Do Bears Shit in the Woods?

"Bears, Terry. Those are bears."

I wasn't sure who this Terry character was, but I knew what bears were.

And if they were in McDougal's kitchen, that wasn't good.

Especially since we were on his cabin cruiser in the middle of fucking Lake Eerie.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes," McDougal said. They must have followed the trail of all the blood and garbage.

"They can swim?"

McDougal bit his tongue to stifle a laugh. "Of course not, Jonesy. Don't be absurd."

"Then how the fuck did they get way the hell out here?"

Boats.

The fucking bears up there have their own boats.

Fortunately for both of us, McDougal had a couple of leftover bear traps and bloody virgins in his back pocket. Those stupid fucking bears dove right in after them when McDougal tossed them overboard.

But what we didn't know until 90 seconds later is that they'd rigged the boat with explosives. They blew the whole boat into tiny bear-sized pieces. McDougal and I made it out fine, but it was a long swim back to shore. Also, it didn't help that we were pursued the entire way by bear frogmen.

I later told McDougal, "I didn't even know they made such a thing."

"Don't be such a faggot, Percy. God makes whatever the fuck he wants."

That McDougal is right.

Jesus, I've been such a Goddamn idiot.