McDougal's Mailbag 2

Well, since I had to scrap yesterday's planned April Fool's Day story (McDougal drowns in Fluffalo hunting accident!) at the last minute, the post I had originally planned for today (April Fools!) wouldn't have made a bit of sense, so I had to throw that one out too, leaving me with nothing to write about. I am, however, still getting McDougal's mail. Two more bags of it arrived this week. A package in one of the bags exploded, destroying all of the mail and part of my foyer, but I still have a whole bag of mail to work with. Well, most of it anyway. McDougal stopped by and picked up the Asian porn and Highlights magazines. Apparently he is keeping close tabs on someone named "Goofus." When I told McDougal about the bomb in his mail (he didn't even ask why the front of my house was missing) he looked dismayed and said "Hmmm... One of them must have gotten sent back. I thought I used enough postage." As scary as the thought of McDougal mailing out bombs is, I was much more horrified to discover an autographed picture of the band 98 Degrees included with this weeks mail. I've included a scan of the photo here, as it might be of interest to McDougal's fans, as well as any fans of 98 Degrees who might also read this blog. Apparently McDougal is a collector of celebrity autographs, which I didn't know.

Mr. McDougal,

We recently received your many, many letters requesting signed photographs. Mr. Knotts always loved hearing from fans. Regretfully, as you may have heard, he recent death makes it impossible for us to grant your request.

XXXXXXXX
Executor, the estate of Don Knotts


Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your interest in the Catholic Church. We are not planning any Inquisitions at this time. Hopefully this does not dampen your enthusiasm for converting to Catholicism.

Yours in Christ,
Cardinal XXXXXXXX
The Vatican


Mr. McDougal,

Our maintenance crew discovered your car on the roof of our building yesterday. We need you to move it so we can access one of the air conditioning units.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX
Facilities Manager,
Sears Tower, Chicago, IL


Mr. McDougal

We have completed cleanup of the former site of your NARCOBOVINEDEFRACULATOR. The costs of soil removal and construction of the concrete and lead cap which now covers the crater, as well as the wages of the soldiers from the Montana National Guard who are currently maintaining the Exclusion Zone will be added to the fines outlined in our previous letter.

XXXXXXXXX
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission


Mr. McDougal,

Please stop sending letters. You are just going to have to face the fact that Mr. Ebsen died over two years ago and you will be receiving no autographed photos. No amount of threats will bring Mr. Ebsen back from the grave.

XXXXXXXXX
The Buddy Ebsen estate


Herr McDougal,

Please return the Ark of the Covenant to us. We know that you are not using it. It just sits in that warehouse collecting dust.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Government of Germany