McDougal's Mailbag 3

While McDougal is on the road for his big presidential campaign tour, I have once again been assigned to sort his mail. Mostly he just gets shampoo samples and Fredericks of Hollywood catalogs, but there were a few items that I think might be of interest to you readers. Most interesting, of course, was a large manilla envelope containing photographs of a certain head of state having sexual intercourse with a chicken. I would love to share them with you, but McDougal left very specific instructions that I should not show them to anyone and take them immediately to a fireproof vault in a secret location, where they now rest. I can tell you a few things. 1. Based on the writing on some signs in the background I believe that the photos were taken somewhere in Thailand. 2. The pictures are probably about ten years old, but the person in them would still be instantly recognizable to anyone in the world who reads a newspaper at least once a week. 3. This head of state is probably going to send agents from his country's security apparatus to assassinate McDougal. 4. These agents will fail like so many others have in the past.

Here are a few letters:

Mr. McDougal,

The position of Pope is occupied for the foreseeable future. The tone of your most recent letter seemed vaguely threatening. We sincerely hope that this was an error in your usage of Latin, however we wish you to know that we have increased security in the Vatican in the event that the threat was deliberate. Ordinarily we would do everything in our power to encourage someone who has taken an interest in the Catholic Church. In your case, however, we would ask that you discontinue all correspondence. The Catholic Church is not for you.

Cardinal XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Vatican



Dear Mister Mcdoogle,

My name is XXXXXX. I am 8. You came to my town and gave a speech. It was at the parking lot at the bowling aley. I liked the part where you talked about the robots. The kids at my school are mean to me sometimes. I sent letters to Santa Claus and God asking them to make the other kids be nicer but they are still mean. Please send a robot to my school to kill the mean kids. Send two robots if you can. It is a big school.

Love,
XXXXXXXXX

P.S. I thought your gorilla was really cool.



McDougal, My Friend,

May Allah's blessings be upon you. Thank you for the timely delivery of the Narcobovinedefraculator. It has been a great help to us. The United Nations are now shitting themselves with terror. God is great!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Islamic Republic of Iran


Mr. McDougal,

Unfortunately, your appeal to have your lifetime ban from the City of New Orleans lifted has been denied. Your Godzilla-like rampage (Mayor Nagin's words, not my own) has not been forgotten. I would suggest you make alternate plans for this year's Mardi Gras celebration.

Sincerely,
Issac Panzer
The Law Firm of Claymore, Panzer, Bastille & Cungfu