There's nothing funny about poor financial planning.

Greetings from FoMcDCorp's Finance Sector. Our job is to manage the millions of dollars that roll through the McDougal empire on a daily basis. Things like campaign donations, revenue from selling clothing and trinkets on Cafepress, gambling winnings and earnings from various black market enterprises. These funds are then dispersed into Swiss accounts, Cayman Islands holding companies and low budget independent films.

Early this morning one of those monkeys from Fact Checking tossed a rock through our window, around which several letters were duct taped. I can only assume that we are to answer these letters as part of this ridiculous "Behind the Scenes Week" that the writers dreamed up. Very well...

First up, our daily question from Josh Williams:

Does McDougal pay himself as a body guard for himself and if so what tax form is required for hiring yourself to protect ...yourself.

McDougal does not pay himself to act as his own bodyguard. He does this work pro bono, just for the sheer joy of beating the ever-living piss out of anyone who makes a misguided attempt at threatening him. Since this takes time out of his busy schedule, and is actually also a service to the community, we closely record this time as charity work so it can be used as a tax deduction.

Next is a letter from Carl Spackler, who writes:

if mcdougal were given $1 million what would he do with it?

He would probably wipe his ass with it Carl. He loses that kind of money in the crack of his sofa. McDougal is worth in excess of $163 Billion Mr. Spackler. Do you have any idea how much money that is? It's enough that he could make your family an offer so big they would sell you to him without a second thought, and still leave him more than enough to purchase an island in the Seychelles and fly you there on a chartered space shuttle so that he could hunt you for sport.

Actually, I don't think he would really wipe his ass with it. I bet he would spend it on drugs.

Ah, what the hell, let's answer another question from Josh Williams... He seems to have a genuine interest in the world of finance:

How does McDougal Launder his cash income?

He used to use a complicated network of shell corporations and third world banks, but after September 11th any cash that flows into the U.S. through third world banks is more likely to draw the attention of the Department of Homeland Security. Fortunately, money laundering has been made much easier now that he is running for President. Now, once the money has been transferred to a shell corporation, this corporation can then make an extremely generous "campaign contribution" to McDougal. Politicians have done everything they can to make it look like campaign finance is open to public scrutiny, while making sure as much as possible stays hidden, so this type of thing is able to slip by largely unnoticed.

Our next letter is from Ibrahim Alpher, of Ouagoudougou, Burkina Faso:

FROM THE DESK OF:MR IBRAHIM ALPHER
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
HEADQUARTERS
OUAGOUDOUGOU BURKINA FASO
WEST AFRICA

Dear client,

I am MR MR IBRAHIM ALPHER, credit officer of African Development Bank. I
have an
urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

In June, 2000, a German property consultant and importer of used cars ,Mr
Andreas Schranner made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$30,000,000.00(Thirty Million United States Dollars
only) in my branch. It was to our utter suprise that we heard of his death,
wife and children in an AF4590 plane crash in July 2000. See website below:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm


On further investigation,I found out that he died without making a WILL, and
hitherto, all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. Mr Andreas
Schranner was residing at No 1 Rue de Avenida, G.R.A.
ouagoudougou, burkina faso.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr Andreas
Schranner did not declare any kin or relations in all his official
documents, including his
Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$35,000,000.00 is still
sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal
sum at the end of each year. No one will
ever come forward to claim it. According to Laws of burkina faso, at the
expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will be declared frozen and
forfeited to the burkina faso Government if nobody applies to claim the
fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in
as the next of kin or business partner to Mr Andreas Schranner so that the
fruits of this old man's labor will not get into
the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I will like
you to provide immediately your full names and address,phone and fax numbers
so that
the i can prepare the necessary documents that will put you in place as
the next of kin or business partner.Your role in the transaction is to send
an application for claim of the funds to our bank. Then, as top officials of
the bank, I shall work behind-the-scene to make sure that your application
is approved by the management of the bank, and the funds transfered to your
nominated bank account.

Please note that there is no iota of risks at all as all the paperwork for
this transaction will be done legitimately and with my positions as top
officials of the bank i would ensure a successful execution of this
transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately to my email
box.

Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy
communication.

You should observe utmost CONFIDENTIALITY AND SECRECY in this transaction,
and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of
us because I will require your assistance to invest my share in your
country.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Thanks and regards.

MR IBRAHIM ALPHER

Mr. Alpher,

We have sent you the telephone and fax numbers you requested, as well as the credit card, social security and passport numbers of everyone here in the Finance Section. Hopefully the money transfer of $3,500,000 (10% of the total, as requested) from FoMcDCorp will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. I look forward to receiving the $35 million.