Did I ever tell you about how McDougal lost a leg in Vietnam? No??!! Now why the fuck... Oh, I think I was saving this story for Veteran's Day, but then I forgot. And next Veteran's Day is so far away...

Well, McDougal was at a forward recon post in LaChoy (McDougal's memory of Vietnam is somewhat fuzzy, particularly in regards to place names. This is a direct result of the copious amounts of weed he was smoking at the time. It didn't help that he was also deeply involved in a personal scientific study of the psychotropic qualities of various jungle frogs. So now, when he tells stories about Vietnam, if he can't remember the name of a town he just calls it "LaChoy" rather than delay the story struggling to remember the real name. This can be very confusing when he's telling a story about something that happened on "the road from LaChoy to LaChoy" for example) when they came under heavy rocket attack. McDougal burst from his tent carrying his M-60 machine gun and ran to his defensive position. He fired that gun until the barrel melted down. They managed to repel the North Vietnamese assault that night, but at some point during the attack the gooks breached the perimeter and ransacked several tents. One of these was McDougal's. They made off with some inconsequential paperwork, a few maps, ammunition, grenades, other assorted explosives... But what really stung was that they got away with McDougal's leg.

He loved that leg. He didn't like to go anywhere without it, but that night he left it behind in his footlocker. He was afraid it might get damaged during the gunfight. McDougal thought he locked his footlocker before he ran out the door (flap?) but in his haste it must not have latched properly. The leg originally belonged to a Merchant Marine named Johaanson. It was hand-carved teak from India. Johaanson lost his leg (his real one I mean) during the Korean war when his gunboat came under fire. The Navy issued him a substandard replacement leg. It was uncomfortable, wobbly and the hinges squeaked. After joining the Merchant Marines, during a port call in India, he met a craftsman who promised to make him an artificial leg that was almost as good as the flesh and bone that he lost so many years ago. The woodcarver was an Untouchable, blind in one eye and disfigured from being doused with acid by bullies from a higher caste. None of this mattered to Johaanson of course. All he wanted was a leg that didn't rub his stump raw when he walked. And boy did the Indian woodcarver deliver. Johaanson swore that leg was actually more comfortable than the one he was born with. But if he loved that leg so much he should have folded. Instead, one night, while playing cards with a group of mysterious Americans in a Philippine whorehouse, he laid that leg on the table and a mountain of a man named McDougal called his bluff.

To this day McDougal is offering a reward of $75,000 to anyone who can return his leg. Several schemers have tried to pass off fake legs to McDougal. Most haven't been seen since. The real leg has the name of the Indian Untouchable woodcarver burned into the upper thigh in Hindi script, along with the name Johaanson and, underneath those, a small symbol that McDougal himself carved in. He refuses to reveal the nature of this symbol, and uses this as a test for authenticity. So why all this trouble for a leg he doesn't even really need? I've wondered that myself, and I have a theory. See, I've spent some time searching for this leg. It's not that I need the money, but... Well, I'm just curious. Some men search for Atlantis, some for Blackbeard's treasure. Call it a hobby. Two decades ago I managed to track down that Indian woodcarver. He actually remembered that leg too. He said there was a hollow cavity in the thigh. It didn't lock, not in a conventional sense, but it would take a very clever person to figure out how to open it. Someone more clever than that sailor Johaanson. Those gooks probably never even realized what they had. But someone like McDougal, especially with a belly full of mind-expanding frog toxins...

But like I said, it's only a theory...