Sweet Corn

Did I tell you about the time me and McDougal went to the corn maze up there in Iowa?

Yeah, me and McDougal went up with the families. McDougal's boy is a big kid. He goes about 6'2, 270. And he's just 9 years old.

Anyway, we get to the maze and my boy -- a smart, but sickly lad says to me, "Daddy, it's tremendous."

McDougal says, "Kid, you ain't seen nothin' yet."

Then McDougal and his boy take off into the maze and me and little Timmy struggle to keep up. But those McDougals have those long legs and tremendous gaits. Within three minutes, they were two miles ahead of us.

I give McDougal a lot of room though. He's a big fella, and needs it. You know, he runs about 6'11", 430.

For a while we can see his head above the rows of corn. Then suddenly, it disappears, and we don't see it again for another half hour or so. Me and Timmy were hopelessly lost deep inside the maze. Then out of nowhere, some crazed bear comes charging at us. He's holding a chainsaw in one hand, and a World War II battleship in the other. I think it was the USS Missouri ... or maybe it could have been the Alabama.

Anyway, that bear charges my son and cuts his legs off with the chain saw, then fires 24 rounds from those big ass battleship guns right into his chest. The attack was so horrific that it put me in a state of shock, and I went into a coma for six months afterwards.

When I came to, I was in the bottom of McDougal's pool with a cement block tied around my neck.

I see McDougal on the surface with a garden hose in one hand, and a rusty pipe in the other. He drops the hose in the pool and drains its contents. When it's all gone, I realize that it wasn't water I was soaking in. It was genuine Kentucky moonshine. Needless to say, when it's all drained, McDougal's HAMMERED.

He pulls me out by my neck, and he's laughing hysterically. He tells me that "bear" was actually his son dressed up in a wookie costume and that after they cut off my boy's legs and shot him with that battleship they ate every bit of him except for his head, which they'd regenerated and brought back to life.

He then opens up this mini refrigerator with my boy's detached head in it.

He's all smiles, and he says to me, "Daddy, Mr. McDougal has a big screen TV and a collection of 4,000 Asian porn DVDs and snuff films.

We ended up turning the boy's room into a sewing room for my wife, and we keep his head in the garden, where he scares off birds and eats worms.

But I'll tell you what -- that kid's never been happier.