CAPTURED!

First off, I'd like to apologize for the lack of activity here on the Friends of McDougal blog over the past few weeks. We have a good reason for this. As you all know, McDougal disappeared into the wilds of America following a traffic accident while en route to the Superbowl. As we tracked his movements, it was our desire to keep his fans updated on his whereabouts. However, McDougal is incredibly internet savvy. In fact, most people don't know this, but McDougal was the founder of the internet's third pornographic website. He was also the inventor of the pop-up ad and is believed to have composed the first Nigerian Banking Scam email. Oh, and you know how sometimes people will alternate capital and lowercase letters? McDougal invented that too. At any rate, McDougal quickly discovered that we were tracking his movements. We converged on Sheridan, Wyoming, expecting to capture McDougal there, only to find the empty wreckage of an Indiana National Guard Helicopter, which had been twisted into a crude representation of a giant hand with the middle finger defiantly extended.

You might not guess it, but McDougal is a skilled woodsman. Once, when we were out poaching caribou in Nahanni National Park we became trapped in the mountains by a sudden snowstorm. The bitter cold quickly sapped my strength and I became too weak to travel on. I told McDougal to continue on without me. And he did. I had tossed aside most of my gear earlier, hoping this would allow me more freedom of movement, so McDougal left his spare clothing and blankets with me. He also left me his rifle, "for when the wolves come." But McDougal returned a few hours later dragging the carcass of a huge grizzly bear, which he had killed with his bare hands. He devoured the entire bear in one sitting, then began lashing the bear's skeleton into a triangular framework using tendon and sinew. McDougal then stretched the bear's hide over the framework and, picking me up under one arm, we hanglided to safety. That bearskin hanglider is now in the permanent collection of the Smithsonian Institution, however it is not currently on display. Apparently the Museums of American History, Natural History and Air & Space all feel that they have the most legitimate claim to this artifact, so until this debate is settled it remains in storage.

Knowing what McDougal is capable of, I gave up on the idea of capturing him in the midst of his journey. Instead, I selected a likely destination and set an ambush for him there. You see, yesterday was Fat Tuesday, and McDougal hasn't missed a Mardi Gras since 1957 (it pained him greatly to miss that one, but he was hiding out in the Sierra Maestra with Che Guevara and didn't wish to abandon his comrades). The City of New Orleans was very helpful with organizing my trap. It wouldn't have been possible without them. The New Orleans Saints cheerleaders loaned me one of those pneumatic cannons that they use to fire T-shirts into the crowd. Inside of it, I placed one of those gigantic hypodermic syringes that are used to inject seasonings into a deep fried turkey. Instead of Cajun spices, however, this needle contained rhinoceros tranquilizers generously donated by the Audubon Zoo.

The Big Man's head stuck well above the rest of the crowd along the parade route, so I had a clear shot at his neck. Not that I needed any help locating him. He was completely naked except for a skirt made of Mardi Gras beads and painted head to toe in stripes of purple, green and gold. Topping it all off was a giant neon-lit crown, which I'm pretty sure used to sit atop one of the Casinos in Las Vegas that was bulldozed to make room for the MGM Grand. Several empty beer kegs rolled around McDougal's feet. From my position, hidden within a Mardi Gras float with the unlikely theme of Judas Iscariot betraying Jesus, I took aim and fired...

Before the drugs took effect, McDougal managed to destroy one New Orleans police cruiser, which I have included a photo of. The police were willing to forgive this, provided we removed McDougal from the city before the sedatives wear off. I was more than happy to do this. I think their city has been through enough. McDougal is currently being transported North in an unmarked semi trailer with a highly skilled crew of handlers, who are keeping his skin moistened with bourbon during his journey.