The McDougal Family Tree: A Portrait in Greatness (Part 4)

The late 1800s are regarded among historians to be the Golden Age of the Circus. By 1944 numerous factors, including the rise of the motion picture, the Great Depression and two World Wars had caused a steady decline of the American circus, but it had yet to be dealt its death blow by the arrival of television. It is in this climate that we find Bernard Stockton McDougal, owner of a struggling circus, tearing down his tent after a weekend of shows in Lawrence, Kansas. The Saturday afternoon show, his best-selling of the weekend, still only filled a mere 150 seats in his 800-person capacity tent. These were desperate times for Bernie McDougal. Overwhelmed by the cost of feeding dozens of exotic animals like elephants and camels, he had not paid most of the human performers in weeks. The entire sideshow walked off the job three weeks earlier, taking their freakish talents to a rival carnival. In Albuquerque he had been run out of town on a rail when a newspaper reporter revealed that his "zebras" were diseased horses stolen from a local glue factory.

As Bernard McDougal sat pondering his misfortune, a newspaper drifted across the empty fairgrounds and caught on the tent support rope nearest to McDougal. The headline caught his eye immediately and he snatched up the paper. That same weekend, in Hartford, Connecticut his largest competitor had a tragic fire! Hundreds killed! McDougal could not believe his luck. He knew immediately what he had to do. McDougal franticly called around, canceling his remaining Midwest dates, and set off by train for the East Coast.

Upon his arrival in Boston, Massachusetts, Bernie McDougal furiously promoted his weekend performance, paying particular attention to Boston's wealthiest neighborhoods. He promised the cream of Boston's high society that for the princely sum of five dollars they would be able to witness the spectacle from very special "Gold Circle" seating. However, when the morning of the performance dawned, these wealthy citizens found themselves seated not within the big top, but on a large set of covered bleachers two hundred yards away.

Meanwhile, inside the tent, a capacity crowd of widows, orphans and Irishmen, who had paid a nickel each, were enjoying the antics of various clowns, animals and acrobats. At least, until the cry of "fire" began to ring out from several different locations inside the tent. Bernard McDougal had spent the entire train ride East stewing over the free publicity that his competitor was receiving from newspapers across the country and grew determined not only to match him, but to finally one-up him.

Outside, the Gold Circle spectators watched, fascinated, as the horror unfolded. Afterwards, all agreed that although they found McDougal's use of the widows and orphans in the act to be a bit distasteful, they did not think that they would really miss the Irishmen all that much. They also agreed that Bernard McDougal had really thought of everything when planning the show. The Gold Circle bleachers were erected upwind, out of the smoke, and the spectators were fully protected from trampling by panicked crowds and dangerous flaming elephants by an enormous wrought-iron fence.

McDougal's success was short-lived of course, as he was immediately arrested for numerous counts of murder and arson. But to quote one stunned spectator "although Mr. Barnum's circus has ownership of the title, for today at least, it was B.S. McDougal's Circus that was truly the greatest show on earth."

The McDougal Family Tree: A portrait in greatness (part 3)

Alert reader Carl Spackler writes, "whats mcdougal doing for thanksgiving? also, was he around for the first thanksgiving?"

Mr. Spackler, the McDougal family's arrival in The New World has been a hotly contested subject for many years. Certain factions of historians maintain that the McDougals have only recently immigrated to the United States and that many of the tales of their historical exploits are outright fiction. Some even go so far as to claim that The Great McDougal himself was foreign born. We here at the McDougal Center for Historical Research of Western Connecticut, the nations foremost center for McDougal family documentation, have long believed that a member of the McDougal clan was actually one of the earliest European settlers to arrive in North America. We are pleased to announce that our painstaking research has resulted in the discovery of the astounding tale of Johnathan James McDougal, Mayflower Stowaway.

That a member of the McDougal clan, legendary for drunkenness, whoring, drug use and all-around depravity would have fallen in with a group of religious nutcases like the Puritans is surprising indeed. However, pursued by various law enforcement officials, lawyers, creditors and mothers of illegitimate McDougal children, J.J. McDougal sneaked aboard the first ship leaving England that he was able to locate. When the McDougal finally revealed himself to the Puritans, after nine days at sea, they were none to pleased with his presence aboard their boat, and McDougal quickly began to loath their presence as well. No record survives of the numerous clashes that surely happened between the odd shipmates on the long voyage to America, but what is certain is that McDougal was immediately sent away from the Pilgrims upon their landing at Plymouth Rock to make his own way in the New World.

