Campaign Manager's Journal

My new management philosophy (don't try to direct McDougal's behavior, only try to control the damage) had done wonders for my health, however I'm afraid it has caused the campaign to slow to a crawl. The big man is easily distracted and it his hard to keep his momentum up. I thought the unveiling of our new Iraq strategy would be the shot in the arm that the campaign needed, but the Liberal Media has cast doubt on the abilities of Manuel Noriega to effectively subdue a war torn nation like Iraq, given that he has been out of the military strongman game for so long. Some of them have even had the gall to suggest that the Middle East does not need another despot. I would suggest that dictatorship is the only form of governance that those people understand, but we'll save those talking points for the debate...

But, to my surprise, the issue from McDougal's platform that attracted attention this week was not foreign policy, but the environment. Since the United Nations recently released its report on climate change, reducing emissions has become the hot-button issue of the week. McDougal seems an unlikely candidate to be leading the pack on environmental issues, but the other candidates have only offered vague solutions. McDougal, on the other hand, has been coming up with concrete solutions, like his plan to produce biodiesel using the algae that grows in California's Salton Sea.

This plan recently came to the attention of the good people at the Sierra Club, who invited McDougal to speak at one of their fundraisers. Unfortunately, as our Campaign Convoy was pulling in to the convention center, McDougal chose that moment to open up the emergency escape hatch in the bus's roof and throw out several pounds of assorted fast food cups and wrappers. Several members of the Sierra Club were struck by this errant garbage, walking away splattered with ketchup and chocolate non-dairy milkshake product.

This could have spelled disaster for the campaign. It does not look good for a candidate for President to engage in littering in front of dozens of prominent environmental lobbyists. The old me would have been tearing his hair out. But that would have been a waste of time. Instead, I sent the interns on a trip to the city dump, while the speech writers and I went to work at a furious pace.

Half an hour later, McDougal took the podium in front of a hostile crowd, carrying a large black Hefty bag. They immediately confronted him about the litter. McDougal calmly smiled, reached into the sack and pulled out a bulky white item. While the crowd worked themselves into a frenzy of indignity, McDougal surveyed the room. He picked out a man about halfway back, who seemed to be shouting the loudest and hurled the item at him. If the he had caught the bundle he probably would have been OK, but he just stuck out his arm, like a sissy, to shield his face. The bundle burst open, showering him with its contents.

"You know what that is?" McDougal asked.

The man just stammered and started to retch.

"That's right," McDougal continued, "it's a disposable diaper. A very used disposable diaper. One of the earliest, in fact. As you can see, it is much bulkier than the current version. I doubt I could have gotten one of the new ones much beyond the third row. I got it in your city dump."

A murmur was running through the crowd as they backed away from the retching, shit-covered man.

"Now, in the open air, that shit would have dried to a crust and flaked off decades ago. But there's a funny thing about garbage dumps... Here, take a look at this..."

McDougal reached into the sack again. The crowd cringed. But McDougal only pulled out a newspaper. It was somewhat yellowed, but otherwise intact. He glanced at the date.

"1952."

McDougal paused for affect.

"See, organic matter really needs two things to break down. Oxygen and water. But what happens at a landfill is, all this garbage is packed into a plastic-lined hole in the ground, then sealed with a clay cap. So the trash just sits and builds up, higher and higher, year after year, and even the most fragile material never gets a chance to biodegrade. Don't take my word for it though, take a look for yourself!"

McDougal began tossing items from the sack. The members of the Sierra Club jumped up from their seats and made a mad dash for the doors, which, of course, we had locked ahead of time. We wouldn't want anyone escaping before McDougal got his message across. Meanwhile, the campaign staff remained seated in the front rows, clutching plastic sheeting like the crowd at a Gallagher show, and cheering wildly. I was too busy ducking under this plastic to avoid the occasional stray maggot or drip of putrefaction to see all of the items McDougal threw out, but I do remember seeing an open jar of spoiled mayonnaise, a dead skunk and a sickly gray-green T-bone steak. It was like Mardi Gras in hell, and the Sierra Club, still crowded around the locked door, made an easy target.

"Nasty, isn't it? And the hell of it is, in the open air... say in a parking lot, for example... most of this stuff would have been completely gone in a month. What really chaps my ass is, we're paying for all this! Waste disposal is a multi-billion dollar industry, and most of it is just smoke and mirrors. We're lining their pockets so they can hide stuff that would otherwise rot for free. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well, that's just the way they want it. The less time you spend thinking about where your trash goes, the better for them. Of course, we can't just throw our trash in the ditch... Because littering is ILLEGAL. And in most cities you can't even burn your trash. You know who is behind all these laws? THE GARBAGE LOBBY! They've been paying off the politicians left and right so that they will legislate away every option other than sending your garbage through them. For a price. Hey, Gretta Granola, better watch out, they'll be coming for your compost heap next! That's why, if elected President, my first priority will be repealing all litter laws! I don't want my trash hidden away by backroom deals, I want it out where I can see it! I demand accountability!"

McDougal marched, triumphantly off stage. We, the campaign staff, filed quickly out after him before the shell-shocked members of the Sierra Club had a chance to think about what had really just happened in there. I heard that they were stuck with a pretty hefty clean up bill from the convention center. I also heard that, after seeing the bill, a few of them were grumbling about "the garbage lobby." That's just what I heard though...