them up, so stay tuned to this weblog, your official home for the McDougal Campaign Internship Contest 2007!


Void where prohibited. All internships are unpaid. Winners will provide for their own travel expenses, food and lodging. Contest ends when we say it ends. The terms used in selection of the winner will be completely arbitrary, and subject entirely to the whims of the authors of this weblog. Friends of McDougal takes no responsibility for any injury, dismemberment, death, mental or physical handicap, alcohol or drug dependence or any other ill effects experienced as a result of service in the McDougal Presidential Campaign.

From the Legal Department

After a week of intense searching, we here at the legal department have been unable to locate a loophole that will allow us to avoid participating in this Behind the Scenes Week. It appears that we are contractually obligated to contribute one day's worth of content, including, but not limited to, the answering of questions from readers. That said, after careful reading of the Behind the Scenes clause in our contract, we have determined that although they can require us to post on the blog today, they cannot make lawyers be funny.

First a quick word about our duties here in the legal department. Our most important duty is to prevent McDougal from being imprisoned as a result of his behavior. This takes up 75% of our time. For legal reasons, we cannot go into details about how we accomplish this. An additional 20% of our time is spent fending off lawsuits from various parties who have become injured in some fashion as a result of McDougal's everyday activities. This can be accomplished much more easily than dealing with the criminal courts because nearly all of these suits can be resolved by a generous cash settlement. The remaining 5% of our time is spent reviewing this weblog for possibly libelous content. In order to educate the public, we will be using a few reader-submitted questions as examples of the type of libelous content that our screening process removes from this blog on a weekly basis. All libelous content contained in these letters is solely the opinion of the authors of these questions, and does not reflect the views of Friends of McDougal or any of its parent or subsidiary companies.

Our first example comes from Carl Spackler, who writes:

does mcdougal know where osama bin laden is hiding?

McDougal's legal department objects to the use of the word "hiding" as it suggests that Osama bin Laden is a sissy and a coward. McDougal wishes it to be known that this objection is not meant to be an indication of support for Mr. bin Laden, nor an approval of his actions. McDougal denies any knowledge of the current location or activities of Osama bin Laden. Any resemblance between Osama bin Laden and the night manager of the East St. Louis location of the DoogMart chain of convenience stores is purely coincidental.

Our next example comes from Damnsle, who writes:

How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

While this is not an example of libelous content, it does present a possible copyright issue, as "Tootsie Pop" is a registered trademark of Tootsie Roll Industries. Its inclusion here is not to be meant as an endorsement by McDougal of the aforementioned product. McDougal does not promote the use of candy on sticks, as the sticks may present a safety hazard. Where eye protection at all times. McDougal does not recommend that candy of any kind be fed to tortoises or owls, and is not responsible for any injury or death that may occur as a result.

The best example of libelous content we received comes to us from Josh Williams, who writes:

Is it true that McDougal caught Mick Jagger and David Bowie in bed together, offer not to drown them in the semen pumped from Rod Stewarts stomach? All for a cut of the profits, a handsome cut my people tell me.

McDougal denies ever taking part in any schemes involving the withholding of damaging information in exchange for money, persons or property. McDougal denies all knowledge of homosexual activities involving any and all prominent British rock stars, with the exception of Elton John. All references, by McDougal, to Rod Stewart which included the phrase "cum guzzling" were taken out of context and were meant in no way to suggest that Mr. Stewart has engaged in any type of homosexual activity.

There's nothing funny about poor financial planning.

Greetings from FoMcDCorp's Finance Sector. Our job is to manage the millions of dollars that roll through the McDougal empire on a daily basis. Things like campaign donations, revenue from selling clothing and trinkets on Cafepress, gambling winnings and earnings from various black market enterprises. These funds are then dispersed into Swiss accounts, Cayman Islands holding companies and low budget independent films.

Early this morning one of those monkeys from Fact Checking tossed a rock through our window, around which several letters were duct taped. I can only assume that we are to answer these letters as part of this ridiculous "Behind the Scenes Week" that the writers dreamed up. Very well...

