Howdy from the mailroom!

A few weeks ago the writers of this blog asked you, the readers, to submit questions that would be answered in this, our first ever Behind the Scenes Week. Since then we have received, literally, several questions, most of which have little or nothing to do with what goes on in the daily operations of the McDougal empire.

Since we here in the mailroom have nothing better to do besides thumb through McDougal's issues of Hustler Magazine and fashion crude hockey pucks out of wads of junk mail and duct tape, the writing staff has asked us to answer a few letters. Actually, they asked the editorial staff. But the editorial staff, apparently, thinks it is more important to do things like pass out in the elevator or spend the day in the hospital getting their stomach pumped because they tried to kill themselves by drinking a gallon of eggnog from 1998 or get arrested trying to get through customs in Miami with 17 pygmy marmosets taped to their thighs. But if anyone asks we're supposed to say they had to take the day off for a family emergency. Fuck them. If there are no editors, who the hell is supposed to stop us from printing that? It says a lot about an organization when its smartest employees are the wage slaves in the mailroom.

Oh, and for the record, we would probably be the Blogger league softball champions, but the mailroom staff refuses to be on the team with those other douchebags.

Here are the fucking letters.

The first one comes from Damnsle, who writes:

Recently I tripped over a fallen branch from a pine tree that was part of a blow down from a wind storm. Why?

The short answer is that you are going through your life not paying any attention to anything. The tiniest amount of awareness of your surroundings at any given moment will prevent this sort of thing from happening. Your inattention will someday kill you. Hopefully you do not take dozens of innocent people with you.

The long answer is that several years before your trip over the branch, a small butterfly somewhere deep in the Amazon flapped its wings a single time. This tiny puff of air rode the currents of Earth's atmosphere, combining with other puffs of wind, eventually growing into a gale capable of shattering the branches of all but the mightiest of trees. The particular branch this gale was fated to break happened to rest above a sidewalk. The timing of the branch breaking also just happened to coincide with the passage of a Hollywood casting agent, who received a very minor injury to his brain as a result. This explains the career of Ashton Kutcher.

More important, from a personal standpoint, is the question I have... Why did you not include a naked picture of yourself with your letter? McDougal receives lots of fan mail from men, but letters from women are few and far between. The letters from men often include photos, seldom clothed. Just once I'd like to open up a letter and find a picture of a beautiful woman in the nude. Your envelope smelled faintly of perfume. I keep it under my pillow while I sleep.

Speaking of obsessive male fans, our next question is from Josh Williams. You might have noticed that we answered one of his questions yesterday. This freak sends in so many questions that we could have a "Behind the Scenes Year" and still not answer them all.

As a child upon my beloved Grandfathers orders I sprayed DDT on a fishing pond to kill the mosquito fern (that's what they called it) so far as I can tell I am an endangered species who could die within this century, quite possibly from my contact with DDT, what will McDougal do for my cause?

Actually, maybe that explains the career of Ashton Kutcher. You don't happen to work in Hollywood, do you Williams?

I asked McDougal's campaign manager about this. He seemed to think that DDT had been banned sometime in the 1970s, but he might still be able to track down a barrel or two in storage somewhere. He says in the mean time, the canned aerosol roach spray that is available in any hardware store packs a similar kick, so you might try huffing that to get your buzz.

McDougal's Mailbag 3

While McDougal is on the road for his big presidential campaign tour, I have once again been assigned to sort his mail. Mostly he just gets shampoo samples and Fredericks of Hollywood catalogs, but there were a few items that I think might be of interest to you readers. Most interesting, of course, was a large manilla envelope containing photographs of a certain head of state having sexual intercourse with a chicken. I would love to share them with you, but McDougal left very specific instructions that I should not show them to anyone and take them immediately to a fireproof vault in a secret location, where they now rest. I can tell you a few things. 1. Based on the writing on some signs in the background I believe that the photos were taken somewhere in Thailand. 2. The pictures are probably about ten years old, but the person in them would still be instantly recognizable to anyone in the world who reads a newspaper at least once a week. 3. This head of state is probably going to send agents from his country's security apparatus to assassinate McDougal. 4. These agents will fail like so many others have in the past.

