The McDougal Campaign Tour - Day 27

CAMPAIGN MANAGER'S JOURNAL - 9/18/2006 - DRIVE-THRU AFRICAN SAFARI

We had been making good time over the past couple of days, but early this morning the convoy came to a screeching halt, causing me to tumble out of one of the bunk beds at the back of the bus. I ran to the front, thinking there had been some sort of accident. I found McDougal standing outside the bus, gazing up at a billboard, saying over and over "Sweet Baby Jesus, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen." The billboard featured a cartoon image of a giraffe driving a Volkswagen Beetle, advertising a Drive-Thru African Safari. I knew there was no point trying to talk McDougal out of seeing this roadside attraction, so I just walked down the stopped convoy alerting all of the drivers of our new destination. The managers of the Drive-Thru Safari would not allow the bus or any of the trucks to go through (thru), so we had to divide up among the four wheel drive vehicles. Of course, these vehicles could not accommodate the entire staff at once, so we had to go through (thru) in several groups. When my turn to go thru finally arrived I was assigned to drive one of the Jeeps with several of the female interns as my passengers.


Before you enter the Safari, each vehicle is issued a small bucket of alfalfa pellets that you are supposed to use to feed the animals. Naturally, this has led the animals to associate cars with food. Immediately upon entering, we were set upon by a flock of vicious emus. Their long, flexible necks enabled them to peck at the food bucket no matter where is was positioned in the Jeep. After the emu assault, all of the interns steadfastly refused to even touch the food bucket, so it was placed in my control in addition to my driving duties. I did not have to do double duty for long though. Immediately after escaping the emus we were mugged by a herd of moose. While one moose blocked the road, another stuck her head in through the window and bit down on the edge of the bucket. A brief tug of war ensued, but realizing that I had no chance of defeating a hungry moose, I let go of the bucket. We had only been in the Drive-Thru Safari for three minutes.



Although it is billed as a Drive-Thru African Safari, most of the African animals are kept inside pens, I assume for the safety of the park guests. But "safe" animals like goats, deer, llamas, elk, moose, buffalo and longhorn steers are allowed to roam free and assault motor vehicles as they see fit. Previous park visitors were obviously more successful at maintaining control of their food bucket in the face of a full-on moose onslaught than we were, because all of the animals were similarly conditioned to attack vehicles in search of treats. At one point, while I was distracted by the interns cooing over a baby deer that wandered up to the Jeep, a longhorn managed to get his enormous head into the driver's side window and began licking the steering wheel. I pushed on his head with both hands, but he refused to budge, so I punched him square between the eyes as hard as I could. I think the steer was more startled than hurt, but he jerked his head back so fast that he ripped the sideview mirror off with one of his massive horns. It hurt the hell out of my hand, I'll tell you that much. My knuckles are still swollen and purple.


Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of the really large and scary animals, just the small and cute ones. The aggressive animals kept us too busy defending ourselves to take pictures, but if you click on the picture of the llamas surrounding the Jeep to enlarge it, you can see a Bison lurking in the background. McDougal went thru the Safari with the last group and shot two elk before park employees could stop him. The management of the Drive-Thru African Safari were extremely irate. I had to pay them a considerable bribe to keep them from contacting the local law enforcement. The elk carcasses are currently strapped to the top of the bus. McDougal plans on barbecuing them at our next campaign stop.

NOTE: As several of the animals pictured are endangered species, we have chosen to protect their identities.