All is lost.

The campaign is in complete disorder. Now lacking in any management whatsoever, we continue to sit on the broken down bus at this rest stop in Minnesota. There must be money to fix the bus in the campaign fund, but no one outside of McDougal himself and his former campaign manager know how to access those funds. At this point, the staff just wanders around aimlessly, trying to occupy the time. Some have fashioned the inflatable gorilla into a crude tent, where they are holding nightly religious revivals. Others have taken to turning tricks for passing truck drivers. Two of the interns went feral and disappeared off into the woods. Sometimes at night I can hear them howling at the moon.

The only staff member who has remained stoic in the face of this soul-crushing boredom is Fiberglass Caveman, McDougal's press secretary. This morning I found a typed press release on his desk, declaring that McDougal is making the elimination of Daylight Savings Time one of the cornerstones of his platform. I sent the statement out, expecting it to be ignored as usual. To my surprise, a reporter from the Duluth Sunshine Telegraph Register Tribune showed up to inquire about an interview with McDougal. The big man gave his consent, so the interview was arranged underneath the Gorilla Bigtop. I think if the interview had stayed on topic, it would have gone well. The elimination of Daylight Savings Time is actually something I agree with, as, I imagine, many of you do. Unfortunately, the interview strayed off topic very quickly. Here's a transcript:

DSTRT: So, I understand you want to make Daylight Savings Time a campaign issue?

McD: Absolutely. Those fat cats in Washington have misled the American people for too long. Daylight savings... Ha! While John Q. Public is sleeping in, the politicians are off lining their pockets with our precious daylight.

DSTRT: Um...

McD: Open your eyes, sir! It's a scam! There is no reason to save daylight in a modern society with the technology we have... sunlamps and such...

DSTRT: I don't think... uh...

The reporter is starting to look nervous and is beginning to sweat. As McDougal talks he gets more and more animated, first standing up, then waving his arms around ever more frantically.

McD: And think of all the benefits! Do you realize that if we don't set our clocks back in the Spring, by the summer the drive-in movie theaters will be able to open a whole hour earlier. And the Fourth of July fireworks! We've been stealing time from the birthday of our country! Why, as a red-blooded American, the very thought of it makes my blood... my red blood... boil. Boiling hot. Red hot. Blood... Say, would you like something to drink?

DSTRT: Yes! I'm... er... Wait.

McDougal hands him a glass. The reporter looks at it, relieved.

DSTRT: You know, for a second there... I thought you were going to give me blood.

Both laugh and McDougal sits back down. The reporter takes a sip of his drink, then immediately spits it out.

DSTRT: Ghaaa! What the hell is this?!

McD: That? Oh, that's poison. It's bad, huh?

DSTRT: What?! Why the hell would you give me poison?

McD: (chuckles) To kill you, of course. Why else would I give you poison?

DSTRT: (beginning to panic) Oh my God!

McD: Relax. You would have to drink the whole thing for it to kill you. It's kind of a weak poison really. As little as you drank, you probably won't even get sick.

DSTRT: So... So I'm OK?

McD: Well, you may notice a tiny bit of blood in your stool, but basically... yeah.

DSTRT: Jesus...

McD: So, what did it taste like?

DSTRT: What?

McD: The poison.

DSTRT: Wait a minute... If you wanted me dead, why didn't you just shoot me or something? I've seen quite a few guns laying around here. Other weapons too.

McD: (getting impatient) Well I didn't want you to die here! Then I would be stuck disposing of the body. The plan was that you would die on the drive home. The freeway really would have been perfect. Especially a nice fiery accident.

DSTRT: Um...

McD: Like I said, weak poison... slow acting... So, you said the poison tasted terrible?

DSTRT: Uh... Yeah?

McD: Terrible how? Like, what specifically made it bad?

DSTRT: I... I don't know... What?

McD: Well, do you have any recommendations on how I could make it taste better? Like, is there something I could add? I'd really rather not have a repeat of this situation.

