The 3rd Person

Below is a transcript of a recent subway conversation between a friend of McDougal and Lou Reed's ego.

Friend of McDougal: McDougal has an uncomfortable obsession with Lou Reed.
Lou Reed's Ego: Lou reed requires unhealthy adoration from his fans.

FoM: McDougal often compares himself to John Hinckley when he speaks of Lou Reed.
LRE: Lou Reed requires something injected into his scrotum.

FoM: I bet McDougal would do it.
LRE: Lou Reed is not made uncomfortable by homosexual allusions. Lou Reed understands that goes along with heroin rock.

FoM: Wait, heroin isn't sold in rocks. That's crack.
LRE: Lou Reed believes heroin is no a product, but a mindset.

FoM: McDougal would be upset if he heard you talking like Andy Warhol.
LRE: Lou Reed never called Andy Warhol a dandy. Lou Reed smells something burning.

FoM: McDougal has torched Paris.
LRE: Lou Reed smells Paris burning.

FoM: McDougal cannot be held accountable for his actions when pills are involved.
LRE: Lou Reed says pills are always involved.

FoM: McDougal believes a chicken casserole is always in order.
LRE: Lou Reed enjoys casseroles in that grieving period after funerals.

FoM: Does Lou Reed attend many funerals?
LRE: Lou Reed knows life is a long funeral.

FoM:Then he must eat many casseroles.
LRE: Lou Reed wonders to whom McDougal is referring.

FoM: I don't know to whom McDougal may refer. I am not McDougal. I am his friend.
LRE: Then who is Lou Reed?

FoM: Lou Reed is an avante garde glam rocker.
LRE: Lou Reed defies definition.

FoM: McDougal calls him a saint.
LRE: McDougal is a fraud.

FoM: Lou Reed is a fraud.
LRE: Lou Reed defies definition.

FoM: Lou Reed is as consistent as John Daley.
LRE: Lou Reed doesn't understand. Is that a joke?

FoM: It's a golf joke. McDougal loves golf.
LRE: McDougal makes Lou Reed uncomfortable.

FoM: "Sally Can't Dance" makes McDougal vomit.
LRE: Who is McDougal.

FoM: A good friend of mine.
LRE: Lou Reed says that was not a question.

FoM: I'm going to tell McDougal about this.
LRE: Lou Reed believes YOU are McDougal.

FoM: Lou Reed is delusional.
LRE: Lou Reed wants to kill you with his bare hands.

FoM: McDougal wouldn't like that.
LRE: Lou Reed requires a child.

FoM: Why are you staring at me like that.
LRE: Lou Reed is a mirror to the world. If Lou Reed stares at you, it is only your introspection he reflects.

FoM: I'm leaving now.
LRE: McDougal can never leave.

FoM: I'm not McDougal.
LRE: Then Lou Reed is not Lou Reed.

FoM: Then who is?
LRE: Lou Reed does not believe that is a question either.

FoM: Lou Reed is unhinged.

Lou Reed got off at the next stop and was greeted by McDougal. The two were holding hands as I pulled away.