The Quotable McDougal (#9)

"I wish unicorns were fake and panda bears were real."

The Quotable McDougal (#8)

"Idle hands are the Devil's nunchucks."

The Quotable McDougal (#7)

"If it smells like someone died, don't open the refrigerator dude."

The Quotable McDougal (#6)

"Less bacon is never the answer."

The Quotable McDougal (#5)

"I had to go to Columbus, Ohio one time to give a commencement address at The Ohio State University. That's the way they say it. THE Ohio State University. Pretentious fucks. That's actually how I started my commencement address. Anyway, Columbus is a weird town. Everyone you meet there wants to sell you heroin, but you can't find a single person who will let you swim in their pool."

The Quotable McDougal (#4)

"I have immense respect and appreciation for God's power.

Once, I was caught in a tornado. It carried me eleven miles over the Kansas flatlands, then set me down naked in a mobster's bathtub with three blind strippers and a gallon of Puerto Rican rum.

They'd all burned their retinas out staring into the lasers at the self checkout price scanner at Target. Three separate incidents. They hadn't even known each other before.

This was something of a defining moment in my faith journey because it taught me two things about God."

The Quotable McDougal (#3)

"I never owned a pet. I think if God wanted us to "own" other living creatures he'd have -- Oh wait. I've had some dogs. I guess those are pets. Oh, and a cat, and a bunch of fish. Oh, and some gerbils and whatnot. I freaking LOVE gerbils. They're cute, right? With those little tails. They're like little rats with wings."

The Quotable McDougal (#2)

"I divide magicians into two categories: charlatans and demons. The former use trickery to dupe the weak minded. The latter trade their immortal souls for the ability to do things like hold their breath for nine minutes. I don't care for either, but am more frightened by the tricksters. The devil and I have an agreement.

I also divide laundry into two categories."

The Quotable McDougal (#1)

"I've searched every etiquette book I could get my hands on, and not one of them offered any advice on what is the proper greeting to give your neighbor when they walk by as you are using a twig to scrape the used condoms that are stuck to the bottom of your wastebasket into the dumpster."