The McDougal Campaign Tour - Day 44

CAMPAIGN MANAGER'S JOURNAL - 10/5/2006 - FUCKING CANADA

We're wasting our time up here, but McDougal won't hear of it. Ever since he came up with his "brilliant" scheme to capture 100% of the Canadian vote he has been in his best mood of the whole campaign. I, on the other hand, have slipped into crippling depression. Last night one of the interns caught me weeping softly with the barrel of McDougal's elephant rifle in my mouth. When McDougal heard about this he picked me up by the shoulders and shook me like a sugar packet.

"God damn you, don't crack up on me now," he screamed, "I need you to talk to these Canadans for me! They speak half English and half French. You know... Whadyoucallit...? Creole!"

I couldn't muster the energy to explain what "bilingual" actually means.

This has been a week plagued with setbacks. Defeats snagged, at the last minute, from the jaws of victory. Before we took off on this ill-advised Canada excursion Fiberglass Caveman came through for us in a big way. We actually had a reporter show up to cover the campaign. He wanted to do an interview with the big man for a publication called Thug Life Magazine. I doubt the interview will ever make it to press though. Or if it does, the accompanying article will be less than favorable. The interview started off on such a good footing too... Well, I'll let you guys decide. Here's the complete transcript:

TLM: What are you packing?

McDougal: Oh, this? It's a Desert Eagle fifty caliber. I chose it for its unsurpassed stopping power.

TLM: East Coast or West Coast?

McDougal: Dirty South, actually.

TLM: You heard that Young Dro?

McDougal: Oh yes! "Shoulder Lean" is tight. Say, speaking of which... Did you that my tour bus used to belong to Dr. Dre?

TLM: Word? You rollin' with the chronic up in there?

McDougal: Well, I'm smoking meth mostly, but sometimes, yeah. Oh, and doing Powerballs.

TLM: Powerballs?

McDougal: They're a mixture of cocaine, heroin and pure powdered nicotine that I get from a friend. He works for Phillip Morris. They're addictive as hell. I can't get enough of those things.

TLM: Yo, a couple of weeks ago you admitted that you tortured a terrorist suspect in Afghanistan. Don't you think that shit is political suicide given the uproar caused by the abuse at Abu Ghraib and allegations of prisoner mistreatment at Guantanamo Bay?

McDougal: What? Oh, I'm sorry! Does the thought of a terrorist getting a much-deserved ass beating make your ovaries hurt? Look, if you want an omelet you're going to have to break a few skulls! That's life junior. And another thing, he was no "suspect." Not ten seconds before, that little rat bastard launched a rocket at... You know what? FUCK YOU! (McDougal overturns table) This interview is OVER! (Pulls door off hinges and storms out of room)