McDougal Campaign Television Ad (rough draft)

ANNOUNCER: Has this ever happened to you?

A man wearing a t-shirt printed with the word VOTER is looking at a man wearing a suit and an ELEPHANT mask. ELEPHANT is shaking hands with PASSERBY with his right hand while picking PASSERBY's pocket with his left hand.

ANNOUNCER: You vote for a candidate based on their claims of honesty and integrity, only to find out that they are thieves and liars just like the crooks you voted out in the last election.

VOTER turns away in disgust, to see a man in a DONKEY mask holding a BABY and posing for a PHOTOGRAPHER. BABY is holding a lollipop. DONKEY kisses BABY and PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a picture. PHOTOGRAPHER then walks off frame. As soon as he is gone DONKEY takes lollipop away from BABY and then tosses BABY into trash can.

ANNOUNCER: Well, McDougal isn't going to make any empty promises.

Cut to cartoon of a giant pink gorilla in a business suit sitting astride the White House, smoking a cigar and stuffing his pockets with money.

ANNOUNCER: McDougal admits that if he is elected he will participate in graft and corruption on a massive scale.

Cut to VOTER looking confused and scratching head.

ANNOUNCER: Now, you may be asking yourself, "why should I vote for a candidate I know is corrupt? Because McDougal promises to make cronyism work for YOU!

Cut to UNCLE SAM pointing finger at camera.

ANNOUNCER: That's right! On election day the first 5,000 voters that cast their ballot for McDougal will be appointed to a cushy Federal job!

Cut to footage of a man sleeping at his desk.

ANNOUNCER: You could be ambassador to the Marshall Islands!

Cut to footage of tropical island [subliminal flash of topless native girl].

ANNOUNCER: Or maybe chairman of the committee that chooses postage stamp designs!

Cut to footage of stamps falling like rain [subliminal flash of YOUNG ELVIS having intercourse with MARILYN MONROE on top of a desk. Postage stamps are stuck all over their sweaty, naked bodies].

ANNOUNCER: Or maybe even a coveted Federal Judgeship!

Cut to footage of a gavel slamming down [subliminal flash of CLARENCE THOMAS doing a line of coke off a stripper's ass].

ANNOUNCER: But wait...

Cut to VOTER poking his head out of voting booth curtain and looking even more confused.

ANNOUNCER: You are probably asking yourself "isn't voting a secret process? How will McDougal know I voted for him?"

Cut to footage of a line of tractor trailers rolling down the freeway.

ANNOUNCER: Right now thousands of McDougal's special, pre-programmed Diebold voting machines are on their way to polling places nationwide. On election day they will beam their results, via wireless modem technology, directly to McDougal Campaign Headquarters.

Cut to picture of voting machine. On the machine's screen there are wheels, as on a slot machine. All three stop on a pink gorilla and quarters pour out of the machine.

ANNOUNCER: McDougal voters will be rewarded for their loyalty. And what about those people who don't vote for McDougal?

Voting/slot machine's wheels spin again. This time all land on lemons.

ANNOUNCER: They can expect a long and painful audit by the IRS!

Cut to footage of a man being led away in handcuffs by two large Federal agents. Two children are crying in the foreground.

ANNOUNCER: So vote for the honest crook!

Cut to McDougal for President logo.

ANNOUNCER: Vote early. Vote often. VOTE MCDOUGAL.

FAST-TALK ANNOUNCER: Paid for by the McDougal National Committee, a division of the Starbox corporation.