Teen People Interview

Every year when I come home for the holidays, I sneak into the attic and go through my old foot locker full of childhood memorabilia and half-empty bottles of stolen liquor.

At the bottom of my trunk, I found an issue of Teen People Magazine with McDougal on the cover. As you can imagine, I was quite shocked at this find.

This magazine is an important part of the McDougal lore because it contains one of the only known photos of McDougal in recorded history.

I've taken the time to copy the transcript of the interview from this issue.

Who is McDougal?
Ten Questions With Archibald McDougal
By Sassy Montgomery
Teen People Magazine

This being my first assignment with Teen People, I was a little apprehensive when my editor told me I was going to be tasked with uncovering the mystery that is McDougal. I was hoping to spend the day with the man, to really learn how he lives and be able to uncover what makes him tick.

Unfortunately, McDougal's handlers would not allow me direct access to him, and he agreed only to conduct the interview using a confusing combination of ship-to-shore radio, semaphore, Morse Code, and smoke signals. McDougal would only answer ten questions, and there would be no follow-up on his responses.

1. Who are you?

I am a man, same as you.

2. But I am not a man. I am a young lady.

That's question number two.

3. But that wasn't a question.

Three

4. OK, umm ... When were you born?

I was born in the Pleiades in the Electra solar system.

5. I said "when" not "Where".

Time is of little matter to me. I am eternal as Ross Martin's career.

6. Who is Ross Martin?

Artemis Gordon of "The Wild, Wild West."

7. Has he done anything since that show?

Don't be foolish. He was in "The Return of Charlie Chan," "The Three Robonic Stooges," "Greatest Heros of the Bible," and "I Married Wyatt Earp." The man's a legend.

8. How many questions do I have left?

Two.

9. How do you earn a living?

No man earns a living. Life is a gift bestowed upon the deserving and undeserving alike. Only the great man appreciates this gift and capitalizes on it.

10. How do you capitalize on it?

That, my dear young friend, is the question of the universe, isn't it?

11. Are you asking me a question?

No more questions from you. It's my turn now.

12. OK.

13. So how do you capitalize on it?

14. I'm not sure how to number these anymore.

Do not use any more numbers. Ever. Never mention numbers again as long as you live.

OK.

So how do you capitalize on it?

Umm ... by taking time to --

Don't mention time. It involves numbers. Let's desist the quantitative view of life.

OK. Then ... I capitalize on the gift of life by savoring every moment.

No. There is only one moment. Right now. The past and future are illusory. They're like numbers that way.

I don't understand.

Then you're retarded.

Am not.

You're denial only proves my point.

What point?

Ha! Now you've got it. There is no point.

No point to what?

There is no what.

Then what is there?

Nothing. Only this moment.

What about everything I've done before and will do from here on.

What have you done?

Well, I graduated from Summa Cum Laude from Vanderbilt University.

There you go with the numbers again.

Who am I talking to?

Who am I?

I thought I was going to be interviewing McDougal.

As did I.

You thought you were going to be interviewing McDougal?

I did. And I am.

No, you're interviewing me.

I am.

And who do you think I am?

Who do you think you are?

I don't know.

I do.

Then why question me, if you already have all the answers.

I'm not.

Yes you are. You asked me how I capitalize on the gift of life.

I did nothing of the sort.

You asked me.

Yes, I know. But you turned it around and then asked me.

Did I?

Umm ... Yes. I think so. Yes.

And did you answer?

Yes, but you said my answer was wrong.

There are no wrong answers.

Then I was right?

There are no right answers.

I don't understand.

There are no answers.

Only questions?

There are no questions, you said so yourself.

No, I said you shouldn't count my statements as questions.

Then what should I count them as?

Nothing. You shouldn't count them.

My point exactly. There should be no counting.

But you said I could have ten questions.

And who am I to tell you how many questions you might have?

Uhh ... McDougal?

There is no McDougal.

Then why am I here?

Why are you here?

To interview McDougal.

And have you done so?

I tried.

So you deem the attempt a failure? How did you plan on measuring your success? With numbers?

