McDougal's Mailbag 3

While McDougal is on the road for his big presidential campaign tour, I have once again been assigned to sort his mail. Mostly he just gets shampoo samples and Fredericks of Hollywood catalogs, but there were a few items that I think might be of interest to you readers. Most interesting, of course, was a large manilla envelope containing photographs of a certain head of state having sexual intercourse with a chicken. I would love to share them with you, but McDougal left very specific instructions that I should not show them to anyone and take them immediately to a fireproof vault in a secret location, where they now rest. I can tell you a few things. 1. Based on the writing on some signs in the background I believe that the photos were taken somewhere in Thailand. 2. The pictures are probably about ten years old, but the person in them would still be instantly recognizable to anyone in the world who reads a newspaper at least once a week. 3. This head of state is probably going to send agents from his country's security apparatus to assassinate McDougal. 4. These agents will fail like so many others have in the past.

Here are a few letters:

Mr. McDougal,

The position of Pope is occupied for the foreseeable future. The tone of your most recent letter seemed vaguely threatening. We sincerely hope that this was an error in your usage of Latin, however we wish you to know that we have increased security in the Vatican in the event that the threat was deliberate. Ordinarily we would do everything in our power to encourage someone who has taken an interest in the Catholic Church. In your case, however, we would ask that you discontinue all correspondence. The Catholic Church is not for you.

Cardinal XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Vatican



Dear Mister Mcdoogle,

My name is XXXXXX. I am 8. You came to my town and gave a speech. It was at the parking lot at the bowling aley. I liked the part where you talked about the robots. The kids at my school are mean to me sometimes. I sent letters to Santa Claus and God asking them to make the other kids be nicer but they are still mean. Please send a robot to my school to kill the mean kids. Send two robots if you can. It is a big school.

Love,
XXXXXXXXX

P.S. I thought your gorilla was really cool.



McDougal, My Friend,

May Allah's blessings be upon you. Thank you for the timely delivery of the Narcobovinedefraculator. It has been a great help to us. The United Nations are now shitting themselves with terror. God is great!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The Islamic Republic of Iran


Mr. McDougal,

Unfortunately, your appeal to have your lifetime ban from the City of New Orleans lifted has been denied. Your Godzilla-like rampage (Mayor Nagin's words, not my own) has not been forgotten. I would suggest you make alternate plans for this year's Mardi Gras celebration.

Sincerely,
Issac Panzer
The Law Firm of Claymore, Panzer, Bastille & Cungfu

CAPTURED!

First off, I'd like to apologize for the lack of activity here on the Friends of McDougal blog over the past few weeks. We have a good reason for this. As you all know, McDougal disappeared into the wilds of America following a traffic accident while en route to the Superbowl. As we tracked his movements, it was our desire to keep his fans updated on his whereabouts. However, McDougal is incredibly internet savvy. In fact, most people don't know this, but McDougal was the founder of the internet's third pornographic website. He was also the inventor of the pop-up ad and is believed to have composed the first Nigerian Banking Scam email. Oh, and you know how sometimes people will alternate capital and lowercase letters? McDougal invented that too. At any rate, McDougal quickly discovered that we were tracking his movements. We converged on Sheridan, Wyoming, expecting to capture McDougal there, only to find the empty wreckage of an Indiana National Guard Helicopter, which had been twisted into a crude representation of a giant hand with the middle finger defiantly extended.

You might not guess it, but McDougal is a skilled woodsman. Once, when we were out poaching caribou in Nahanni National Park we became trapped in the mountains by a sudden snowstorm. The bitter cold quickly sapped my strength and I became too weak to travel on. I told McDougal to continue on without me. And he did. I had tossed aside most of my gear earlier, hoping this would allow me more freedom of movement, so McDougal left his spare clothing and blankets with me. He also left me his rifle, "for when the wolves come." But McDougal returned a few hours later dragging the carcass of a huge grizzly bear, which he had killed with his bare hands. He devoured the entire bear in one sitting, then began lashing the bear's skeleton into a triangular framework using tendon and sinew. McDougal then stretched the bear's hide over the framework and, picking me up under one arm, we hanglided to safety. That bearskin hanglider is now in the permanent collection of the Smithsonian Institution, however it is not currently on display. Apparently the Museums of American History, Natural History and Air & Space all feel that they have the most legitimate claim to this artifact, so until this debate is settled it remains in storage.

