McDougal's New Pants

You ever been pants shopping with McDougal?

The man has impeccable taste, and a wonderful sense of the keen juxtaposition of curves and lines.

He's always worn very tight pants. He has to have them specially made to contour to his gargantuan body.

Of course, McDougal doesn't pant shop at department stores. He gets all his pants from a tarp and awning manufacturer up in Toledo. They've been custom tailoring his pants since 1974, and they do a bang-up job.

I've been with him eight or ten times -- generally to provide moral and emotional support. Also, I help spot him on some of the heavier projects.

We were up there last May, and the man designed a pair of phenomenal banana yellow vinyl trousers that were so hot, they'd give the Pope a boner.

McDougal was so fired up about them that he refused to wait the mandatory six weeks for government approval. He paid the tailor an extra $4,300 to put an express order and complete the pants in 8 minutes.

The tailor was nervous when we left. He'd never prepared pants that tight and with that much fabric in so little time.

When we got on the plain back to Scranton, something happened at altitude, and the pants exploded.

The poor lady in seat 46AA (aisle seat) lost a foot and was permanently blinded in the accident.

The plain had to make an emergency landing in Detroit, and McDougal was escorted off the plane by Homeland Security officials.

He ended up meeting with John Ashcroft completely nude from the waist down.

Ashcroft made him a federal agent and gave him a medal.

Six weeks later, the awning company sent him a proper pair of pants. They even crafted a matching pair for me.

Now McDougal makes me wear 'em every time we go out.