McDougal's Movie Reviews - Snakes on a Plane

McDougal took an afternoon off from his busy campaign schedule to catch a matinee of Snakes on a Plane. I took this opportunity to transcribe his remarks and post them here.

Finally, a movie that delivers exactly what it promises. Look. There are clearly snakes. And a plane. This may be the best movie since Porky's. I like that Sammy Jackson Jr. The way he tap dances... When they make a movie about me I want that Sammy Jackson to play me. What? Yes, I realize he is black. It's called artistic license. Read a fucking book you nitwit. What goddamn airline is this?? Look at all that legroom! I wonder if they fly to Pago Pago... Wait a minute... Snakes don't have legs! This movie is full of factual errors. And I didn't like the part where the Crocodile Hunter guy got killed by a stingray. It should have been something really vicious, like a mastodon or an esquilax.

At this point, ignoring the fact that McDougal was confusing the movie with current events, I suggested that perhaps a crocodile would have been fitting. McDougal immediately knocked me unconscious with a tubesock full of sparkplugs. This prevented me from transcribing any further commentary.

McDougal's Movie Reviews - Jerry Maguire

As you have probably noticed, there have been few new posts on this weblog this summer. The staff here at FOMcD have been extremely busy with other projects. We realize this has been a disappointment to our readers and regret this unfortunate situation. We asked McDougal if he could submit another movie review so that some fresh content could be added to the weblog. Unfortunately McDougal is currently under house arrest and has been unable to make it to the local multiplex to take in a summer blockbuster. However, he has graciously agreed (OK, we had to bribe him with a handful of pills and a few lines of powdered Mexican drain cleaner) to write a short review of a movie he is able to watch at home, on basic cable. Enjoy!

What a load of sentimental bullshit. "You had me at hello"??? Is
that supposed to be romantic? The writers of this steaming pile of tripe wouldn't know romantic if it fucked them up the ass. You know what the most romantic thing a woman ever said to me is? "The doctor said I'm not contagious anymore." Goddamn... I'm getting a hard-on right now, just thinking about it...

McDougal's Movie Reviews - X Men III

Now that the summer movie season is in full swing, I've asked McDougal if he could send in a few movie reviews so that his fans can enjoy his unique perspective on the world of film. Hopefully this will become a regular feature, but with McDougal, who knows? Anyway, I've gotten at least one review out of him. Here is the Big Man's review of X-Men III.

Mutants? Are you fucking kidding me? Let me tell you something about mutants. I've heard all that bullshit about "mutant powers," but I wanted to check them out for myself. Long story short, I ended up in this village in Ukraine, sits right in the shadow of Chernobyl... Place is chock-full of mutants. I didn't know exactly what I would be walking into, so I had my men stand by with the heavy weapons, out of sight and downwind so superhuman nostrils couldn't pick up their scent. I had the pilot keep the helicopter running so we could make a quick getaway if things went south. I needn't have bothered with all the precautions though. I wasn't able to find a single mutant with any kind of superpower whatsoever. Unless you count the ability to whine nonstop about how much your Leukemia hurts as a superpower. I sure as shit don't. Punch a mutant in the face once and a big puff of his hair falls out then he drops like a sack of potatoes. I heard about one kid that had a third arm. I thought he would be good to scrap with. WRONG. Turned out he was some sort of midget or something and that extra arm didn't even have any bones in it. He only weighed about 65 pounds. I picked him up and punted him about 30 meters, which really isn't great distance for me, but it was enough to set a new village record.

Brokeback Mountain

I took McDougal to see Brokeback Mountain. Below is a timeline of the events that transpired.

6:48 arrive at the theater, pull into parking space in the back of the lot. Take 4 bonghits each out of ice bong shaped like Betty Boop, listening to King Crimson pre-Microsoft Vista.

7:01 get in line for tickets, McDougal is whooping and yelling like a Native American, saying he's going to scalp the family in front of us heading in to Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Buys our tickets with a $2000 bill.

7:04 while buying popcorn, McDougal shoots his load in the main popcorn distribution bin. I apologize and pull him out, putting his penis back in his pants and wiping down the glass with napkins.

7:09 lights are already down when we get into the theater, previews are rolling, McDougal does his patented "walk up and down every single aisle in the theater until he gets to the very back corner seat, farting the whole time in people's faces" trick.

7:22 gay sex scene commences, McDougal freezes like a lion watching a herd of gazelles.

7:23 McDougal is passed out snoring.

8:58 theater lets me drive car into lobby so they can load him into it, still passed out.

10:47 McDougal wakes up in my living room, turns on What's Happenin' marathon, watches for 6 hours.