McDougal-Walken in '08

DETROIT -- Sept. 1, 2005 The legendary McDougal announced today that he has accepted the bid from the Misanthropic Eugenics Amalgamized Taoist party, and will run as the party's first Presidential candidate in 2008.

He has chosen Christopher Walken as his running mate.

The hastily formed MEAT Party is chaired by a nameless 114-year-old Tibetan Monk, who lives in a Chula Vista, Calif., retirement community, and speaks only limited English. Little is known about the party's platform or ideals, due in large part to the fact that they don't seem to have any.

"Life is a conundrum," party founder said. "Man never knows what offerings will be made available to him. Democracy has proven it is at its finest when man votes with his heart and instinct and not his rational mind. Because the rational mind can be deceived. But the heart. The heart is an alligator. The heart is an alligator for the truth."

McDougal was unavailable for comment, and it is not known if he is presently in the country. A top McDougal aide suggested he may be summering on his private yacht somewhere near the Southern tip of Argentina.

Spokesman Richard Strickland said he was unaware of Walken accepting any such nomination or offer, but would neither absolutely deny nor confirm his involvement. "Mr. Walken has obviously expressed an interest in pursuing a political position, but has not signed on with either party. If he were to run, however, the MEAT ticket is likely more reflective of his personal views than any other party," he said.

Strickland noted, however, that Walken is likely not prepared to "take a back seat to a man like McDougal."

Party founder would not comment on either McDougal or Walken's involvement, chosing rather to wax philosophically about he nature of democracy.

"Voting is like a river," party founder said. "It is an ever-changing process, and not a singular event. Political thought, like light, is neither particle nor wave ... but lives somewhere in between, or perhaps in either or both realms simultaneously."

Considering the dubious pasts of both McDougal and Walken, it is likely that each will spew this manner of nonsensical tripe throughout the campaign.

Reporters were disappointed when a hastily-called press conference was not attended by McDougal, Walken, or party founder, who is in poor health, and not able to travel. The conference was, instead, chaired by an 11-year-old Vietnamese girl, who spoke no English whatsoever.

Doung Le Quy did read from a 3x5 index card, "I am glad your teeth are well and that you have a strong diet for your bones. You feed your heart. You feed your heart with infectious bile. Please free your heart from infectious bile," but was unable to comment further.

A quick sampling of 4 unlikely voters indicated that McDougal-Walken would finish in a three-way tie for last place vs. Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and a ball of lint.

Lint Ball - 42%
Undecided - 31%
Write in candidate: disused mattress - 9%
Write in candidate: eggs - 9%
McDougal/Walken - 9%
(Clinton and McCain did not receive any votes)

A McDougal aide called the results "encouraging".