McDougal Slow Facts

Fact: McDougal has been at war with the Portugese for over 1200 years.

I'm not trying to suggest that McDougal is actually that old though. That would be ridiculous. He's only about half that. So how is that possible you ask?

Fact: McDougal owns and operates the world's only functioning time machine.

He stole the design from the Nazis back in WWII. Actually, he thought he was just stealing a priceless painting by Sandro Botticelli, but the time machine design was hidden on a microfilm embedded in the frame. The Nazis never built the machine because they couldn't figure out how to power it. In case you are wondering, McDougal wasn't an Allied soldier during the war. He preferred to work freelance.

Fact: McDougal's time machine is steam powered.

To create the enormous amount of power required to send himself back and forth through time, McDougal re-routed a river in central Africa to pour directly into the couldron of an active volcano. The steam serves the dual purpose of powering the time machine and hiding it from Portugese spy satelites.

Fact: No one knows exactly why McDougal hates the Portugese so much.

I have heard rumors that one year someone accidently gave McDougal a copy of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets form the Portuguese as a Christmas gift. McDougal was so enraged that he vowed to destroy whoever was responsible. He probably should have destroyed the gift-giver (who intended it for his fiance) or even E.B. Browning, but that kind of rational thinking has never been McDougal's strong suit.

Fact: McDougal's war with the Portugese is the only war in history to be fought backwards chronologically.

Obviously, the Portugese are now fully aware of McDougal's operation even though they are unable to stop it. But by travelling through time McDougal is able to fight each subsequent battle a few years prior to the former, thereby catching the Portugese completely unaware.

Fact: If it weren't for McDougal's interference, the Portugese would have discovered the Americas a full twelve years before Columbus.

The expedition was fully outfitted and consisted of six ships, each of them larger than Columbus's flagship, the Santa Maria. There is every indication that it would have been a monumental success and would have given Portugal a massive influence in world affairs that would have lasted to even the present day. However, at the last minute McDougal showed up and convinced them to abandon the expedition and instead sail East in search of an island which grew a fantastic spice the likes of which Europeans had never tasted. He provided them with a map to the island and a sample of the spice as a gesture of goodwill.

Fact: McDougal provided the expedition with a Shoney's kids menu and a Crown Royal bag full of Lowery's Seasoned Salt.