From the Legal Department

After a week of intense searching, we here at the legal department have been unable to locate a loophole that will allow us to avoid participating in this Behind the Scenes Week. It appears that we are contractually obligated to contribute one day's worth of content, including, but not limited to, the answering of questions from readers. That said, after careful reading of the Behind the Scenes clause in our contract, we have determined that although they can require us to post on the blog today, they cannot make lawyers be funny.

First a quick word about our duties here in the legal department. Our most important duty is to prevent McDougal from being imprisoned as a result of his behavior. This takes up 75% of our time. For legal reasons, we cannot go into details about how we accomplish this. An additional 20% of our time is spent fending off lawsuits from various parties who have become injured in some fashion as a result of McDougal's everyday activities. This can be accomplished much more easily than dealing with the criminal courts because nearly all of these suits can be resolved by a generous cash settlement. The remaining 5% of our time is spent reviewing this weblog for possibly libelous content. In order to educate the public, we will be using a few reader-submitted questions as examples of the type of libelous content that our screening process removes from this blog on a weekly basis. All libelous content contained in these letters is solely the opinion of the authors of these questions, and does not reflect the views of Friends of McDougal or any of its parent or subsidiary companies.

Our first example comes from Carl Spackler, who writes:

does mcdougal know where osama bin laden is hiding?

McDougal's legal department objects to the use of the word "hiding" as it suggests that Osama bin Laden is a sissy and a coward. McDougal wishes it to be known that this objection is not meant to be an indication of support for Mr. bin Laden, nor an approval of his actions. McDougal denies any knowledge of the current location or activities of Osama bin Laden. Any resemblance between Osama bin Laden and the night manager of the East St. Louis location of the DoogMart chain of convenience stores is purely coincidental.

Our next example comes from Damnsle, who writes:

How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

While this is not an example of libelous content, it does present a possible copyright issue, as "Tootsie Pop" is a registered trademark of Tootsie Roll Industries. Its inclusion here is not to be meant as an endorsement by McDougal of the aforementioned product. McDougal does not promote the use of candy on sticks, as the sticks may present a safety hazard. Where eye protection at all times. McDougal does not recommend that candy of any kind be fed to tortoises or owls, and is not responsible for any injury or death that may occur as a result.

The best example of libelous content we received comes to us from Josh Williams, who writes:

Is it true that McDougal caught Mick Jagger and David Bowie in bed together, offer not to drown them in the semen pumped from Rod Stewarts stomach? All for a cut of the profits, a handsome cut my people tell me.

McDougal denies ever taking part in any schemes involving the withholding of damaging information in exchange for money, persons or property. McDougal denies all knowledge of homosexual activities involving any and all prominent British rock stars, with the exception of Elton John. All references, by McDougal, to Rod Stewart which included the phrase "cum guzzling" were taken out of context and were meant in no way to suggest that Mr. Stewart has engaged in any type of homosexual activity.