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From the Desk of the Campaign Manager

4/10/2007

To: All Campaign Staff

Effective immediately, we will be initiating Contingency Plan 19. This is not a drill. It has become apparent that we have no hope of proceeding with a conventional campaign. All Class A employees report to campaign headquarters for further instructions. All Class B employees report to assigned stations in designated "Battleground" states. All Class C employees will sever all ties, and eliminate any evidence of association with the McDougal campaign then infiltrate their assigned rival campaign. If you are not aware of your assigned letter class, that means you were never given one, and are hereby terminated. The internship program is suspended, effective immediately.

Brief Status Update

I'm currently holding on to a section of 2" nylon braid marine-grade rope outside the 35th floor of the Shreepati Arcade building on Grant Road in Mumbai, India. I'm travelling under a Moscow diplomatic passport on this trip and speaking only Russian, or French with a very bad Russian accent. My grey super-250 suit is from Sammy Kotwani of New York.

And tucked in the inside pocket of that suit jacket are a set of documents which are going to blow this whole thing wide open, once they reach the hands of... well, I'm sure you can guess.

That is, these documents will blow this whole thing wide open IF I can get them from my inside jacket pocket to a certain cafe on the banks of the Seine (which I'm sure you are familiar with) by two pip emma tomorrow, and not a minute later, and hand them off to a man with shabby trousers and a chipped tooth.

I would explain in more detail how my original plans went astray - how my locator-beacon wristwatch got caught in the dumbwaiter after I quietly slid out of the reception and into the kitchen, causing me to miss the helicopter pickup on the 40th floor, but at the moment I must focus my attention, as I see through the window that Gottfried and his men have given up on the elevator shafts and have begun to search the offices near my perch and I must shortly take some definite action.