I recommend printing this out and pasting it to the inset of your shoe or bra.

Helpful Hints:

The best way to calm McDougal down is to let him put you in a headlock, then pull out "The Winds of War" by Herman Wouk. Do not read it, but instead place it gingerly into his pants and sing any song by Art Garfunkel SOLO YEARS ONLY. No Paul Simon.

If he's mad about food, do NOT blink until you are out of his sight. He sees your eyelids and he'll rip them off and eat them like chips, the dip being your eyes.

If he's sad about something, like a lost dog or flat tire, replace the Wouk with anything by Colleen McCullough, or a porno movie on Betamax. Let him masturbate, yes, just let him, and don't stop talking or look nervous.

If he's bored, sometimes he's at his maddest when he's bored, I suggest inviting Carl Sagan up for some blow and veal. If Carl Sagan has passed on, which he has, try anyone from downtown St. Louis or anyone involved in creating the Tamagotchi craze of the late 90s, and replace the veal with orzo pasta and a merlot.

If you try the above and he's still going strong, you may be headed into a Level 10 McDougal Situation, which has only happened a couple of times. If so you will need the following:

• one fat woman
• 14 pounds of solidified Cognac
• a Trivial Pursuit game: Sitcoms Edition
• 14 defeathered Cormorants
• 2 small raccoon statues
• the neck of an Irish clergyman or another fat woman

Gather these into a basket made of winter wheat, and give me a call. I don't want to go into when we had to do this before (once at a Dead Show - Winterland 1968, once at my uncle's bank) in open channels like this.