Then & Now (Part I)

As shitty as it is up here in Canada, we've really started to make some headway with the press. The liberal media seem to find our Northern campaign quite charming and ... well ... "cute."

"No. We're Americans," I assured them, but they weren't buying it. McDougal knew it too, but that obstinate bastard wouldn't admit it to me. I told that big jackass that we didn't need to make our own passports. I don't care how good McDougal was at Caligraphy, there's only so much you can do with a box of four crayons from the Cracker Barrel. Still, that motherfucker can write the shit out of some fancy letters.

With the exception of TLM, most press inquiries have come from lesser publications like Entertainment Tonight, Cheri, Oui, and some rag called the National Review.

"They're not buying it, McDougal," I whispered. He pretended not to hear me.

Some uppity jackass from the National Review met us in Winnipeg with a fucking cassette recorder, a 35 mm camera, and absolutely no weaponry to speak of.

The sergeant -- at least I think that was his rank. It's so hard to tell with those Turkish uniforms. They're E-3's have more silver and gold shit on their dress uniforms than an American Colonel. These Nato assignments were always tough. Especially for a "company" man such as myself. McDougal was oblivious. I don't know if he was that cool under pressure or if it had something to do with that tranquilizer dart that Marlon Perkins hit him with that morning.

Fucking tart. I don't even know if he was American.

Fucking Tart: Good afternoon, Mr. McDougal. It's a pleasure to make your aquaintance.

McDougal: Take that cock out of your mouth and talk to me like a man.

Fucking Tart:I beg your pardon, sir.

McDougal: I'll snap your pencil neck, Dexter.

Fucking Tart: Are you threatening me, sir?

McDougal: Call me sir one more time and I'll rip your lung out.

Fucking Tart: Well, I never.

McDougal: Just wait.

Fucking Tart: Are you cancelling the interview?

McDougal: Are you dreaming of fellating me?

Fucking Tart: Are you aware that Canada is a sovereign country?

And that was the last question that liberal dandy would ever ask.

"Wat the shit hell does Canada have to do with this?" McDougal finally asked me. I told him I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. "You will, my friend," he said. "One day, you will."