Agolo-kuluk Lak-shini-tuk Et-kat Mats-jaro-alik

In case you were wondering, one day I opened my car trunk to find McDougal humping a Rally's short order cook and her peek-a-poo. I had a job interview in ten minutes, so I yelled at the D and slammed my trunk, inadvertantly getting the peek-a-poo's neck caught in the trunk latch and spraying tiny-dog blood all over my suit. This infuriated me, and it didn't help that I heard a muffled mix of the Rally's girl climaxing and McDougal laughing at me from inside the car. I said fuck it to the job interview, turned and walked south-southeast, and never had another job after that day.

A few days into the walk, McDougal comes puffing up behind me. I don't mean puffing like he was sorry and had run to catch up and make things right between us, get me that job, and let me do the Rally's girl, I mean puffing like taking massive hits off an ice bong packed with Afghani Hashish while sitting in a chariot made of dolphin bones and old 386 motherboards. Two eskimos held the chariot aloft, and they in turn sat atop two surprisingly fast walruses.

"Fine day for walking," he mused, and pulled out a deck of cards. One of the Eskimos kind of staggered and started to fall. In one lightning fast move McDougal beheaded him, chained the Eskimo's second-born son to the falling handle of the chariot, buried the Eskimo's remains in his homeland, sang a moving dirge in his native Anuit language that brought everyone (myself included, I'm not ashamed to admit) to tears of bittersweet joy, and dealt me five cards: three down, two up.

I took a look at my cards and felt my chest tighten. I had 1 ace down and an ace and a queen showing. The other three cards were a yellow 5 and a blue Skip from a deck of Uno cards and the instructions for an altimeter. I knew I was sunk. McDougal laughed the same laugh that had hit me so hard back at my car trunk, and I hopped up on the Eskimo chariot and took a nap against his big strong arm.



Long story short, we captured the entire White Army of early 1900s Prussia, the Rally's girl had a baby nine months later named Tom Cruise, and I of course forgave McDougal completely.