Found this on my bathroom floor this morning:

Dear Mr. McDougal,

Thank you for your employment inquiry. Shell Oil Global Incorporated welcomes applicants with your qualifications and diverse background. We would like to meet you and discuss further the opportunity to employ you and benefit from your many talents.

We hope you do not consider it to untoward if we ask a few questions before setting up a meeting with yourself and the Shell Board of Directors;

• When you say in your resume that you "fucked an entire army of Marilyn Vos Savant clones", do you mean that you reached fulfillment with each and every one of them? Or are you describing more of a general grab and pant orgy with them, in which all members may or may not have been satiated?
• How exactly did you travel from 17th century China to the present-day home of Barbara Streisand? You made it very clear what you ate and defecated daily on your trip, but the vessel of travel was not mentioned. Just a point that needs clarification.
• If you were to work for Shell Oil would you continue to, as you describe in your resume, rip the knees off anyone you meet in a public restroom who makes less than $800,000 a year? And if so, why?
• Ivica Račan, of the Croatian People's Party, was in the early 2000s the minister of public works alongside Radimir Čačić, who was in turn a former president of the party. At the time they worked together they had two deputies in the Croatian Parliament. What were their names?
• What would you say motivated you to write the words "eat my ass on a plate" on the top of the first 17 pages of your Letter of Intent?

If the answer to question 1 is that all of the Vos Savant clones were satisfied, could you please give us some insight into the pleasure points and erogenous zones of Ms. Vos Savant?

Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Lynn Elsenhans
President of Shell Oil Products U.S.

Mighty Steed

McDougal has a prize bull named Condoleeza Rice that he uses as his primary source of transportation. He trained for six months on a mechanical bull in a West Texas Juke Joint to prepare for this "lifestyle change."

A recent, but adamant advocate of environmental consciousness, McDougal has shunned all gas-powered transportation and rides Condoleeza Rice to and from his job at the steel mill outside Westchester (30 miles each way) six days a week.

The commute takes him four hours each way, but he uses the time to read, reflect, and assassinate SUV drivers along the turnpike.

Last Monday, he stampeded Condoleeza Rice through a refining facility in Louisiana, killing 41 people by goring them to death*. The event, however, was covered up by the Bush Administration who did not want news of this type of event to reach the masses for fear of copycat attacks.

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* McDougal did the actual goring himself. Condoleeza Rice was not involved in the death of any of the refinery employees.