McDougal's Movie Reviews - X Men III

Now that the summer movie season is in full swing, I've asked McDougal if he could send in a few movie reviews so that his fans can enjoy his unique perspective on the world of film. Hopefully this will become a regular feature, but with McDougal, who knows? Anyway, I've gotten at least one review out of him. Here is the Big Man's review of X-Men III.

Mutants? Are you fucking kidding me? Let me tell you something about mutants. I've heard all that bullshit about "mutant powers," but I wanted to check them out for myself. Long story short, I ended up in this village in Ukraine, sits right in the shadow of Chernobyl... Place is chock-full of mutants. I didn't know exactly what I would be walking into, so I had my men stand by with the heavy weapons, out of sight and downwind so superhuman nostrils couldn't pick up their scent. I had the pilot keep the helicopter running so we could make a quick getaway if things went south. I needn't have bothered with all the precautions though. I wasn't able to find a single mutant with any kind of superpower whatsoever. Unless you count the ability to whine nonstop about how much your Leukemia hurts as a superpower. I sure as shit don't. Punch a mutant in the face once and a big puff of his hair falls out then he drops like a sack of potatoes. I heard about one kid that had a third arm. I thought he would be good to scrap with. WRONG. Turned out he was some sort of midget or something and that extra arm didn't even have any bones in it. He only weighed about 65 pounds. I picked him up and punted him about 30 meters, which really isn't great distance for me, but it was enough to set a new village record.