Well ... no. I just wanted answers -

There are no answers.

Then why did you agree to the interview?

I never did.

Then why did you agree to talk to me?

I never did.

Yes, I have the letter right here. You said I could ask ten questions via smoke signals and those other things.

There are no other things.

Of course there are.

Then what are they?

Well, lots of things. Too many to list right now. I could never list them all.

There is nothing to be gained by accounting or recording.

Well, I have to record this interview.

Why?

So people will know what you said.

But I've said nothing.

You can say that again.

But I've said nothing.

Well, actually you've said a lot of things. It's just that most of them didn't make any sense.

I've said nothing.

Then who did?

Hello?

The 3rd Person

Below is a transcript of a recent subway conversation between a friend of McDougal and Lou Reed's ego.

Friend of McDougal: McDougal has an uncomfortable obsession with Lou Reed.
Lou Reed's Ego: Lou reed requires unhealthy adoration from his fans.

FoM: McDougal often compares himself to John Hinckley when he speaks of Lou Reed.
LRE: Lou Reed requires something injected into his scrotum.

FoM: I bet McDougal would do it.
LRE: Lou Reed is not made uncomfortable by homosexual allusions. Lou Reed understands that goes along with heroin rock.

FoM: Wait, heroin isn't sold in rocks. That's crack.
LRE: Lou Reed believes heroin is no a product, but a mindset.

FoM: McDougal would be upset if he heard you talking like Andy Warhol.
LRE: Lou Reed never called Andy Warhol a dandy. Lou Reed smells something burning.

FoM: McDougal has torched Paris.
LRE: Lou Reed smells Paris burning.

FoM: McDougal cannot be held accountable for his actions when pills are involved.
LRE: Lou Reed says pills are always involved.

FoM: McDougal believes a chicken casserole is always in order.
LRE: Lou Reed enjoys casseroles in that grieving period after funerals.

FoM: Does Lou Reed attend many funerals?
LRE: Lou Reed knows life is a long funeral.

FoM:Then he must eat many casseroles.
LRE: Lou Reed wonders to whom McDougal is referring.

FoM: I don't know to whom McDougal may refer. I am not McDougal. I am his friend.
LRE: Then who is Lou Reed?

FoM: Lou Reed is an avante garde glam rocker.
LRE: Lou Reed defies definition.

FoM: McDougal calls him a saint.
LRE: McDougal is a fraud.

FoM: Lou Reed is a fraud.
LRE: Lou Reed defies definition.

FoM: Lou Reed is as consistent as John Daley.
LRE: Lou Reed doesn't understand. Is that a joke?

FoM: It's a golf joke. McDougal loves golf.
LRE: McDougal makes Lou Reed uncomfortable.

FoM: "Sally Can't Dance" makes McDougal vomit.
LRE: Who is McDougal.

FoM: A good friend of mine.
LRE: Lou Reed says that was not a question.

FoM: I'm going to tell McDougal about this.
LRE: Lou Reed believes YOU are McDougal.

FoM: Lou Reed is delusional.
LRE: Lou Reed wants to kill you with his bare hands.

FoM: McDougal wouldn't like that.
LRE: Lou Reed requires a child.

FoM: Why are you staring at me like that.
LRE: Lou Reed is a mirror to the world. If Lou Reed stares at you, it is only your introspection he reflects.

FoM: I'm leaving now.
LRE: McDougal can never leave.

FoM: I'm not McDougal.
LRE: Then Lou Reed is not Lou Reed.

FoM: Then who is?
LRE: Lou Reed does not believe that is a question either.

FoM: Lou Reed is unhinged.

Lou Reed got off at the next stop and was greeted by McDougal. The two were holding hands as I pulled away.

McDougal in the Blogosphere

60 Minutes II -- fast interview Was with McDougal.

He's a wonderful, wonderful man.

Thanks, Carl.

And in South America ... Another Friend of McDougal.

And thanks to Alistair for keepin' it real south of the Equator, yo.