First up, our daily question from Josh Williams:

Does McDougal pay himself as a body guard for himself and if so what tax form is required for hiring yourself to protect ...yourself.

McDougal does not pay himself to act as his own bodyguard. He does this work pro bono, just for the sheer joy of beating the ever-living piss out of anyone who makes a misguided attempt at threatening him. Since this takes time out of his busy schedule, and is actually also a service to the community, we closely record this time as charity work so it can be used as a tax deduction.

Next is a letter from Carl Spackler, who writes:

if mcdougal were given $1 million what would he do with it?

He would probably wipe his ass with it Carl. He loses that kind of money in the crack of his sofa. McDougal is worth in excess of $163 Billion Mr. Spackler. Do you have any idea how much money that is? It's enough that he could make your family an offer so big they would sell you to him without a second thought, and still leave him more than enough to purchase an island in the Seychelles and fly you there on a chartered space shuttle so that he could hunt you for sport.

Actually, I don't think he would really wipe his ass with it. I bet he would spend it on drugs.

Ah, what the hell, let's answer another question from Josh Williams... He seems to have a genuine interest in the world of finance:

How does McDougal Launder his cash income?

He used to use a complicated network of shell corporations and third world banks, but after September 11th any cash that flows into the U.S. through third world banks is more likely to draw the attention of the Department of Homeland Security. Fortunately, money laundering has been made much easier now that he is running for President. Now, once the money has been transferred to a shell corporation, this corporation can then make an extremely generous "campaign contribution" to McDougal. Politicians have done everything they can to make it look like campaign finance is open to public scrutiny, while making sure as much as possible stays hidden, so this type of thing is able to slip by largely unnoticed.

Our next letter is from Ibrahim Alpher, of Ouagoudougou, Burkina Faso:

FROM THE DESK OF:MR IBRAHIM ALPHER
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
HEADQUARTERS
OUAGOUDOUGOU BURKINA FASO
WEST AFRICA

Dear client,

I am MR MR IBRAHIM ALPHER, credit officer of African Development Bank. I
have an
urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

In June, 2000, a German property consultant and importer of used cars ,Mr
Andreas Schranner made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$30,000,000.00(Thirty Million United States Dollars
only) in my branch. It was to our utter suprise that we heard of his death,
wife and children in an AF4590 plane crash in July 2000. See website below:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm


On further investigation,I found out that he died without making a WILL, and
hitherto, all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. Mr Andreas
Schranner was residing at No 1 Rue de Avenida, G.R.A.
ouagoudougou, burkina faso.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr Andreas
Schranner did not declare any kin or relations in all his official
documents, including his
Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$35,000,000.00 is still
sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal
sum at the end of each year. No one will
ever come forward to claim it. According to Laws of burkina faso, at the
expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will be declared frozen and
forfeited to the burkina faso Government if nobody applies to claim the
fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in
as the next of kin or business partner to Mr Andreas Schranner so that the
fruits of this old man's labor will not get into
the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I will like
you to provide immediately your full names and address,phone and fax numbers
so that
the i can prepare the necessary documents that will put you in place as
the next of kin or business partner.Your role in the transaction is to send
an application for claim of the funds to our bank. Then, as top officials of
the bank, I shall work behind-the-scene to make sure that your application
is approved by the management of the bank, and the funds transfered to your
nominated bank account.

Please note that there is no iota of risks at all as all the paperwork for
this transaction will be done legitimately and with my positions as top
officials of the bank i would ensure a successful execution of this
transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately to my email
box.

Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy
communication.

You should observe utmost CONFIDENTIALITY AND SECRECY in this transaction,
and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of
us because I will require your assistance to invest my share in your
country.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Thanks and regards.

MR IBRAHIM ALPHER

Mr. Alpher,

We have sent you the telephone and fax numbers you requested, as well as the credit card, social security and passport numbers of everyone here in the Finance Section. Hopefully the money transfer of $3,500,000 (10% of the total, as requested) from FoMcDCorp will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. I look forward to receiving the $35 million.

It's a fact!

