The Contents of McDougal's Hall Closet

Got a request from an unnameable source (DOHS) to get a rundown of McD's hall closet.

• shoebox containing 14 "Juggs" magazines
• die-cast metal model of a 2003 Dodge Dakota with the words "I Hate Martin Luther King" written on it in lipstick
• the Koran
• one nest of pleistocene small mammals, kind of look like those meer cats made popular by Disney's "The Lion King"
• American flag jumpsuit (stained)
  

in order to get this I had to dress as a DSL repairman and schedule an appointment to "upgrade his porn pipe". I called on the McDougal residence at around 4pm this afternoon, and was promptly shoved into a hole in his backyard. I protested, showed him my (falsified) credentials from SBC Yahoo! and demanded that he A. dig me up and B. take the hose off my face. He gave me neither, but did actually feed me a delicious dinner of Tri Tip and corn on the cob, creme brule for dessert. So I was in that hole for two days (which means yes, I am typing this in the future, but lay off, fuckwad, it's Daylight Savings).

Saturday morning he pulls me out of the hole and tells me to get moving. I play it like nothing is up, and go in his closet and shut the door. I am frantically trying to get digital images of the contents of his closet and I'm covered in sweat, when I hear what sounds like McD killing a dachsund. I'm like oh shit and get about 20 or so shots of the closet, pull a few samples of the mammals and jack to the Juggs, when curiosity gets the better of me and I peek out to see what he's up to.

Damned if I don't look out and see him eating Tom Ridge's arm and playing "Othello" with one of the ladies from Nanny 911. They invite me to smoke some crack and I end up of course doing the Nanny, then McDougal takes my carefully hidden list and rips it to shreds.

"The DOHS won't be needing that list, Devon, because I'm running that bitch now."

And I'll be goddamned if he wasn't.