The Pilgrims surely felt that banishing J.J. McDougal into the unforgiving forest was a death sentence, but this does not seem to have bothered them in the slightest. However, they grossly underestimated the resourcefulness that has always been a hallmark of the McDougal line. Like the Pilgrims, J.J. owed his survival through that first harsh winter to the local indian tribe. McDougal found that each indian provided enough meat to last him for several weeks and their skins could be fashioned into warm clothing. He was careful not to over hunt the tribe, as it takes nearly two decades for an indian to reach full maturity. This casual approach to cannibalism is another one of those survival instincts that is hard-wired into every McDougal and has allowed them to become the successful family they are today.

The Pilgrims, meanwhile, took to farming, fishing and hunting of the local fauna to survive. When the time of the harvest arrived, they prepared a great feast to celebrate the bounty their new homeland provided. From his hideout in the trees McDougal smelled the wonderful aromas of the meal being prepared and was seized by a powerful hunger. Once the feast was prepared, and the Puritans began to take their seats, J.J. McDougal stumbled out of the woods clutching an indian skull filled with mead he had managed to ferment after raiding several beehives for their honey. The Pilgrims, shocked by McDougal's bizarre appearance and seized by a sense of Christian charity, allowed him to stay. McDougal spent the rest of the feast making a drunken nuisance of himself and gorging on the free meal. This started the Thanksgiving tradition of offering a feast to obnoxious and unwanted guests every November 24th.

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at Friends of McDougal.

Oh, and as for what The Great McDougal is doing for Thanksgiving this year? the same thing he does every year... He's going to get hopped up on pills, fly down to Tijuana at cactus-top level in one of his restored WWII fighter aircraft and catch a donkey show, then he's going to eat someone who looks like they might be an indian.

I AM BACK IN EXILE

The McDougal Family Tree: A portrait of greatness (Part 2).

And now we here at FOMcD will continue our series on other members of the McDougal clan who have achieved some level of greatness.

General Ambrose "Brickfence" McDougal has the distinction of being the only person to command troops on both sides of the American Civil War... simultaneously. McDougal, a Mississippi plantation owner, had not taken much interest in the rebellion during the early days of the war, however upon hearing of President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation he was profoundly moved. Early the next morning he set off on a long and dangerous journey, sneaking across the Union border and returning, at considerable risk, with a load of uniforms and weapons. Upon his return, McDougal informed his slaves that any who wished to enlist in the Union army would be freed immediately. As you can imagine, the slaves showed a great deal of enthusiasm for the freedom to fight. Uniforms and muskets were issued out. The now General McDougal informed his troops that they would invade the nearest town at dawn.

Late that night McDougal rode into the town and informed the residents that invasion from an army of freed slaves was imminent. He told them that their only hope for survival would be to raise a militia and head off the invasion at the edge of town, in the fields of the McDougal plantation. The townspeople, in a panic, asked McDougal to lead their militia in combat against the slave army. McDougal said that he would be willing to accept the burden of leadership in exchange for a modest fee, which the townspeople were eager to pay.

The next morning McDougal's Union Free Negro Army of Mississippi marched out through the fields toward the town, right into an ambush set by the townspeople's militia. The battle raged for days, attracting a large crowd of spectators, as was the custom at the times. There was not much else in the way of entertainment in the mid-1860s, especially with a war on. Friendly wagering about the outcome of the battle soon began and McDougal, being the landowner where the battle was taking place, made his way through the crowd facilitating this gambling, taking a cut of the action of course. The town militia soon began to be overwhelmed by the assault of the slave army however, as McDougal's was a large plantation having a great multitude of slaves. McDougal quickly sent a courier bearing a letter to the nearest Confederate headquarters informing them of the Union assault and requesting more troops.

With the arrival of seasoned troops the Confederate forces were able to push back against the Union invasion, driving them nearly to the brink of defeat. Ambrose was forced to purchase more slaves from neighboring plantations with his gambling earnings and free them so that they could join his Union army. These fresh troops rushed into battle in a brilliant flanking manuver that would have surely crushed the Confederate resistance if General McDougal had not been aware of it beforehand and arrayed his troops to repel the advance. The Confederate command, growing tired of this prolonged combat taking place so embarassingly deep inside Southern Territory decided to put an end to the Union slave army once and for all. They sent a letter to General McDougal informing him that they had pulled four cannons out of front line combat and sent them South to Missisippi. These would certainly turn the tide of battle in favor of the Confederacy. As the convoy bearing the cannons approached the battlefield however, it was ambushed by scouts from the 1st Mississippi Negro Cavalry, who managed to capture two of the cannons. This brilliant tactical move was, no doubt, the work of General Ambrose McDougal.