Knowing what McDougal is capable of, I gave up on the idea of capturing him in the midst of his journey. Instead, I selected a likely destination and set an ambush for him there. You see, yesterday was Fat Tuesday, and McDougal hasn't missed a Mardi Gras since 1957 (it pained him greatly to miss that one, but he was hiding out in the Sierra Maestra with Che Guevara and didn't wish to abandon his comrades). The City of New Orleans was very helpful with organizing my trap. It wouldn't have been possible without them. The New Orleans Saints cheerleaders loaned me one of those pneumatic cannons that they use to fire T-shirts into the crowd. Inside of it, I placed one of those gigantic hypodermic syringes that are used to inject seasonings into a deep fried turkey. Instead of Cajun spices, however, this needle contained rhinoceros tranquilizers generously donated by the Audubon Zoo.

The Big Man's head stuck well above the rest of the crowd along the parade route, so I had a clear shot at his neck. Not that I needed any help locating him. He was completely naked except for a skirt made of Mardi Gras beads and painted head to toe in stripes of purple, green and gold. Topping it all off was a giant neon-lit crown, which I'm pretty sure used to sit atop one of the Casinos in Las Vegas that was bulldozed to make room for the MGM Grand. Several empty beer kegs rolled around McDougal's feet. From my position, hidden within a Mardi Gras float with the unlikely theme of Judas Iscariot betraying Jesus, I took aim and fired...

Before the drugs took effect, McDougal managed to destroy one New Orleans police cruiser, which I have included a photo of. The police were willing to forgive this, provided we removed McDougal from the city before the sedatives wear off. I was more than happy to do this. I think their city has been through enough. McDougal is currently being transported North in an unmarked semi trailer with a highly skilled crew of handlers, who are keeping his skin moistened with bourbon during his journey.

M.E.A.T. Party Platform

While neither McDougal nor Walken will comment on the rumored '08 M.E.A.T. Party presidential bid in 2008, Party Founder has shared the ten basic tenets of MEAT:

1. As President of the United States, McDougal shall decree that Christopher Walken will always play Vice President as the guy from True Romance.
2. President McDougal shall decree that New Orleans will be built bigger and better than ever -- on the MOON.
3. President McDougal will never go more than 14 hours without punching poor people in the face and/or taking something of value from them and dashing it to bits, then laughing like a maniacal villain from a James Bond movie.
4. Vice President Walken will only break character as the True Romance guy to say "more cowbell!" when the going gets tough. Actually he will go in and out of those two characters, which will be even more entertaining because it will surprise you when he switches.
5. The McDougal Administration will declare March 3, 4, and 5 "National Half-Week Where We Find New Potential First Ladies", and will cruise Buckhead, The Castro District, and the French Quart... oh wait, no, not the French Quarter.
6. For too long, our nation has struggled with too many meat options. This manner of confusion lessens a man's morale and mental resolve. Let us limit our meat choices. Bacon should be adopted as the national meat of choice.
7. Spider monkeys are ruining our world. No one does anything about spider monkeys. The prisons should be emptied, and the criminals appointed national exterminators or other high-ranking Federal positions (FEMA Director, Secretary of Meat, Pimiento Cheese Inspector General, etc.). I mean, come on, are they spiders or are they monkeys ... or do they live in that magic realm between?
8. I kind of like that show where Tommy Lee goes to college.
9. Implementation of the Fair Tax.
10. All former Presidents with a last name ending in H and starting with either B or X must be placed in a jello mold with at least three orifices (of their own choosing) sticking out. This mold will be placed in the center of the Mall of America on a gold leaflet pedestal, where all citizens of the world will be allowed to throw small objects at the orifices in freedom. No one shall trammel upon the rights of the people, and the Presidents shall be kept alive with intravenous fluids and SCUBA gear for no less than four years.

Katrina and the Waves

MCOUDGAL SPOTTED CHARGING DOWN BOURBONB ST ON MIGHTY STALLION STOP WEARING CONFEDERATE UNIFORM STOP SWILLING WHISKEY FROM BRASS DRUM STOP MCDOUGAL SPRAYPAINTED GOLD STOP WHEN HE LIFTS ARM AND WAVES HURRICANE FOLLOWS STOP SAW HIM POINT FINGER AT BAR AND LIGHTNING STRUCK IT AND DESTROYED IT THEN DRUNK 18 YEAR OLDS FELL OUT AND FELLATED STOP SAYS HE IS HEADED NEXT TO MEMPHIS AND TAKING OUT FEDEX STOP GOD HELP -- TRANSMISSION ENDED