China Rhymes with Vagina

My campaign manager has asked me to write a position paper on our China policy.

I mean, my former campaign manager. The McDougal Administration believes in accountability. And accountability means not wasting money on idle policy wonks who can't be trusted to write position papers on their own without punching themselves in the face repeatedly with a brick and falling asleep on a platter of General Tso's Chicken.

Accountability means a lot more than just holding your neighbors responsible for things like invading some God-damned pacifists like Tibet, monkeying with exchange rates and selling millions of tons of cheap plastic trinkets made by prisoners. There's a lot of money in cheap plastic trinkets and prisoners are bored half the time anyway, so why not put the two together and make something of it? Also, those Chinese bastards have a ton of cash sitting around that I'd like to tap, so I'm not going to go off on them and risk not having a crack at that loot. The McDougal administration believes in doing what's best for the American people - and as the chief representative of the American people, It's my job to look out for what's good for the chief. Which is me. Look what sucking up to the Chinese bastards did for Wal*Mart. They sell plastic American flags, made in China, for $1.89. Cost, including ocean freight? About twenty-seven cents. Anybody else would have ordered flags from Chillicothe, Ohio at eighty-seven cents each. Business geniuses! I love 'em.*

But back to my original point - the McDougal administration believes in accountability, which means the Commander-in-Chief shouldn't have to waste his time writing some long, boring policy statement that no one's going to read anyway. As President, I will not be distracted by "policy." As President, it will be my job to make decisions. As President, I will be the chief decisioner in the government. It will be my job to make the decisions and the faceless policy wonks can then redefine the terms and facts to support those decisions.

The McDougal administration also believes in looking at the big picture and the importance of expertise. We will seek out the experts in whatever area we're concerned about and delegate the problems to those experts. In the case of China, everyone's all upset because the Chinese invaded Tibet and have been menacing Taiwan. That's too much information. If we let ourselves get sucked into too many problems, we'll never get out. Thus... and here's an executive decision... we will combine the Tibet issue and the Taiwan issue into one - I'm going to call it "Tai-Bet" and then bring in the best experts to deal with that. In the case of Tai-Bet, there's clearly one man who is the greatest living authority. Of course, I'm talking about Billy Blanks. Billy Blanks invented Tai-Bet and has studied it extensively. I'm going to make Billy Blanks the McDougal administration's ambassador to China; please consult with him if you have any further questions about the McDougal administration's China policy.


Thank you for your support.


MCDOUGAL

*Wal*Mart people: I'm going to be in a position to do a lot for you guys, if you catch my drift... Confucius say "Hand which scratch my back have other hand in pocket..." Capiche? Give me a call.