Neil Lynch Cried like a baby when ...

I peed in his mouth.

McDougal ripped off his left foot and beat him half to death with it in front of the Wal-Mart on Chandler Ave. in front of his mother and the Lyle Manpoole (Mr. McDougal's freshman anthropology teacher and the first man he ever had a crush on).

Benson was cancelled.

He was beaten senseless by a gang of 14-year-old bitches from West Side.

Lloyd Benson peed in his mouth.

Robert Guillaume peed in his mouth.

No one peed in his mouth for six months.

He realized he could only be aroused by having a tall black man pee in his mouth.

He saw the R. Kelly video.

Despite repeated fan letters and offers of cash, R. Kelly refused to pee in his mouth.

He received the results of his IQ test.

He fell asleep during the last 15 minutes of the last episode of The View.

Bananarame broke up.

He took a rubber chicken to his prom as a "funny joke" ... because that's what funny, funny Neil Lynch does. The whole evening ultimately turned bad; however, when the rubber chicken refused to put out, and Neil was caught in his high school parking lot by Andy Miller, the prom queen at Central High School. The saddest part was Neil had been out of high school for 12 years at the time and had just been fired from his job as nut mopper at Platinum Plus.

He realized he couldn't engage the McDougal Army because he was outgunned, out witted, and shit out of luck.