Hollywood Week

If you had asked me 2 hours before we sat down at the Golden Globes if it was a mistake to take McDougal as my date, I would have hesitated for a second, then said no, it would all be ok. His Meth supplier had been in jail for three days, not enough time to bust him out or fly his backup dealer back from Guam, and he had a hair appointment after lunch which meant he had to be relatively sober in the late afternoon when I would pick him up.

Of course you know how I would answer now because you know I wish Haley Joel Osment was still alive.

Was there a point at which events reached a zenith where nothing could be stopped, a fulcrum of time at which the pendulum could only fall to utter catastrophe? Maybe when he put his dick in that Entertainment Tonight woman's cleavage. I should have stopped right then and there. Asked some bouncers to help me pull him back into the limo and drive straight to Canyonlands for a few days of playing guitar and Pente to chill him out. Instead I plowed on, smiling for the cameras and hiding his half-drunken Bacardi Breezer behind a potted plant. A thousand million apologies to you Mother Osment!

When we got into the lobby McDougal started shaking violently and throwing small plastic Viking ships at anyone wearing green. No one knew where it was coming from until Scott Wilkinson from Touched By An Angel grabbed his arm and started in on some "act like an adult" speech. This infuriated McDougal, a long time fan of Touched, and he suprised us all by pulling out the midget from the restaurant and threw him at the actor.

The midget and McDougal seem to have planned for just such an occasion, because as the little man flew from McDougal's mighty fist he sort of tumbled and opened like a claw-flower so that by the time he got to Wilkinson he was in this terrifying grappling pose that once attached enabled him to rip the face from the man who played a surgeon no less than 8 times on McDougal's second favorite show. This was a bittersweet turn of events for McD and I could see his emotions pulling him back and forth, until he pocketed the face into his overcoat and I could see relief wash over him.

The body was removed swiftly and I thought that we were through the obligatory McDougal Scene, but i was far from correct. We took our seats, the midget perched smugly on McDougal's left shoulder, and the lights went down.

The rest is best reported by the Hollywood Foreign Press -- the only news agency bold enough to cover this catastrophe in the manner in which it deserves.