Perhaps you have read something on this page and said to yourself, "that can't possibly be true." Well, it probably was, and we are the reason why.

FoMcD employs a large staff of fact checkers, who are constantly on call to answer any questions the writers might have, to review any questionable information before it is published and to help McDougal settle bar bets.

We take our work very seriously and take great pride in maintaining only the strictest level of accuracy in all things.

Actually, in the interest of strict accuracy, I will admit, that we occasionally fudge the details on the rare instances that McDougal stops by the office personally to settle a bet. When he calls in on his cell phone and we have to give him the bad news that, for example, he was mistaken about the number of times the word "fuck" was used in The Big Lebowski, by the time he makes it over here to "rip off (my) dick and fuck (me) in the ear with it" his rage has usually subsided because he forgot why he was coming here. But if he stops by in person... Well, I have no desire to have my earhole fucked, much less with my own penis. So I think these rare lapses in truthfulness can be forgiven.

Here's a fact for you: Yesterday the entire mailroom staff was fired.

Here's another fact: The editorial staff is still in no condition to answer your letters.

So, we have been placed in charge of answering the questions submitted by our readers over the past few weeks. Tomorrow we will be looking for someone to stick with this duty, so you at least have that to look forward to.

Our first question is yet another from the massive assault on our mailroom being perpetrated by one Josh Williams:

Is it true the McDougal campaign eco friendly bio diesel bus has been modified to run on non registered voters?

It is true that McDougal has been actively courting the environmental vote, of that there is no doubt. However, I want you to really think about the question you are asking. Does that make any sense from a political standpoint? Non-registered voters pose no threat to McDougal. In fact they may even be turned to his worldview and properly registered, to his advantage. McDougal's bus runs on a blend of biodiesel brewed from the fats and oils gained from the boiling of the corpses of registered Democrats and Republicans.

Hypersonic writes:

Is it true that Macdougal had a homosexual relationship with Fidel Castro before the start of the Cuban Revolution?

First of all, it is McDougal, not MacDougal. McDougal is of Irish heritage, not of Scottish heritage, as is suggested by the prefix "Mac". This explains all the drinking and fighting.

Although McDougal has demonstrated a penchant for sodomy, he does not consider himself to be a homosexual. The best comparison that can be made for McDougal's opinion on this matter is with the activities of prison inmates. Prisoners regularly engage in anal intercourse, however very few of them view themselves as being gay. This is particularly true of the person making the "delivery", if you will. Doubly so if the recipient is not a willing participant. This activity is undertaken as an act of violence and a means demonstrating their complete power over the victim. It is commonly referred to as "making them your bitch."

With this view in mind, it is crucial to note the timing of the act in question. This did not occur prior to the Cuban Revolution, as you have indicated in your letter. Rather, the act took place several years after. At the time, McDougal was in the employ of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. He had been working in Cuba since the early days of the revolution, and had gained the complete trust of the new communist government. Once he had gathered all the information he thought necessary, and had made arrangements for his escape, McDougal felt compelled to locate Castro and demonstrate to him the awesome power of the United States Government.

Fidel Castro was not the lone recipient. McDougal also taught "lessons" to Raul Castro and Che Guevara. It was a lesson they would not soon forget. Particularly Fidel. Raul and Che managed to escape relatively unscathed, but Fidel was left with a virulent case of gonorrhea. Back at CIA headquarters, McDougal's humiliating one-man assault on the Cuban leadership quickly made him a legend. However, because of the nature of his actions, they were always alluded to using euphemisms in those conservative times. It was one of these, which referred to the passage of that particular infection, that somehow escaped the walls of CIA headquarters and is still repeated to this day, with no knowledge of its true meaning. Think about that next time someone tells you that the CIA "tried to kill Castro with a poison cigar."

Howdy from the mailroom!

A few weeks ago the writers of this blog asked you, the readers, to submit questions that would be answered in this, our first ever Behind the Scenes Week. Since then we have received, literally, several questions, most of which have little or nothing to do with what goes on in the daily operations of the McDougal empire.

