I HAVE RETURNED FROM EXILE

I need to clarify about 6 things. I have been blocked from all communication regarding a one Mr. Avery Chaz. McDougal for approximately 3 weeks. Someone else, who will not be named here, used the embedded Dell keystroke recorder in my Latitude 805 to get into and subsequently lock me out of this forum, wrote his or her own missives, and then sold used women's underwear using my eBay account. This is neither the time nor place for me to describe how I got my password back, nor how well his liver-skin warms my ankles.

For there is one thing and one thing only that is appropriate here, and that is the description and worship of our Lord and Saviour Franco McDougal.

How my mind churned and revolted at the inability to put down my history on that man! How I screamed through the night, hands bloodied from pounding my own meat for hours, then grilling the aforementioned steaks and sadly having dinner alone while locked out of blogspot.com until the 22 hour waiting period ended and I could try a new set of passcodes. The terrors and ignobility of these past weeks is nothing compared to the great strength of McDougal's words to me in my agony chamber.

"Flip the channel til you see skin or Iraq," the wise sage would say to me, making me realize the base instincts of Man and my comparatively shallow concerns.

"Buy me a goddamned pizza before I fuck your cat in the face," he would equivocate, riveting me back to my own body's desire for food, water, and basic cleansing.

"You mind if I call your sister up? Herpes is on and I can't fuck my usual," he opined, giving me insight into something I still haven't exactly nailed down in my mind.

How he bolstered me through these dark days, how I fell to his shoulder in tears more times than I can count, sopping his shirt in sadness and anger, needing his warm embrace as a young oversexed rutting hippo needs a speedball.

Now that I am back I will tell a few stories I remember about McDougal, the most amusing involving a pair of ben wah balls and Kevin Federline.