How do you like your eggs... scrambled or fertilized?

MCDOUGAL CAMPAIGN TOUR - DAY 13

Campaign Manager's Journal 9/4/06 - somewhere in Georgia

Went out drinking with McDougal last night. He insisted that I was stressing out over the campaign too much and that if he got me laid it would lighten me up a bit. I had serious doubts about his ability to pick up women. At his best, McDougal is usually incoherent. At his worst... Well, imagine a cross between Hunter S. Thompson, a two-year-old child and a bear. You might be alright if you keep feeding it pills and sweets, but for the love of God... No sudden movements.

It was truly astounding to see the Big Man working his game. He can be unbelievably charismatic when the mood strikes him. Before I knew it we were sitting in a corner booth with two stunning South African stewardesses. These were no mere flight attendants. These girls were 100 percent leggy, blonde, stewardess eye candy.

McDougal decided we should assume fake identities to prevent the girls from tracking us down at a later date. I told my girl that I was tail-gunner on the Space Shuttle. McDougal told his stewardess that he was a park ranger at Devil's Toothbrush National Park. While I was whipping up a quick story about shooting one of the solar panels off of the Mir space station just to annoy the Ruskies, McDougal was leading his girl outside to show her a squirrel nest in a nearby tree. He told her that was where the squirrels went to lay their eggs. She asked McDougal if she could make him a squirrel egg omelet for breakfast in the morning. McDougal just laughed and said "you can't eat squirrel eggs honey, they've got fur on the outside!"

I woke up at about 3:30 this afternoon lying naked in the back of McDougal's bus. I had a used condom on my dick and a raging hangover. I had a speech scheduled for McDougal in Atlanta this morning. I have no idea if he gave it or not. And right now, honestly, I don't really care.