Since we here in the mailroom have nothing better to do besides thumb through McDougal's issues of Hustler Magazine and fashion crude hockey pucks out of wads of junk mail and duct tape, the writing staff has asked us to answer a few letters. Actually, they asked the editorial staff. But the editorial staff, apparently, thinks it is more important to do things like pass out in the elevator or spend the day in the hospital getting their stomach pumped because they tried to kill themselves by drinking a gallon of eggnog from 1998 or get arrested trying to get through customs in Miami with 17 pygmy marmosets taped to their thighs. But if anyone asks we're supposed to say they had to take the day off for a family emergency. Fuck them. If there are no editors, who the hell is supposed to stop us from printing that? It says a lot about an organization when its smartest employees are the wage slaves in the mailroom.

Oh, and for the record, we would probably be the Blogger league softball champions, but the mailroom staff refuses to be on the team with those other douchebags.

Here are the fucking letters.

The first one comes from Damnsle, who writes:

Recently I tripped over a fallen branch from a pine tree that was part of a blow down from a wind storm. Why?

The short answer is that you are going through your life not paying any attention to anything. The tiniest amount of awareness of your surroundings at any given moment will prevent this sort of thing from happening. Your inattention will someday kill you. Hopefully you do not take dozens of innocent people with you.

The long answer is that several years before your trip over the branch, a small butterfly somewhere deep in the Amazon flapped its wings a single time. This tiny puff of air rode the currents of Earth's atmosphere, combining with other puffs of wind, eventually growing into a gale capable of shattering the branches of all but the mightiest of trees. The particular branch this gale was fated to break happened to rest above a sidewalk. The timing of the branch breaking also just happened to coincide with the passage of a Hollywood casting agent, who received a very minor injury to his brain as a result. This explains the career of Ashton Kutcher.

More important, from a personal standpoint, is the question I have... Why did you not include a naked picture of yourself with your letter? McDougal receives lots of fan mail from men, but letters from women are few and far between. The letters from men often include photos, seldom clothed. Just once I'd like to open up a letter and find a picture of a beautiful woman in the nude. Your envelope smelled faintly of perfume. I keep it under my pillow while I sleep.

Speaking of obsessive male fans, our next question is from Josh Williams. You might have noticed that we answered one of his questions yesterday. This freak sends in so many questions that we could have a "Behind the Scenes Year" and still not answer them all.

As a child upon my beloved Grandfathers orders I sprayed DDT on a fishing pond to kill the mosquito fern (that's what they called it) so far as I can tell I am an endangered species who could die within this century, quite possibly from my contact with DDT, what will McDougal do for my cause?

Actually, maybe that explains the career of Ashton Kutcher. You don't happen to work in Hollywood, do you Williams?

I asked McDougal's campaign manager about this. He seemed to think that DDT had been banned sometime in the 1970s, but he might still be able to track down a barrel or two in storage somewhere. He says in the mean time, the canned aerosol roach spray that is available in any hardware store packs a similar kick, so you might try huffing that to get your buzz.

A message from the Editor's desk.

Greetings faithful readers, and welcome to the first ever Freinds of McDougal Behind the Scenes Week!

Sorry it's a bit late, first of all. We had every intention of starting Behind the Scenes Week yestereday morining, but in hindsight this was an unrealistic goal. Sunday mornings are reservered for hangovers. Everybody knows that. The revised goal of Sunday afternoon was also unrealistic, as sunday afternoons are reserved for league softball. (We played the writing staff from that "Lonelygirl" blog yesterday. It was a squeaker, we ended up losing 9-8, which drops us below .500 and pretty much destroys all hope of capturing a wild card spot) Afterwards we were really in no condition to write a blog entry, which is perfectly understandable for anyone who has ever played league softball. I mean, what would softball be without beer and peyote, right? I had high hopes for sunday night, since there would be no football this week. But sports betting is a longstanding tradition here at the office and McDougal wanted to use the off weekend to work everyone up to a pre-superbowl frenzy by staging, right in the office, a cockfight between roosters named "Bear" and "Colt." For the record, Colt won, but lost his left eye in the process. Place your Superbowl bets acccordingly.

