The McDougal Campaign Tour - Day 1

Campaign Manager's Journal - 8/22/06 - Washington, D.C.

The Campaign Convoy got off to a late start this morning. Had to rent an extra truck at the last minute because McDougal insisted we bring more drugs, weapons and several novelty items that he made me track down at the last minute. We probably wouldn't have needed the truck if he didn't insist on the giant inflatable gorilla like the ones you see at used car lots. McDougal says it is our answer to the elephant and the donkey and wants it set up at all campaign functions. The only inflatable gorilla I could find at short notice is pink. McDougal does not think this will create an image problem.


The media doesn't seem to be taking our campaign seriously. Very light turnout despite many press releases sent out over the past week. We were counting on C-Span 2 to reach one of our target demographics, the age 50-70 overweight shut-in absentee ballot voter. At least a student from McDougal's old high school showed up to do an article for the school paper. McDougal blames me for not setting up the gorilla. Tried to explain that it is impossible to inflate it and load it into the truck at the same time.

Once the trucks were loaded we eased the convoy into Beltway rush-hour traffic. McDougal's bus, the Speedball Express, was in the lead. I followed behind in one of the Jeeps. McDougal insisted we bring several all-terrain vehicles. I don't know what he has on his mind. The itinerary I drew up would only require freeway driving. McDougal insisted on navigating though. We could end up anywhere. This may make it impossible for me to schedule appearances. Very concerned about this.

Because of the illegal nature of most of its cargo the extra truck has been instructed to follow a few vehicle lengths behind the convoy. That way if it is pulled over the rest of the convoy can keep moving. Truck is unmarked. Deny any association with the campaign. (Note: find someplace else to pack inflatable gorilla. Put all weapons and drugs in unmarked truck ASAP. McDougal won't like this. Distraction! Hookers?) One of the interns is driving the truck. Interns are expendable and not on the payroll. Deniability!

We got a great deal on McDougal's bus. It was last used on Dr. Dre's Chronic 2000 tour. Been in storage somewhere in New Jersey. It had a large pot leaf on the side. McDougal actually cried when we painted over it. Had to convince him that the Stars and Stripes will play better in the heartland. I bet if you vacuum between the seats you could empty the contents of the vacuum bag and pack a wicked bongload. (Note: have one of the interns try this.) We mounted half a dozen large waterproof speaker boxes on the roof. They are hooked up to an MP3 player that McDougal has complete control over. I pre-loaded it with his campaign theme, "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash, and showed him how to load other songs onto it as he sees fit. Hopefully by the end of the tour he will have a good mix going. Currently he has it programmed to play "White Lines" 26 times in a row, then it plays "Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival once, then back to the "White Lines" marathon. The other drivers stuck in traffic around the bus were definitely annoyed.

Fuck 'em. Washington DC is populated by 40% dickheads, 40% eggheads and 20% crackheads. Fortunately rush hour is made up entirely of those first two, because that last group is one of our target demographics.