McDougal's Mailbag

Apparently, while he was out of town hunting leprechauns, McDougal had his mail forwarded to Friends of McDougal Headquarters. I'm not sure what, exactly, this accomplished because we were all out hunting leprechauns with him, but I gave up long ago trying to understand the workings of the mind of McDougal. I called him yesterday afternoon to ask if he wanted the mail dropped off at the gates of his compound.

"You filthy rat-bastard!" I had to hold the phone several feet away from my head, McDougal was yelling so loud. "If you get anywhere new me with that garbage I'll flay you alive!"

I decided to take a look through the mountain of mail, hoping to find something that I might be able to share on this blog. The bag was mostly filled with magazines (the most deviant Japanese pornography, back issues of Soldier of Fortune, Highlights) and sample packets of prescription medications for animals. McDougal is on the mailing list for about every major pharmaceutical company. Somehow they got the impression that he is running some sort of clinic for exotic animals. Who knows, maybe he is...

At any rate, there were a few letters in the bag that I think will give you readers a bit of insight into the everyday life of McDougal, so I will share them here. I have blocked out the names of the senders, for legal reasons, but I don't think there will be any problem including the name of the organizations they are affiliated with. Enjoy!

Mr. McDougal,

I regret to inform you that we are not able to grant you a patent on
your NARCOBOVINEDEFRACULATOR at this time, as we have been unable to determine
what it is exactly that the device is supposed to do. We appreciate your
enclosure of extremely detailed blueprints, however they have proven to be of
little use in our efforts to understand the contraption. I can tell you that the
blueprints have been the subject of intense discussion around the office, and we
even briefly considered actually constructing the device. Unfortunately
international law prohibits us from obtaining several of the necessary
components. Your most recent letter seemed to suggest that you have constructed
a prototype. If this is indeed the case, we urge you to contact the Nuclear
Regulatory Commission immediately. We allowed them to examine the blueprints and
they feel that your safety measures are not at all adequate.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
U.S. Patent Office

Mr. McDougal,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your vessel, the "Sloop Doggy Dogg," off the coast of Bermuda. This year's hurricane season was a difficult one for mariners. Regarding your insurance claim, the official Coast Guard report you submitted seems to indicate that you were killed in the sinking of the vessel. Since this is obviously not the case, some clarification of this will be necessary before your claim can be processed.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXX
Lloyds of London

Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your interest in the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, we are not planning any Crusades at this time. Hopefully this will not deter you from your interest in the faith.

Yours in Christ,
Cardinal XXXXXXX
The Vatican

McDougal,

Long time, no see buddy. I realize that you're busy, but you should really try to make some of the meetings every now and then. Yes, I did hear about your campaign for President! As you know, we usually back conservative Republicans and the occasional Southern Democrat, however we have not entirely ruled out the possibility of backing you as a third party candidate in 2008. Especially in the unlikely event of a Clinton/McCain race. As far as running mates, I would lean toward Walken, but Charlie Murphy is a surprisingly good option when I start to look at the hard numbers. But that's your choice to make, not mine. Good luck with the campaign!

XXXXXXXXX
Illuminatus Major
Order of the Illuminati