Anyway, here it is, Monday night, and we realized that we should either delay the start of Behind the Scenes Week, or someone had better write something. Personally, I was in favor of another delay, but the guys in the mailroom are sick of answering angry letters from someone named "Carl Spackler." There are more employees in the mailroom than on the editorial staff, so they managed to carry the vote. McDougal abstained, which is to say he is still passed out, and the writing staff has used "Behind the Scenes Week as an excuse to take a week's vacation. I think that's bullshit, by the way. Ever since they added the screenwriting division they;ve been taking more and more time off. Everyone else had to work over the holidays, but they all skated out somehow, which was a bit hit to the quality of this blog in my opinion. Last year's Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's segments were some of our most popular ever, but this year the website sat idle for all three. Not a peep from management about it either. Too busy getting sucked off by the writing staff I guess...

Oh, I guess I'm supposed to answer some letters too. OK, our first letter comes from alert reader Josh Williams, of Indianapolis, India.

Josh writes:

When McDougal bitch slaps you and humiliates you in front of your friends for doing or not doing your job do you pray to God that you are fortunate enough to have a job in retail?

Retail? Josh, I am an editor, with twelve years of experience. I do not work in retail. OK, yes.. I do also maintain the website that sells Starbox Productions t-shirts and McDougal trinkets, but I don't consider myself to be a "retail worker." I have a master's degree. As for the beatings at the hands of McDougal, they are frequent and severe. During them I often pray to God, Josh, but mostly I pray that the beating will end. Failing that, I pray that I will black out before the sodomy begins.

Our next question comes from the aforementioneed Carl "Hot Carl" Spackler*:

which does mcdougal prefer...coke or pepsi?

Coke, Carl. Kilos and kilos of coke. Without McDougal the economy of Columbia wouulld collapse overnight. McDougal does like Pepsi too, though. Sometimes he wil mix the two. He will mix them into an enema, for quicker absorbtion, which I will then be forced to inject into his anus. He says the bubbles tickle. The whole time he giggles and kicks his feet. It can be quite dangerous. I've had my jaw broken before.

Well, that's all we have time for today.** Join us again tomorrow when we will be answering more reader questions on Friends of McDougal: Behind the Scenes Week!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* As far as I know Carl Spackler does not go by the nickname "Hot Carl," however, as this is a popular internet nickname for anyone named Carl, I have included it here. This is what editors do.

** This is a baldfaced lie. I have all the time in the world. Truthfully, when I started writing this I was still a little drunk form last night. But as time wore on, my buzz wore off and now I can feel the iron grip of a massive hangover imbeding its jagged fingernails into my skull. My left eye is twitching. I have nothing but contempt for you all.

Gameplan 2007

Ok, listen up.

Big things are afoot here at Friends of McDougal, but we need your help. To fully unlock the awesome potential of McDougal we are going to need a little audience participation. A lot of you say you are Friends of McDougal, but do you really mean it? Are you prepared to let McDougal into your home and/or workplace? Are you willing to help McDougal score some meth? Will you let him cook his own meth in your bathtub? Are you going to allow McDougal to fuck your sister? Will you take video so we can post it on YouTube?

If you answered no to any of these questions, well then you are not truly a Friend of McDougal.

For the True Believers, mission one starts now.

In January we are going to be having a Friends of McDougal "Behind the Scenes Week." Friends of McDougal is a large, complicated, cumbersome operation. We want to introduce you to all the little cogs in our corporate machine. We want to show you the assembly line where these very words were bolted together. We want you to meet the white laboratory rabbits on which we test our jokes. But we do not want to bore you. So in the interest of entertainment, we will only be revealing the segments of our operation that you shiny-eyed readers are interested in hearing about. All you have to do is email your questions to friendsofmcdougal@gmail.com

This is easy. You can do this.

Your second mission will be more difficult. The mechanics of this will be revealed soon, but I will tell you this much: It will be in the form of a contest, and the victor will be rewarded.