Both sides withdrew and dug into fortified positions, from which they could exchange cannon fire. This assault continued on for months. Periodically one side or the other would attempt an infantry charge, but opposing forces always managed to anticipate these manuvers and neither side was ever able to gain the upper hand. The months stretched into years, yet the battle raged on, continuing even after the end of the Civil War by popular demand, as it had become the most visited tourist destination in the state of Mississippi.

General Ambrose McDougal was hailed as a hero by both sides of the conflict for many years, until they finally realized that they were both hailing him as a hero. Several statues in both Northern and Southern cities were dismantled in the middle of the night and it was generally agreed that the whole episode should never be spoken of again. If one spends enough time attending Civil War re-enactments, however, you will begin to hear whispers about the legend of General Brickfence McDougal, the only man who ever grasped the true spirit of the Civil War, a grim spectacle perfect for wringing the cash from slack-jawed tourists.

The McDougal Family Tree: A portrait of greatness (Part 1).

McDougal and I are still traveling, so I've turned to a roving McDougal historian to provide historical information on the McDougal clan.

I had meant to continue my travelogue series. However, McDougal is sure that Canadian secret service is attempting to track his movements, so I've been forced to abandon the series.

Please enjoy this little bit of McDougal family history instead.

McDougal's official title, The Great McDougal, is somewhat misleading as it suggests that he is the only member of the McDougal clan to achieve greatness. McDougal has many illustrious ancestors which we here at FOMcD will be profiling over the next few weeks to give you, gentle reader, a better idea of the type of stock McDougal comes from.

In the spring of 1905 Dr. Hauser McDougal became the youngest graduate of Harvard Medical School at an astonishing fourteen years of age. At the age of fifteen he became the youngest person to ever be successfully sued for malpractice. By the age of sixteen he was dead. Hauser's meteoric medical career is now mostly forgotten, mainly because of the efforts of Harvard Medical School to eradicate any evidence that they graduated a fourteen year-old doctor. But careful research will reveal that from September of 1905 to June of 1906 Hauser McDougal was the most sought-after doctor in the entire state of Massachusetts. Patients would line up around the block to receive medical treatment from the "boy doctor." He was particularly revered for the research he conducted involving the use of magnetism in treatments for common maladies. McDougal had many famous clients and is rumored to have even treated President Theodore Roosevelt, fitting him with a pair of magnetic undershorts to treat persistant saddle sores that had been with the President since his days as a Rough Rider.

Unfortunately, along with fame and fortune, the medical profession also gave Hauser McDougal easy access to morphine. He soon found himself hopelessly addicted and his work suffered accordingly. He began treating every complaint, no matter how minor, with the amputation of limbs. The limb to be amputated was selected using a grid painted on the floor of his office. Each square on the grid had the name of a limb painted within. A live goose was then placed on the grid. Whichever square was defecated upon, that limb was removed. Surprisingly, most of the patients treated in this fashion seemed quite happy with the results, and it was not until McDougal's failed attempt to, according to his notes, "amputate the patient's torso away from the rest of the body" that a malpractice lawsuit was filed.

Hauser McDougal lost everything and descended further into madness and addiction, a running theme in any history of the McDougal clan. However, he never gave up his dreams of medical greatness and continued to conduct his medical experiments, mostly on himself and any mongrel dogs not wise enough to give his hovel a wide berth. On February 16, 1907 Hauser McDougal died on his makeshift operating table while attempting to replace his own heart with a large magnet.

The story of Hauser McDougal should have ended there, as a tale of failure and insanity, but this is not the McDougal way. The McDougal family will not allow its greatness to be swept under the rug. Many years later, the result of several shady business deals and possibly one back-alley execution, the life of Dr. Hauser McDougal was adapted into a popular television program about the life of an adolescent doctor coming of age.

Flaming Eye of Death

A lot of you may say, "McDougal ... I know I've heard that name before, but I just can't place it."

If any of you remember the "Flaming Eye of Death," that might be where you've heard it. You see, it was invented by an ancestor of the McDougal clan in the 16th Century. The “Flaming Eye of Death” was designed to act as a primitive laser, burning a hole through the torso of a foe. If anything, it worked too well, and was banned after killing all but the last man of a troop of knights who wore the helmets while following one after another through a narrow mountain pass.