VooDougal 2006

I told McDougal to take it easy, kick back, enjoy his annual Thanksgiving trip to Tijuana, get lost in a haze of underage hookers, tequila and mescaline... Not to worry about the new direction the campaign would be taking. I told him I have it all under control. But when he heard what I had planned for the week, well he just had to get involved.

It's election time in Haiti.

Anyone who wants to win an election, any election, anywhere, would do well to look at Haiti. A person can learn everything he ever wanted to know about corruption, graft, election rigging and the fine are of the violent coup by studying Haitian politics. I feel this is the kind of knowledge that our campaign staff is severely lacking. Sure, we know the high tech end of things. That modern stuff. Diebold voting machines and the like. Attack ads. Hanging chad. But what of the classic stuff? The real grass-roots of election fraud. Kids today don't know how to stuff a ballot box. They don't know how to rig an election so bad that a legion of United Nations Inspectors canvassing the country in white helicopters still can't figure out what the hell you did. They don't know how to crush a determined, and heavily armed, resistance who knows the election was crooked.

I fully expect all of these to be required skills in 2008.

So we spent the past few weeks packing up the whole operation into McDougal's C-130 transport plane and just today we arrived in country. I'm glad McDougal decided to make the trip, even though our arrival in Haiti was delayed by several days as a result. An hour out of Miami he decided that, even though he missed Thanksgiving, he really did want to get some of that mescaline. He ended up going on a three day bender. Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, WE ended up going on a three day bender. I remember nothing, the work of the tequila more than the mescaline, I'm sure... But according to the pictures on my digital camera (I deleted all of them this morning for legal reasons, so don't even ask) McDougal managed to convince several of the interns to take second billing in the donkey show. Each of them made about four hundred pesos each in tips, which they seemed very proud of. When they sobered up enough to understand the exchange rate they were understandably upset.

I think the bank is closed

I down 460. These tables are loose. Mob run deals. Mexican gambling is worse than the Cherokees. The dealer's always got Aces and Eights up his sleeve. Dead Man's hand. Slit your throat quicker'n they'd let you walk with that pot. Mexican soldiers on duty and off swarm this joint. The planes are circling ... lower with each pass. And I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. Trip fours sent me to the shitter last hand in. These Mexicans play a dirty game. Caught a Tijuana whore in my hip pocket this morning. She took me for almost $3k. I'm down and out in Old Mexico, holdin' out for a miracle, but would settle for a bus ticket out of here.

The McDougal Family Tree: A portrait in greatness (part 3)

Alert reader Carl Spackler writes, "whats mcdougal doing for thanksgiving? also, was he around for the first thanksgiving?"

Mr. Spackler, the McDougal family's arrival in The New World has been a hotly contested subject for many years. Certain factions of historians maintain that the McDougals have only recently immigrated to the United States and that many of the tales of their historical exploits are outright fiction. Some even go so far as to claim that The Great McDougal himself was foreign born. We here at the McDougal Center for Historical Research of Western Connecticut, the nations foremost center for McDougal family documentation, have long believed that a member of the McDougal clan was actually one of the earliest European settlers to arrive in North America. We are pleased to announce that our painstaking research has resulted in the discovery of the astounding tale of Johnathan James McDougal, Mayflower Stowaway.

That a member of the McDougal clan, legendary for drunkenness, whoring, drug use and all-around depravity would have fallen in with a group of religious nutcases like the Puritans is surprising indeed. However, pursued by various law enforcement officials, lawyers, creditors and mothers of illegitimate McDougal children, J.J. McDougal sneaked aboard the first ship leaving England that he was able to locate. When the McDougal finally revealed himself to the Puritans, after nine days at sea, they were none to pleased with his presence aboard their boat, and McDougal quickly began to loath their presence as well. No record survives of the numerous clashes that surely happened between the odd shipmates on the long voyage to America, but what is certain is that McDougal was immediately sent away from the Pilgrims upon their landing at Plymouth Rock to make his own way in the New World.

The Pilgrims surely felt that banishing J.J. McDougal into the unforgiving forest was a death sentence, but this does not seem to have bothered them in the slightest. However, they grossly underestimated the resourcefulness that has always been a hallmark of the McDougal line. Like the Pilgrims, J.J. owed his survival through that first harsh winter to the local indian tribe. McDougal found that each indian provided enough meat to last him for several weeks and their skins could be fashioned into warm clothing. He was careful not to over hunt the tribe, as it takes nearly two decades for an indian to reach full maturity. This casual approach to cannibalism is another one of those survival instincts that is hard-wired into every McDougal and has allowed them to become the successful family they are today.

The Pilgrims, meanwhile, took to farming, fishing and hunting of the local fauna to survive. When the time of the harvest arrived, they prepared a great feast to celebrate the bounty their new homeland provided. From his hideout in the trees McDougal smelled the wonderful aromas of the meal being prepared and was seized by a powerful hunger. Once the feast was prepared, and the Puritans began to take their seats, J.J. McDougal stumbled out of the woods clutching an indian skull filled with mead he had managed to ferment after raiding several beehives for their honey. The Pilgrims, shocked by McDougal's bizarre appearance and seized by a sense of Christian charity, allowed him to stay. McDougal spent the rest of the feast making a drunken nuisance of himself and gorging on the free meal. This started the Thanksgiving tradition of offering a feast to obnoxious and unwanted guests every November 24th.

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at Friends of McDougal.

Oh, and as for what The Great McDougal is doing for Thanksgiving this year? the same thing he does every year... He's going to get hopped up on pills, fly down to Tijuana at cactus-top level in one of his restored WWII fighter aircraft and catch a donkey show, then he's going to eat someone who looks like they might be an indian.