Here are a few letters:

Mr. McDougal,

The position of Pope is occupied for the foreseeable future. The tone of your most recent letter seemed vaguely threatening. We sincerely hope that this was an error in your usage of Latin, however we wish you to know that we have increased security in the Vatican in the event that the threat was deliberate. Ordinarily we would do everything in our power to encourage someone who has taken an interest in the Catholic Church. In your case, however, we would ask that you discontinue all correspondence. The Catholic Church is not for you.

Cardinal XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Vatican



Dear Mister Mcdoogle,

My name is XXXXXX. I am 8. You came to my town and gave a speech. It was at the parking lot at the bowling aley. I liked the part where you talked about the robots. The kids at my school are mean to me sometimes. I sent letters to Santa Claus and God asking them to make the other kids be nicer but they are still mean. Please send a robot to my school to kill the mean kids. Send two robots if you can. It is a big school.

Love,
XXXXXXXXX

P.S. I thought your gorilla was really cool.



McDougal, My Friend,

May Allah's blessings be upon you. Thank you for the timely delivery of the Narcobovinedefraculator. It has been a great help to us. The United Nations are now shitting themselves with terror. God is great!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Islamic Republic of Iran


Mr. McDougal,

Unfortunately, your appeal to have your lifetime ban from the City of New Orleans lifted has been denied. Your Godzilla-like rampage (Mayor Nagin's words, not my own) has not been forgotten. I would suggest you make alternate plans for this year's Mardi Gras celebration.

Sincerely,
Issac Panzer
The Law Firm of Claymore, Panzer, Bastille & Cungfu

McDougal's Mailbag 2

Well, since I had to scrap yesterday's planned April Fool's Day story (McDougal drowns in Fluffalo hunting accident!) at the last minute, the post I had originally planned for today (April Fools!) wouldn't have made a bit of sense, so I had to throw that one out too, leaving me with nothing to write about. I am, however, still getting McDougal's mail. Two more bags of it arrived this week. A package in one of the bags exploded, destroying all of the mail and part of my foyer, but I still have a whole bag of mail to work with. Well, most of it anyway. McDougal stopped by and picked up the Asian porn and Highlights magazines. Apparently he is keeping close tabs on someone named "Goofus." When I told McDougal about the bomb in his mail (he didn't even ask why the front of my house was missing) he looked dismayed and said "Hmmm... One of them must have gotten sent back. I thought I used enough postage." As scary as the thought of McDougal mailing out bombs is, I was much more horrified to discover an autographed picture of the band 98 Degrees included with this weeks mail. I've included a scan of the photo here, as it might be of interest to McDougal's fans, as well as any fans of 98 Degrees who might also read this blog. Apparently McDougal is a collector of celebrity autographs, which I didn't know.

Mr. McDougal,

We recently received your many, many letters requesting signed photographs. Mr. Knotts always loved hearing from fans. Regretfully, as you may have heard, he recent death makes it impossible for us to grant your request.

XXXXXXXX
Executor, the estate of Don Knotts


Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your interest in the Catholic Church. We are not planning any Inquisitions at this time. Hopefully this does not dampen your enthusiasm for converting to Catholicism.

Yours in Christ,
Cardinal XXXXXXXX
The Vatican


Mr. McDougal,

Our maintenance crew discovered your car on the roof of our building yesterday. We need you to move it so we can access one of the air conditioning units.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX
Facilities Manager,
Sears Tower, Chicago, IL


Mr. McDougal

We have completed cleanup of the former site of your NARCOBOVINEDEFRACULATOR. The costs of soil removal and construction of the concrete and lead cap which now covers the crater, as well as the wages of the soldiers from the Montana National Guard who are currently maintaining the Exclusion Zone will be added to the fines outlined in our previous letter.

XXXXXXXXX
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission


Mr. McDougal,

Please stop sending letters. You are just going to have to face the fact that Mr. Ebsen died over two years ago and you will be receiving no autographed photos. No amount of threats will bring Mr. Ebsen back from the grave.

