Total Eclipse of the Heart

Back in 1988, I was in an Ultimate Frisbee tournament with McDougal.

I don't like to brag, but when it comes to Ultimate Frisbee, I'm no slouch. And, well, you guys know about McDougal, right? What? You don't know about McDougal's years on the UF tour?

Well, this isn't really the time to get into all that. Suffice it to say, the man can flat out Frizz. Seriously, check the record books. They look like the credits to a Hollywood movie about McDougal and starring McDougal as McDougal ... And as everyone else!

Anyway, I'm good, and McDougal, he's just out of this world. So we were pretty much set to win from the moment we walked onto the court. But there is one thing about playin' with McDougal -- you got to watch your back because everyone's gonna be gunnin' for you from the get-go.

In my case, it came in the form of a vicious attack from what I first thought was a rabid polar bear. Turns out it was just some drunk Venezuealan dude in a rabid polar bear costume. Regardless, the guy sucker punched me in the stomach as soon as I got off the shuttle, and I ended up shitting blood for six days.

For those of you who've only seen Ultimate Frisbee on cable television and magazines, you may not realize what a cutthroat, dangerous sport it is. Let me tell you, Ultimate Frisbee is as crooked as McDougal's third wife's prosthetic leg. That's because it's run by the Chinese mafia.

So this tourney in '88 ... I was a little nervous because it was to be played under Lunar Rules, because it was on the moon. I'd played under California rules, Pennsylvania rules (the de facto US Standard, for those of you UF newbees), and even international rules from when I was in Korea.

But Lunar rules are far more complex because of the whole gravity issue.

Like, for example, in most rulebooks lightchucking (also known as spigot hurling) is perfectly legal. But on the moon -- FORGET IT! Someone could lose a foot in those conditions. So I thought the Lunar rules were a bit of a handicap, but at least they hit everyone the same way.

So we make it through the semi-finals in the 88 championships, and the PCP starts to wear off.

I'm pretty sure my game completely went to shit in the championship match, because I was fading in and out of consciousness and lucidity.

At one point, I had this crazy dream that I wasn't even on the moon, I wasn't really sure what Ultimate Frisbee was, and I was really collapsed under a urinal at a Flying J near Galveston. And one time, I had this vision that McDougal was my dad and we were actually a couple of pot bellied pigs who lived alone on a deserted island made out of Oprah Winfrey's beautiful mocha teets.

McDougal said that happens to everyone at some point in their career. Then we huffed some more varnish and I can't remember for sure, but I think we ended up winning the tourney.

Ultimate Frisbee's a really fun game.