XXXXXXXXX
The Buddy Ebsen estate


Herr McDougal,

Please return the Ark of the Covenant to us. We know that you are not using it. It just sits in that warehouse collecting dust.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Government of Germany

I know he's serious...

This morning the following notice was stapled to my forehead:

And don't even think about doing some lameass April

Fool's Day prank, at my expense, on your God damn

weblog you cocksucking son of a whore. I'll skin you

alive and make you wear your own nutsack like a

yarmulke. Then I will eat your children.

-"Your Friend" McDougal

(As dictated to Red Cross volunteer Anne Marie)

I think he's serious...

This morning the following notice was nailed to every door in my neighborhood:

PROCLAMATION

From this day forward, anyone caught using

the term "CHILLAX," a compound form of

the words "chill" and "relax," will be executed

publicly, by firing squad.

-McDougal

McDougal's Mailbag

Apparently, while he was out of town hunting leprechauns, McDougal had his mail forwarded to Friends of McDougal Headquarters. I'm not sure what, exactly, this accomplished because we were all out hunting leprechauns with him, but I gave up long ago trying to understand the workings of the mind of McDougal. I called him yesterday afternoon to ask if he wanted the mail dropped off at the gates of his compound.

"You filthy rat-bastard!" I had to hold the phone several feet away from my head, McDougal was yelling so loud. "If you get anywhere new me with that garbage I'll flay you alive!"

I decided to take a look through the mountain of mail, hoping to find something that I might be able to share on this blog. The bag was mostly filled with magazines (the most deviant Japanese pornography, back issues of Soldier of Fortune, Highlights) and sample packets of prescription medications for animals. McDougal is on the mailing list for about every major pharmaceutical company. Somehow they got the impression that he is running some sort of clinic for exotic animals. Who knows, maybe he is...

At any rate, there were a few letters in the bag that I think will give you readers a bit of insight into the everyday life of McDougal, so I will share them here. I have blocked out the names of the senders, for legal reasons, but I don't think there will be any problem including the name of the organizations they are affiliated with. Enjoy!

Mr. McDougal,

I regret to inform you that we are not able to grant you a patent on
your NARCOBOVINEDEFRACULATOR at this time, as we have been unable to determine
what it is exactly that the device is supposed to do. We appreciate your
enclosure of extremely detailed blueprints, however they have proven to be of
little use in our efforts to understand the contraption. I can tell you that the
blueprints have been the subject of intense discussion around the office, and we
even briefly considered actually constructing the device. Unfortunately
international law prohibits us from obtaining several of the necessary
components. Your most recent letter seemed to suggest that you have constructed
a prototype. If this is indeed the case, we urge you to contact the Nuclear
Regulatory Commission immediately. We allowed them to examine the blueprints and
they feel that your safety measures are not at all adequate.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
U.S. Patent Office

Mr. McDougal,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your vessel, the "Sloop Doggy Dogg," off the coast of Bermuda. This year's hurricane season was a difficult one for mariners. Regarding your insurance claim, the official Coast Guard report you submitted seems to indicate that you were killed in the sinking of the vessel. Since this is obviously not the case, some clarification of this will be necessary before your claim can be processed.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXX
Lloyds of London

Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your interest in the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, we are not planning any Crusades at this time. Hopefully this will not deter you from your interest in the faith.

Yours in Christ,
Cardinal XXXXXXX
The Vatican

McDougal,

Long time, no see buddy. I realize that you're busy, but you should really try to make some of the meetings every now and then. Yes, I did hear about your campaign for President! As you know, we usually back conservative Republicans and the occasional Southern Democrat, however we have not entirely ruled out the possibility of backing you as a third party candidate in 2008. Especially in the unlikely event of a Clinton/McCain race. As far as running mates, I would lean toward Walken, but Charlie Murphy is a surprisingly good option when I start to look at the hard numbers. But that's your choice to make, not mine. Good luck with the campaign!

XXXXXXXXX
Illuminatus Major
Order of the Illuminati